i am human too. [re-entry 2010]

i get hurt.
i get irritated.
i get offended.
i feel sad when i'm betrayed.
i feel angry when i'm disrespected in any way.
yes, i try to follow desiderata.
i try to be good if i could.
but i am human too.
i am human too.
so f*ck off!

sharing. from depression to life, again.

soul-cleaning

at times, this gets to be so tiring...
the loving, the living, the learning, the tolerating or understanding...
the daily route of a seemingly one way street
and blindly hoping there's a road, or even just a path
that leads some moving summer breeze back to me...
then the dishes called for cleaning.
i, for the first time for over several months,
replied with some urgency, to remove all debris,
to seek answers to confusion, to get some relief...
but the soap turned out to be of no match, at a disadvantage
for the cold cold stains. i should have made suds and
allow the stains to leave the dishes on its own.
cleaning, on some occasion requires time
and willingness of the party to be cleaned.
now, it all came back:
the reason for letting things be,
for not moving even if you're itching to run,
for staying silent when all you wanted to do is to scream.
perhaps, the same reason of a quick mind in a quick sand.
then all at once, you make yourself believe
that every feeling of weariness is your own making ...
that you are always free to change your path, your future,
perhaps even your past. then in that very moment,
your inner voice will whisper: let it be.

my TOP 10 favorite quotes from TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER (a story within the watchmen story, all quoted from the sea captain)

1. How had I reached this appalling position with love, 

only love, as my guide? 

2.  My raft had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation.
Adrift, my darkest imaginings welled up unchecked,
spilling from brain to heart like ink.
Impossible to remove. 

3.  There came an understanding so large, 

it left no room for sanity. 

So I ran. 

The knowledge of my damnation chased me, 

shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. 

4. One of my crew lay ahead. Birds were eating his thoughts and memories. 

5. Whoever we are, wherever we reside, we exist on the whim of murderers. 

6. God has damned me. 

God has damned us all. 

Truly, life is hell, 

and 

death's rough hand her only deliverance.

7. Know this my friends: Hades is wet. Hades is lonely.
And in that instant, we knew each other.

8. I headed east. East, borne on the bodies of murdered men. 

Hope can be a horrible thing.

9.I was a horror; amongst horrors must I dwell...

10. Noble intentions had led me to atrocity. 

The righteous anger fueling my ingenious awful scheme 

was but delusion. 

Where was my error? 

i cant be sorry for who i am

oh eff! i don't even know who or what i am as a creature...one thing is for sure: i don't like it when someone says they know me so well or they speak of or write of me as if they have known me for a lifetime. where is this coming from? here--- i stumbled upon a poem and the poem hit me. usually poems hit me but this specific poem hit me as somebody who have not known me for long, believed he/she figured me out based on the fictional or not-so-fictional-whatever-that-is character i playfully projected and somehow ranted about it. why was i consumed by it? maybe because i wanted to cry foul 'coz when i playfully project one side of me to someone, its because i thought that someone is a more-advanced life form and wouldn't look at that side of me that way or...maybe, just maybe... i am loving the drama (we all do sometimes eh?) . oh well. :)

is this hoping against hope?

---I SEE NO NEED TO CAPTION THIS---

PLEASE DO SO IF YOU MUST

[pic courtesy of http://spankyenriquez.blogspot.com - big thanks]