i am human too. [re-entry 2010]

i get hurt.
i get irritated.
i get offended.
i feel sad when i'm betrayed.
i feel angry when i'm disrespected in any way.
yes, i try to follow desiderata.
i try to be good if i could.
but i am human too.
i am human too.
so f*ck off!

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

flashback 2010: i eat 5x a day

breakfast... breaking the fast...some hard-cooked egg (some call it hard-boiled)...this was when i still use the common-kitchen (september blues)...mixed nuts for morning snack, courtesy of dean manding...yummy, especially 'coz it's free! then teh lunch!!! one big red apple. a reminder.

frozen yogurt for dinner? why not... it's packed with nutrients and good bacteria! i don't know if it's just me, but after a small cup of  frozen yogurt, i felt full...kept the craving at bay 'til about midnight---

midnight snack - roasted corn dipped in apple cider vinegar. munch munch munch...don't ask me if this is any good. i say--- try!!!

[of course this is not a daily food sked (this is just an episode of my temporary life)... i eat rice with veggies, rice with alamang, rice with fish, rice with some chicken (not in one sitting) every now and then...plus water water water]

oh well, i eat. i pray. i love. i live...and...i just felt like sharing! (winks)

because life is short

...we shouldn't waste it by not multi-tasking

...we shouldn't shorten it more by surrendering to 'stresses'

...we shouldn't let it pass by without doing something good---

---for others, and most especially

---for ourselves.

because life is short, and... time is fleeting...aja! FIGHTING!

bored at work? been there, been that (throwback 2010)

we all get our share of those days when we feel oh-so-bored at work...sometimes there's a cause for it (stressor-boss, dead-end job and the like), sometimes, it just happens, as if it's a part of an unending cycle. here are 5 of the things i did before to boot me out of the feeling, might (fingerscrossed) work for you too:

1. following the advise of a plurkfriend, i tried getting enough sunlight, fresh air, and exercise before work. i also did brisk-walking (pretending i'm about to miss someone or something if i don't rush) in-between work and people-watching (best place to do this is a university park) after work.

2. 'coz it cured my boredom in the past, i tried helping a friend's organization- planning learning sessions and activities for out-of-school youth. i also did encoding for a citizens group, and packing of relief goods (among others) after-work time til after midnight. yeah, it's selfishness(and selflessness altogether). you may also want to go out and pick up trash in your community (did this with my playmates when i was 10)- and get fun not from picking trash but from the look on the people's faces wondering what you're up to. that gave me something to think about (other than work) while at work, and something to look forward to too.

3. oh this one's a sure hit- visit the library (or if you can't go out during work hours, surf surf surf) and check out some weird books (i read witchcraft).

4. i did something new! i tried learning japanese (used a book) then french (used an audio-book) then mandarin (used a book again) then spanish (this i did online) then german (attended saturday classes). didn't succeed at all of it but it sure did steal some of those boring moments (hopelessly trying to translate curses in my head). i tried learning the sign language (something to do with my fingers during dull moments) - i ended up to only learning words that are in two songs used by my teacher...i also tried to learn how to dance the way bollywood stars do just with a compilation of music videos from india (spent a lot of time imagining and laughing at myself while working)- whew! fun!

5. i re-decorated my fugly room (again, something to occupy mind and look forward to)! with magazines and newspaper first then old CDs and post-its. but if you don't want to or afraid you might feel depressed instead of just bored afterwards, just exercise-pushing furniture this way and that.

yeah, those are my top 5 attempts...as i stated in the beginning, some worked (for most, only for a while) some didn't but hey, nothing's not worth trying :) if one of these works for you, tell me about it...but if none, you can tell me about it too, let's share a good laugh and go back to spending/stealing some time of boredom at work searching for a new job. (lol)

flashback: my classic plants versus duh zombies

saturday night i visited my friend fritzie, spent the night with her...but her night is up to eleven piyem only so i had to face the pc by then til the end of my night at 2 eyem. good thing she introduced me to this craze - PLANTS VS ZOMBIES... the believed-to-be-addicting-pc game (that i have somewhat proven).

in this game, the basic goal is to prevent the zombies from breaching your defences (my plants) and destroying your base (my home). several defensive units are given and used. and there is a bit of economics (my forte) involved. i like the idea that i don't have an active attacking role. instead, i rely on my plants and my four 'i-know-will-work' plans...here's it:

(1) plan what i get/use. zombies do not appear for about 15 seconds, so i have time needed to plant a sunflower or two before the attack. i believe my sunflowers are the good friends and the good values that i have, they give me powers and i have to catch them (the powers they give) before they go to waste.

(2) place an attacking unit/support. though i don't attack, some of my plants will. they really have to or else my garden (my life's values) will be destroyed and my house (the fullness of me, my soul) will be attacked (who wants to read YOUR BRAINS ARE EATEN BY ZOMBIES message?)!

(3) keep clicking. i have to keep busy. an idle mind is the devil's playground. i need to work, study, learn from the school of life (that's the clicking) to protect myself from the sin of sloth and from being caught offguard once my attackers increase in numbers and ferocity.

(4) take only the units that i can use. there are cheaper units (my friends and the things that i learn for free) and somehow i needed them to repel my first attackers when i'm still stocking up on my sunpoints (these are the strengths that i gain from the values that i keep). there are also advanced units (they are the lessons i get only when i pay/sacrifice something to get them) which are more expensive, but are needed to destroy the tougher (or more numerous)zombies later.

so far, that's the level i have reached and the game plan i have made. soon, i'd be able to share my bigger plans as i go to higher levels  (greater goals usually entails steeper climb, harder challenges). i know as i progress deeper into adventure mode, other conditions will occur that will make me change tactics. but those four strategies i'd keep for a while.

here's a quick-look at the units and zombies i have/met so far:

sunflower. the more i plant, the more sun points will be available. as i wrote in the beginning, i think they are my good friends and the good values that i keep in my lifetime. 

pea shooter. this is the most basic attack unit/plant. firing rate is just so-so (just like my actions when i'm irritated- i'm overly kind to zombies) but it is also cheap (meaning it doesn't cause much heartache/headache). this means i can build them early even when values/strengths are failing- they try protect me the only way they know how.

wall nut. it's a defensive wall that can be destroyed, jumped, tunnelled, scaled, or flown over. (they are my poor tactics in dealing with my life's zombies, the devils all around). they are very useful however in some instances, like delaying the zombies from eating my patience whole.

cherry bomb. it's a one-use unit. when i place it in a cell, it destroys all the enemies in the eight cells around the unit. it's very handy but expensive and slow to build. [it's my almost on one-time 'flare-up' or 'breakdown' or whatever-it-is-you-call-it-moments that have become sort of a time-bomb that once i let it burst, the devils (zombies of my life) either die or lay low].

those four and the sun-shroom (inactive in day stages, a budget resource unit), fume-shroom  (a short range, high damage attack unit that can penetrate the screen door the zombie's defence used essentially as the flamethrower), and the grave buster (a special purpose one-use unit that destroys head stones and if placed near a zombie, it can be destroyed before it completes its task - i so wish i could have one of these in real life) are my dependable resources so far in my adventure.

and oh, not to forget the 'zombies'... a basic zombie usually comes in mass attacks. they are my stresses in life and i know that once the head is shorn off, the zombie is dead or dying. hence, i have to take pleasure in destroying them before they slowly destroy me.

the flag bearer is a zombie that signals a large horde. hmmm, it's completely unnecessary as the game already warns you of incoming zombie hordes but i guess, people like them exists- they tell you who backstabs you when all the while he/she is a part of the team...the game (my instincts) tells me ahead that he/she shouldn't be trusted and must be destroyed along with the others the soonest.

the metal bucket is a zombie with a bucket on its head. these are those who are with your usual zombies but way too thick-skinned to be affected by your defenses (read: sobrang kapalmuks). magnet-shroom, i heard (haven't seen one yet) will easily kill this bastard!

the pole vaulting zombie is like those enemies-in-disguise-of-a-caring-neighbor-or-pretending-to-be-friend. since it has it's way, it avoids the first plant it encounters in a lane by jumping over it, then proceeds as a basic zombie. only the tall nut will counter this unit's ability (that means, i have to look for ways to not be distracted or lure myself into believing this devil errr zombie).

see? the rules are simple…
in order to grow plants (in order to grow spiritually and become a good person), you have to protect your lawn from the zombies (people and events that are stressors and lead you to wrong path and soon will cause your downfall as a child of god), you need light (in promoting good values). there are several ways to get light: sunflowers (good friends), certain types of mushrooms (lessons from life), and, of course, the sun (god, whatever you conceive him to be).

PS. at the beginning of the game, i was introduced to crazy dave, my experienced-zombie-slaying-neighbour (well, he/she may be someone you thought of as crazy at first but later on you'd realize he/she is there to guide you as you go through your journey). he teaches you some strategy and sells you interesting tools to help protect your lawn (hmmm...we all need spiritual advisers or just anyone at all that will guide us in our decisions or strategies to better protect us from you-know-whats).

will i play this game again? perhaps.
will i go on fighting and living and protecting my humanity? YES!

die zombies! die!  (insert devil laugh here).

laundry poetry

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

Tis different from knowing that you won't

We all are actors playing out our part

It matters to take the role to the heart

Morning has broken, oh where were you night?

These years of madness will soon be out of sight

Toil with pleasure or beg for some crumbs

Be fit to survive... or just play dumb.

throwback 2010: letters are always heart-warming

here are some of the touching words i got from my friends after the first phase of my "grilling process"---i feel so blessed...

-much love to you afing!!

-Wow. That's a tough day. I'm impressed, though. It seems you handled it very well. If you need help, let me know.

-Oh sweetie...thanks for sharing...You must be under so much stress and it was catching up with you on Sunday! I get like that...usually getting sick after I have been in a very difficult situation or under a lot of stress.I hope it get's a bit better for you now.

-I want badly to just hug and comfort you...I'm here for you......I love you.

-Hooooray for keeping your composure through the grilling process...You have hurdled so many trials in your life that this is just another piece to it. You can do it. You have proven yourself so much. The road ahead may seem to still be hard and just do what you have always done, take one day at a time. Pray, plan and then make action. Whatever happens, you have come so far already. You have achieved so much and sometimes those achievements doesn't manifest in the way that we thought it would be but try looking from a different perspective and then you will realize that in so many ways, you have achieve success in your life.

-Your story and feelings are reminiscent of what I experienced and felt over those years after my proposal presentation. Just like you, I started my ambitious project with high hopes that I would finish it soon. But time and experience taught me a lot of lessons...with the right amount of motivation and inspiration, the process would make you a better person! It would be a humbling experience!

-I wish you could make it. You could make it by March 2011. I am still struggling with my paper also. But I know God is good. He will always help us when we ask Him.

these words, those letters they sent in the past...though most of them just don't realize it, kept me going (through the years). god bless my friends. i love them all.

series of extended power outages - why?

The recent 'brownouts' due to reduction of power supply in Mindanao has been affecting the residents, the small manufacturers and other business establishments.  In  Gen. Santos City (Gensan), this translated to 'rotational brownouts' to the dismay of the many if not all. The outages last from 2 to 7 hours in a day. As expected, it is not a welcome news, even so for the southern Philippines region. 

But even before these series of extended power outages (sometimes scheduled and announced),  Zamboanga and other cities have already experienced 'brownouts' due to the decision of state-run National PowerCorporation (NAPOCOR) to reduce power supply in the city by several megawatts (MW). It is in this event that Gensan suffers the same fate as power supply in the region was cut by hundreds of MW (coupled with the steadily increasing demand) according to the National Grid of Corporation of the Philippines.

Here's how 'The Grid' thing works: A power grid consists of a set of large power plants (hydropower plants, nuclear power plants, etc.) all connected together by wires. It also works as a power-distribution system because it allows sharing. If a power company needs to take a power plant or a transmission tower off line for maintenance, the other parts of the grid can pick up the slack.

For instance, you have tens of thousands of power consumers using megawatts of power, at that exact moment, you have several power plants producing exactly the right amount of power to satisfy all of that demand. And you have all the transmission and distribution lines sending the power from the power plants to the households, offices and/or businesses.
The system, even as it works on an efficient level, is not perfect. There can be situations too (say when there is high demand) that the interconnected nature of the grid makes the system may fail (hence a sudden power outage/interruption). Sometimes, to avoid that (or to secure some level of supply in the coming weeks), the power distributor opts to 'ration' the power supply, hence scheduled 'brownouts'.

Gensan Mayor Darlene Custodio openly presented in her latest State of the City Address (SOCA) the fear that the power situation in the city could get worse and somehow implied that her hands are tied regarding this matter. She tried suggesting several moves which revolved around consumers, offices and businesses to minimize power demand in their own end.

Yes, this is basic supply and demand material. The higher the population (both residence and industry players), the higher the demand for energy. When demand is higher than supply, adjustments may be either [1.] to increase the price (for such good/service) or [2.] to lower the quantity (which may have been their preference) or [c.] both. As consumers, we can only accept this event if it doesn't result to inconvenience and a lot of unwanted changes in our routines among others, but it does...

As to the problem of supply, one solution is to build significant amounts of excess capacity (for example extra power plants, extra transmission lines). With extra capacity, it would be able to pick up the load the moment something else failed.  Here, economics principle #1 would of course come in: with increased capacity is an increasing power charge (bill). So for now, as I assume we make the choice as a group to save some money, we try live with the risk of losing power every now and then :(

But then again, if this route (having electricity from source to our homes/businesses) is that established for many years, how come that we are now suffering the failure of the power distributors (or perhaps the local government) to act on the power crisis which (I believe) was foreseen years ago? Das ist die Frage!

from me to me: congratulations!



CONGRATULATIONS SAKURA!
you made it! see?
 i was right, you can do it without loosing your grip.
i know you'd do well but... you just don't believe in yourself
the way that i do (belive in you)
why is that?
when you know that you have prepared for that
and did your best (as you always do).
has the world been so unkind that you just can't trust it fully anymore?
keep on believing sakura.
keep on doing your best and keep on wanting to
make a difference in this world
the way you knew how.



i just didn't do it

it's the title of a japanese film i saw.
the movie is about a young man
falsely accused of molesting a high-school girl
on a train. he was arrested and charged,
and goes through almost-endless court sessions,
all the while insisting that he is innocent.

i don't want to do the same.
i was accused. i was judged.
what more can i do? appeal?
but you stated that an appeal does not guarantee anything.
so why would i?
should i just thank you for not killing me?
okay, thank you.

but you should know, i - just - didn't - do - it!

at a loss

it's been 3 weeks. still i can't build my ideas/framework/path to my exit paper. what's happening? i'm at a loss. inspiration, where are you? spark of genius, where are you? adrenaline rush, where are you?...ohm ohm ohm. i tell you, this will be a nonsensical entry. i have to let this out or else this will poison whatever sanity i have inside. four more papers for the various courses i foolishly took this semester. one major project for the german class. one overly-fundamental written exam for a core subject...and review review review for the five comprehensive exams to be taken at exactly the same date as my 33rd birth anniversary. those and the framework of my exit paper (they love to call it dissertation) ---> the cross-eyed bear. waaaahhhh!!! my escape? funny thoughts while supply lasts... see pictures. but yes, i must wake up and do start producing before it's too late. kill me- kill me quick!