unsent...TB1988

i am slowly forgetting you --- and i am not liking it...I want to keep you in my memory. I want to keep you in my heart. why is this memory's such a monster...? One day, I will soon forget...but I don't want to be alive in that one day... You are beautiful...you are smart...you are practically better than I am despite of your illness...you can sing...you can dance, you can even dress yourself modestly yet with good fashion sense at such a young age...I am missing those days of singing and dancing together....I know that you are going away but i tried to deny it and I went on living with you as if you'd be with me forever. My mistake! I should have hugged you more. I should have loved you better. I should have told you that I cared and that I am willing to take care of you...but what did I do? I feel like I made you feel like a nuisance to me in those last days of your life... God, forgive me! Marion, please forgive me...

re-entry 2004

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun
will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart ---
(i carry it in my heart)

-------------------

those 4 hours of heaven and hell those hands of yours on mine those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday? or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me... why did i let go of the moment? why can't i just stay there with you... if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

my husband's mistress

LISA MARIE DEL ROSARIO, 25 years old, HRM graduate, working in Singapore for six years, went home [ ]. She has a long wavy hair, 5’5” in height, and a vital statistics of 34-25- 36. And so, their story goes. Lisa got [my husband's] number from a common friend. She had seen him twice and is willing to be his friend. Lisa is a liberated woman and has an Indian fiancé left in Singapore. She works in three hotels as a front desk supervisor. Living independently and temporarily staying with her Uncle’s family in [the city where we live], she’s afraid of commitment for having a sister in Dubai who is separated. The Hi’s and Hello’s started it all. Singapore and jobs in Singapore sustained their communication. Then as time passed, the commitment as text mates was established. From text mates to friends, they shared insights about family, their likes and dislikes, their weaknesses and experiences too...

Eventually, texting became less challenging and expensive so they both agreed to chat. Closeness became very evident. They became intimate friends endlessly sharing ‘anything’ under the sun. Too much familiarity is indeed boring. Cutting the story short, Lisa started it all. Fascinated with her, he also became interested. Loneliness yearns for comfort and for passion. And since they were both lonely (maybe), they found each other. They shared ‘everything’ (as in everything!) using the technology available; in bed, in the bathroom, and wherever their sinful imaginations could reach. Often, the last question both of them ask each other is: ‘HAPPY?’, with a big yes as an answer of course! Passionately, Lisa would always assure him that she would do everything to make him hers, exclusively hers alone. Because of that enduring happiness, the plan to meet personally was set aside.

One time, Lisa dared to call and listened to his moans and etc. Lisa couldn’t help it. The emotions were overwhelming (killing her!). It felt ecstatic yet burns like hell! It was fathomless. Uncovering the mouth piece, she asked softly: Happy? Finally, for the first time he heard her voice over the phone, a very familiar voice. He was suddenly offline. Lisa cried.

[ lisa?...] WAS ME!

[this is stolen with assumed permission

from my dear friend's blog http://chakchakchinagool.blogspot.com .

i don't know why i'm posting 3/4 of the article here.

(if you wanna know what happened next,

you better see the entire thing in her blogpage).

perhaps it's because this part gave me the creeps.

oh what a wife would do...and oh what a husband can do...

oh what loneliness or lust or love can do... dear heavens!]

33 is just a number

22nd of march, i turned 33, oh well, earth years. i, as usual received lots of greetings (not lots of gifts though: the number of gifts received is inversely proportional to the age of the celebrator). even as i managed to feel well and do some little celebrations, it was nothing compared to the stresses i had. thanks to the finals exams, exit papers and the ever-dreaded (so far) comprehensive exams.

it's been 4 days since then, and only now have the birthday material sank in my thoughts (it's funny how it managed to squeeze in during times of fever and wishing-you-were-numb-moments). i have turned 33, i always feel 13, now i feel 53. it's been 2 years since i decided to pursue a postgrad that's somewhat far from what i intend to www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-life-so-far.html . it's been a year since a crying-almost-angry-young lady called and asked me to halt the curse to her father (turned out that this year, she's the sweetest greeter ever) www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2009/03/birthday-blast-indeed.html .

what is in store for this year? i have been feeling pains in some parts of my body which the paranoid in me might insist as a sign of cancer or tumor or 'dying soon' disease. i have been hearing the same thing happening to some people who are close to me. apparently, my mind-disease is contagious (that's the punchline, laugh now). i have found "one true friend" and several good others; them, just enough to keep my sanity on hold. my boyman and manboy are managing well without me, so they say and sadly make me feel at times.

okay, this is the time when i have to battle with my inner demons and finish what i have started. it's a long long walk. i'd run if i have to. but for now, i need some peace. may i rest in peace?

september blues

there are moments when life seems to be passing so fast, so fast you can't help but 'unnotice' the days--days of recalling, of remembering, of un-learning...what is in september that gives one the 'creeps'? i, specially find september creepy. is it because of the memories september has much on-hold? is it the date per se? is it the song? the poem? the people? the person? the man.

do you remember the shirt that you wore then? do you remember the dew that you felt on your face as the night grew darker? do you remember the trembling hands and those soft, confused lips? whatabout those letters, do you remember your unguarded thoughts? do you remember your dreams and hopes and hurts and wishes and always-ever-wanting-to-sleep-to-get-away-from-it-all and just feel the beating of your hearts? memory, is a monster i once read: you think you have it? no! it has you.

there are moments when life seems to have flown real fast. my mind auto-deleted the hurts and the pains, believing i partially asked for those and just enjoyed the torture for some time---these are the days when i'd prepare myself to let go of the 'september blues' and forget about the 'creeps'. come september, i'd say---you are wonderful to recall. you are beautiful to remember. you are my favorite mistake.