DUCKS ON YOUR HEAD

In kindness, there was a weariness profound,

A shifting mind, too often lost, then found.

Amidst the chaos, troubles, and strife,

I yearn for peace, a pause from this life.

Breathing, once easy, now feels like a chore,

Understanding, once clear, now lives here  no more.

Sights, sounds, feelings, overwhelming as they call,

Concerns that aren't mine, yet I think of them all.

In motion, such weariness so deep,

In waiting, a tiredness that steals my sleep.

Always there for others, I forgot my heart,

Denying myself the freedom to err, to restart.

Weariness has found a home in me,

Oh I'll find rest, when tiredness sets me free.

(Version 1/Safe Version)

Sakura Magtanggol, 2024

----

i have gotten tired of being kind

i have gotten tired of changing mind

i have gotten tired of all the mess and troubles i need to check 

and solve and be just done after not breathing (almost) to keep up

i have gotten tired of breathing

i have gotten tired of understanding

i have gotten tired of seeing, listening, feeling all those concerns 

that sometimes i think, (no, i know) doesn't even concern me at all

i have gotten tired of moving

i have gotten tired of waiting

i have gotten tired of being always there for everyone, 

and not giving myself chance to err or snoooze for a little while.

i have gotten tired. 

i am not resting until this tired gets tired of me.

(Version 2/ Sane Version)

Sakura Magtanggol, 2024

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

The Theology of Enough I

and then there was light

indeed

for man learned to love to live

in the dark

and in the end

man learned to love the dark

in the dark, the light is brighter

so bright, it hurts

so bright, it kills

and then there was food

indeed

for man learned to love to eat

to satiate hunger

and in the end

man learned to love the food

with food, the man is satiated

so satiated, it hurts

so satiated, it kills

and then there were words

indeed

for man learned to speak

to express

and in the end

man learned to love the words

with words, the man is heard

so loud, it hurts

so loud, it kills

and then there was thought- enough

enough of all the things that please

the heart

the body

the soul

enough of everything

the cuentos and encantos

and then it stopped when she shouted

"cut those fingernails"

(for that man has his soul trapped in his fingernails...for ever)

flashback: my long-dead father

this is an excerpt from an email by my dear cousin maj—
we haven’t been together for so long, decades!
but we did try and been trying to keep in touch,
keeping the thread that holds our families together…
i have known a little about my father,
they tell me i write like him—
how in the world i should know???
but here’s a message coming from my cousin’s heart,
who may have known my father better than i did…

…."It is indeed always a mystery
why there is so much injustice in this world
when humans are naturally blessed with good hearts.
When I hear of deaths, the first person that comes to my mind
is Tio Aling, your father.
Believe it or not.
He was the only close relative I’ve had
whose death I’ve witnessed and seen.
I’m sorry if this brings you memories…
bitter or sweet…but your father was a good person.
His ideals may have clashed with others but God knows
how he holds human rights as supreme to all.
I vividly remember all the confusion in
Mabini Street when news leaked out about Tio
being tortured and brutally killed…
and his body being brought back.
Those are images that continue to surface in my mind,
even at my very young age.
I clearly remember how thousands of people turned out for the funeral
— never seen that huge crowd in town.
Those are people who have loved your father dearly.
It crossed my mind…
if he’s indeed a "bad" guy that others tried to portray,
then why are there thousands of people who have expressed
their condolences and sympathy to our family?
Yes, sometimes life is a mystery.
And sometimes we are confronted with situations
that are beyond our control…."…

so not love

after dejuicion, perfect
better decision than none

mob of might-coloreds
stealing some, little space
not to grow, not at all
no dream
no plan
no way

crumpled, pleasing taste
stealing little, some place
not to glow, not at all
no way
no need
no thing

afterward, onwards known
nothing but grapes -humiliated!

rape is not a laughing matter

People will never understand

the emotional pain of being raped.

Or still feeling dirty 22 years later.

Or blaming yourself because

you would think that you might

have done something to deserve it.

Or hating a particular scent because

your rapist commented that you smell good in it.

Or hating how you look like and even

calling it a curse because you thought

that it was the reason why you were sexually assaulted.

Or letting yourself go hoping that men

wouldn't find you attractive anymore.

Or the urge to leave everything behind

so the pain would just stop.

Only people who experienced the same violence

will ever understand it.

.

[M.Magallanes, Aug.31,2018]

.

#RapeIsNotAJoke #RapeIsNotALaughingMatter #StopVAWC

#BabaeAko #Respect #WomensRights #SexualHarassment

#RapeIsACrime #MayRespetoAngMgaBisaya #DiliKatawAnan

shrek havin midlife crisis??? [tb051910]

the 4th installment in the shrek-franchise is a 'must-see'. while the movie is in-the-making, i was already cooking something on what the theme of the story will be (i, a self-confessed movie addict and yes- shrek fan). after almost a decade, one might ask, 'will this last installment attract audience for reasons apart from it being the last installment?' . that- i have found out yesterday... thanks to azrael, the prince-ever of manila bloggers (in the pic, he was with shrek on SM Imax).

4pm, 19th of may 2010, as eastwood mall unveils its 3d cinema, my much-awaited movie was screened specially for media (including bloggers) and VIPs. with shrek for photo-ops and a cocktail (both of which i was too sleepy to enjoy), i entered the room and stolen some minutes of sleep (read the alibi: i was mentally preparing for the show). crowds came in batches and with few messages (check out other blog entries for full coverage), we were asked to put our 3d glasses on and voila! shrek it is!

have you imagined puss lookin soft-and-fluffy like garfield? ... fiona acting like an amazona? ...donkey singing whitney's greatest love of all? enya's sail away on an seeming-imaginarium scene?...an ogre in an oliver twist material?...those and much much more suddenly came alive! right then i realized that it's not just shrek giving us laughs- it's shrek reminding us of our dear little problems of living such as the dreaded "midlife crisis". there is something very important that this animated movie is telling us: at times, you'd realize and only get to appreciate what you have  when it's gone.

i left the cinema with goodies (chocolates!),  fliers from sponsors and with a hazy vision of the philippine's first-sister kris aquino (winks) and her son james being interviewed. later in the evening, i overheard her saying (in a talk show) that she 'loved the movie so much'. don't take her word for it...even mine. shrek forever after will be shown worldwide and in philippine cinemas tomorrow (20th). see for yourself,  or better yet, see it with your spouse (or a special someone)- you'd know what i mean afterwards.

(pictures courtesy of azraelcodilla.com & poptower.com)

bored at work? been there, been that (throwback 2010)

we all get our share of those days when we feel oh-so-bored at work...sometimes there's a cause for it (stressor-boss, dead-end job and the like), sometimes, it just happens, as if it's a part of an unending cycle. here are 5 of the things i did before to boot me out of the feeling, might (fingerscrossed) work for you too:

1. following the advise of a plurkfriend, i tried getting enough sunlight, fresh air, and exercise before work. i also did brisk-walking (pretending i'm about to miss someone or something if i don't rush) in-between work and people-watching (best place to do this is a university park) after work.

2. 'coz it cured my boredom in the past, i tried helping a friend's organization- planning learning sessions and activities for out-of-school youth. i also did encoding for a citizens group, and packing of relief goods (among others) after-work time til after midnight. yeah, it's selfishness(and selflessness altogether). you may also want to go out and pick up trash in your community (did this with my playmates when i was 10)- and get fun not from picking trash but from the look on the people's faces wondering what you're up to. that gave me something to think about (other than work) while at work, and something to look forward to too.

3. oh this one's a sure hit- visit the library (or if you can't go out during work hours, surf surf surf) and check out some weird books (i read witchcraft).

4. i did something new! i tried learning japanese (used a book) then french (used an audio-book) then mandarin (used a book again) then spanish (this i did online) then german (attended saturday classes). didn't succeed at all of it but it sure did steal some of those boring moments (hopelessly trying to translate curses in my head). i tried learning the sign language (something to do with my fingers during dull moments) - i ended up to only learning words that are in two songs used by my teacher...i also tried to learn how to dance the way bollywood stars do just with a compilation of music videos from india (spent a lot of time imagining and laughing at myself while working)- whew! fun!

5. i re-decorated my fugly room (again, something to occupy mind and look forward to)! with magazines and newspaper first then old CDs and post-its. but if you don't want to or afraid you might feel depressed instead of just bored afterwards, just exercise-pushing furniture this way and that.

yeah, those are my top 5 attempts...as i stated in the beginning, some worked (for most, only for a while) some didn't but hey, nothing's not worth trying :) if one of these works for you, tell me about it...but if none, you can tell me about it too, let's share a good laugh and go back to spending/stealing some time of boredom at work searching for a new job. (lol)

soul-cleaning II

“When faced with senseless drama, 

spiteful accusations and unfounded opinions, 

stand up for yourself. 

Christ always met his accusers and listened. 

Do all that you can to understand their motives, 

then focus on how you can heal them. 

There are some people that can carry wounds for so long 

and all they need is for you to listen without judgment, 

in order to heal the situation. 

They remain silent not because they don’t care. 

Their pain gives themselves away. 

They simply don’t trust you will hear them and validate how they feel. 

You might not agree with them, but peace isn’t about being right. 

It is about the willingness to hear the pain of another, 

then agreeing not to contribute to it anymore. 

However, realize that there are some people 

that simply want to be a victim. They will deny their actions, 

jabs and insults and magnify your actions to the extremes. 

They will blame you. 

Love these people also 

because something happened to them in their life. 

They will profess they are simple, easy going people 

that avoids drama. However, that is not true. 

They rise with conflict. 

They are passive aggressive types 

that pull people into their petty disputes for support 

because it feeds the attention they lack. 

They are supercharged by drama, 

or they wouldn’t seek it out and participate in it. 

Love them also because somewhere in their life 

they were made to feel unimportant. 

This destructive pattern for healing their wounds 

is short lived and will often repeat itself, 

until real therapy can occur.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

soul-cleaning

at times, this gets to be so tiring...
the loving, the living, the learning, the tolerating or understanding...
the daily route of a seemingly one way street
and blindly hoping there's a road, or even just a path
that leads some moving summer breeze back to me...
then the dishes called for cleaning.
i, for the first time for over several months,
replied with some urgency, to remove all debris,
to seek answers to confusion, to get some relief...
but the soap turned out to be of no match, at a disadvantage
for the cold cold stains. i should have made suds and
allow the stains to leave the dishes on its own.
cleaning, on some occasion requires time
and willingness of the party to be cleaned.
now, it all came back:
the reason for letting things be,
for not moving even if you're itching to run,
for staying silent when all you wanted to do is to scream.
perhaps, the same reason of a quick mind in a quick sand.
then all at once, you make yourself believe
that every feeling of weariness is your own making ...
that you are always free to change your path, your future,
perhaps even your past. then in that very moment,
your inner voice will whisper: let it be.

farewell

Wounds of the spirit... 

are most gently soothed and made whole by the passing years. 

Under the old scars flows again the calm,  healthful tide of life.... 

Under a great loss the heart impetuously cries that it can never be happy again, 

and perhaps in its desperation says that it wishes never to be comforted. 

But though angels do not fly down to open the grave and restore the lost, 

the days and months come as angels with healing in their wings. 

Under their touch aching regret passes into tender memory; 

into hands that were empty new joys are softly pressed; 

and the heart that was like the trees stripped of its leaves and 

beaten by winter's tempests is clothed again with the green of spring. 

~George S. Merriam

FARE THEE WELL ROMEL...

missing the toxic sked

0530: wake up to a smell of morning coffee with lotsa milk
0630: bathed and ready for work while helping the boys get ready
0700: off to school- teach, read, research, chat, learn et.cet.
1200: lunchtime with the boys
1330: back to school - consult, teach, sort/pay bills and/or do other errands
1730: early dinner with the boys
1830: TV time, chat-time with hubby, assist wowa in his 'homework'
2100: sleep time (of the boys), house clean-up time
2200: prepare for tomorrow- clothes, shoes, food et.cet.
2230: check papers, prepare lessons while watching(listening to) movies
0200: sleeptime et.cet. :))