Choose. Choices. Choice. II

Work made him an absentee...

Death made him a memory...

But it didn’t matter anymore.

As the eldest, I stepped into the gap,

Mother’s assistant, Mother’s partner,

Building a home out of a garage, a shanty by the riles,

A borrowed room in a relative's house.

We were a family... because we chose to be.

Despite the hardships, we excelled,

Proving that poverty is not a lack of grace,

Only a lack of means.

We were a strange band of characters, shifting with the decades.

In the 80s, four...

In the 90s, minus a sister to the white blood cell war...

Plus new brothers, new sister, a second marriage.

We shared it all: toothpaste, socks, bath towels,

Coveting desserts and reading diaries in the dark.

We were experts at inflicting pain

And kissing to heal it in the same instant...

A common thread binding the chaos,

And that thread was her.

Always, her.

Family shaped me, wired me, defined me...

Until I realized I had to be more than a reflection.

I didn’t always know what I wanted to be,

But I knew exactly what I didn’t want to be.

I chose to form an identity

Apart from the struggle... apart from the ghosts.

Then came the phone call, five years ago.

A girl. A dying man. A claim of blood.

Forgive him, she said, so he can die in peace.

Whether true or not, I added them to my list,

Learning the stories of a father I never knew,

Seeing my own face in his history...

Wishing I had met them before the silence.

Now, my priorities are a different kind of quiet.

My choices are for the three of us...

Less complicated. Intact. Ever-present.

I choose to be the father who stays.

But sometimes I wonder...

Would I be this strong-willed, this patient?

Would I be this beautifully disturbed

To help the least-favored...

If we hadn’t survived the riles and the rooms?

That is a question...

I wouldn't risk answering now.

life rings... and all. on to the new year

 I have come to terms with my LIFE RING just recently, following the death of my mother. I reviewed and realized there are changes that I have to make and some rethinking of how things are done...

1st - MY HEALTH ... Mom died of ovarian cancer and we only knew it recently following what we thought was just anemia. I know I have to be very careful and have to keep myself healthy now in order for me to achieve whatever plans and goals I still have left.

2nd - MY FAMILY ... I have a very small family and as I keep myself healthy I have to keep them that way too. This will happen by providing them with enough vitamins and needed vaccines and remind them to do their exercises at least 3x a week. I also have to follow up on their mental health by providing time for some chitchat over snack or meal, or during family day trips.

3rd - MY EXTENDED FAMILY... When we were battling my mom's condition for 560 days in the hospital I had the chance to talk with my siblings. It was then that I realized they're having hard time making ends meet. I am not rich but I think I can provide for some of their needs especially now that my mother is not around anymore and that they are trying to build their family, having newborns. It is my goal to provide them too with vitamins and supplements and ask them every now and then what I can do to help. The creation of a group chat exclusively for siblings make it easier for us to connect and support each other.

4th - MY CAREER... As I thought of early retiring, I would like to explore more on other opportunities (academe, research, consultancy) to earn so I could finance whatever travel/trips I have in my mind for my family and extended family. I also would need such if I am to support my brother in finishing college even if he has a family now.

5th - THE COMMUNITY ... I am a member of a group (KaEskwela) that supports public school kids. I intend to continue doing so. My advocacy in supporting local businesses and Filipino farmers is also ongoing. With this is my support too for calling for GOOD GOVERNANCE, hence wise voting for next years national elections.

6th - CONTINUOUS EDUCATION ... I should not stop learning, hence this MOOC. I have yet to read a lot of books and hopefully self-publish a book of poems and flash fiction.

7th - HOBBIES AND SELF-CARE... I always seem to forget about myself, so even if it is the last on this ring, I intend to also give focus on it. I plan to get a body massage once in a while or buy myself some cream for my hair and body for pampering. Maybe I can go on solo trips too :) 

life...is what we make it II

There were many times that my father was ‘absentee’ because of his work,
and then he was ‘deceased’ and it somehow didn’t matter to me anymore.
I knew that as the eldest, I have to be my mother’s assistant,
even a partner in taking care of my siblings and make sure our house is a home-
be it an extension of someone’s garage, a shanty by the ‘riles’ or
a room of a house of a relative. There were happy times, yes.
And we are truly a family, my mother and I made sure of that.
Despite the hardships, we excelled in school.
We were popular because we didn’t allow others to look down on us
and we proved that we didn’t have to be rich to be so.

As a family, we were a strange band of characters-- in the 80’s,
my mother and the three of us, in the 90’s ‘minus’ my sister
who died of leukaemia and another sister who was away from us for 10 years
but then it’s also ‘plus’ a new sister and two brothers
from my mother’s second marriage. We went through life sharing a lot- ideas,
school supplies, socks, toothpaste (even bath towels at times),
coveting one another's desserts, borrowing money, reading each other’s diaries,
inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending,
and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together…
and that common thread is my mother or the love for her.

Family (of origin) shaped my life in one way or another- who I am now
(and I have my own family), how I act, and how I keep my values,
and especially how I formed my identity. I have to form my own identity
besides the pre-wired identity that my family built because I realized that
I cannot depend on that (there were times I do not know what I want to be,
but I am quite sure of what I don’t want to be so I take it from there).

I remember some seven years ago, a girl called and told me that her dying father
is my father too, and that I have to give my forgiveness so that he would die in peace.
Fast forward, no one knows yet if this was true but I had another family added on my list.
Here, I was exposed to stories of how ‘this father’ was and how I came to observe
that we share a lot of commonalities and this made me wish I have met them
(he and his family) before he died. My choices and priorities now
are based on what I wanted my new family to be – less complicated, intact and
ever-present for each other. This wouldn’t be difficult (I hope)
because we’re a family of three.

But then I asked myself once:
would I be this strong-willed, patient, and passionate and
beautifully disturbed enough to try to help the least-favoured if we haven’t gone
through all those life’s struggles and complexities?
That is a question I wouldn’t risk answering by application now.