echoes and sketches, 1995

(far beyond far,
deep beyond deep,
still beyond still)

and the people cry, goes
“make them see, make them feel!!!”

and the poet spake, so low
“they are all but fools! How can I?
no jesus christ to stand tall amidst…
even then
have eyes, but didn’t see
have ears, but didn’t hear
have system, but didn’t feel…”

“nonsense!”, the people cried
“you might as well try”

and the poet spake, so low
“i might as well do, i’m afraid
no jesus christ i am to suffer amidst…
even then
his most high reverence
his kingdom and glory
his power everlasting

and they walked together, the poet and the people
believing to have conquered all the fears within

and they shouted to the highest
“we will be ! we shall be !
far beyond far like echoes in the night
even then
deep beyond deep as jesus christ’s
still beyond still as sketches in the wall
we will be! we shall be !”

and the people soon felt infirm
one by one they faced the last breath

and the poet wondered
“how could this be ? i’m left alone.
how can i? no jesus christ to die so others may live
even then
so he wrote deep lyrics beyond deep
so he sent echoes of emptiness, far beyond
so he drew sketches of nothingness still

and the poet wandered
clutching lyrics…echoes…sketches

just as i thought
no jesus christ he was
but he lived ‘til the end, the people he passed
even then
life held in love worked far beyond far
deep beyond life, beautiful nothingness
still beyond life, beautiful emptiness

and the people see
and the people feel.

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

Du...wieder [ode to 33rd]

Du, den ich für viele Jahre geliebt habe

Du, den ich immer noch liebe

Du, der mich als tot betrachtet hat

Der mich jedoch mehr geliebt hat als das Leben selbst

Du, den ich Zwangshaft versucht habe zu vergessen

Du, an den ich immer noch denke

Du, den ich jetzt selbst als tot betrachten möchte

Der aber noch lebendiger als das Leben selbst ist

Du bist die Vergangenheit.

nichts weiter als eine Vergangenheit.

schön, aber nichts anderes als eine

schöne Vergangenheit.

zu schön, um loszulassen. 
zu schmerzhaft um dich zu behalten.

*************
[special thanks to chris, my dearest northern light
for patiently checking and sharing a better/prettier version...mwah]

nothingness

It's nothing but a circle
and a cycle on and on and on and on
you - being born, you-living, you-loving, you-hurting
you-giving up or you- loving/living some more.
you are there, they can see
they can feel 'coz you are there...and then you're gone
you aren't there, they can't see
they can't feel 'coz you aren't there even if you know you still are there
you are gone, even if you are not
gone gone gone
and the cycle goes on and on and on and on
you, and that circle have become one or... nothing.
Ah, nirvana.

one saturday of my life [tb080810]

i was terrified.
i don't know you.
you don't know me.
earth swallow me.
i was AMBITIOUS.
i better go around the world --
and take it from there.

sleeping was a challenge
this time i cried.
but yes, i'm fine.

goodbye march 2011.

i teach best what i most need to learn [tb091410]

on the 16th i'd be presenting my paper in a national conference. i have been teaching for 12 years now, but still i can't help but feel nervous everytime  i speak. others say they hardly notice my nerves when i speak---pft! that's because they can't feel me shivering and sweating, they don't see me vomitting the day and a couple of hours before, thay don't hear me asking the moon to take me or the earth to swallow me...

if i'd have the chance to talk to me today, here's my script:

stop those negative thoughts sakura! negative thoughts will kill whatever confidence you have left in that weird system of yours. what negative things you say to yourself, about yourself, inside your head is probably worse than anything else other people say to you. STOP! it doesn't help you thinking that way. STOP! those things in your head---they are not real! your audience are people too. they are just curious. if one is sarcastic, just think that he/she may have had a rough childhood/or may be having a midlife crisis. if one is irking you, smile and politely answer him/her what you know. you know more, you know better 'coz that's your work. goodluck and hey, if you come out alive afterwards (i'm sure you will), have an icecream and dance as if no one's watching...blah blah blah.

my husband's mistress

LISA MARIE DEL ROSARIO, 25 years old, HRM graduate, working in Singapore for six years, went home [ ]. She has a long wavy hair, 5’5” in height, and a vital statistics of 34-25- 36. And so, their story goes. Lisa got [my husband's] number from a common friend. She had seen him twice and is willing to be his friend. Lisa is a liberated woman and has an Indian fiancé left in Singapore. She works in three hotels as a front desk supervisor. Living independently and temporarily staying with her Uncle’s family in [the city where we live], she’s afraid of commitment for having a sister in Dubai who is separated. The Hi’s and Hello’s started it all. Singapore and jobs in Singapore sustained their communication. Then as time passed, the commitment as text mates was established. From text mates to friends, they shared insights about family, their likes and dislikes, their weaknesses and experiences too...

Eventually, texting became less challenging and expensive so they both agreed to chat. Closeness became very evident. They became intimate friends endlessly sharing ‘anything’ under the sun. Too much familiarity is indeed boring. Cutting the story short, Lisa started it all. Fascinated with her, he also became interested. Loneliness yearns for comfort and for passion. And since they were both lonely (maybe), they found each other. They shared ‘everything’ (as in everything!) using the technology available; in bed, in the bathroom, and wherever their sinful imaginations could reach. Often, the last question both of them ask each other is: ‘HAPPY?’, with a big yes as an answer of course! Passionately, Lisa would always assure him that she would do everything to make him hers, exclusively hers alone. Because of that enduring happiness, the plan to meet personally was set aside.

One time, Lisa dared to call and listened to his moans and etc. Lisa couldn’t help it. The emotions were overwhelming (killing her!). It felt ecstatic yet burns like hell! It was fathomless. Uncovering the mouth piece, she asked softly: Happy? Finally, for the first time he heard her voice over the phone, a very familiar voice. He was suddenly offline. Lisa cried.

[ lisa?...] WAS ME!

[this is stolen with assumed permission

from my dear friend's blog http://chakchakchinagool.blogspot.com .

i don't know why i'm posting 3/4 of the article here.

(if you wanna know what happened next,

you better see the entire thing in her blogpage).

perhaps it's because this part gave me the creeps.

oh what a wife would do...and oh what a husband can do...

oh what loneliness or lust or love can do... dear heavens!]

my TOP 10 favorite quotes from TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER (a story within the watchmen story, all quoted from the sea captain)

1. How had I reached this appalling position with love, 

only love, as my guide? 

2.  My raft had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation.
Adrift, my darkest imaginings welled up unchecked,
spilling from brain to heart like ink.
Impossible to remove. 

3.  There came an understanding so large, 

it left no room for sanity. 

So I ran. 

The knowledge of my damnation chased me, 

shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. 

4. One of my crew lay ahead. Birds were eating his thoughts and memories. 

5. Whoever we are, wherever we reside, we exist on the whim of murderers. 

6. God has damned me. 

God has damned us all. 

Truly, life is hell, 

and 

death's rough hand her only deliverance.

7. Know this my friends: Hades is wet. Hades is lonely.
And in that instant, we knew each other.

8. I headed east. East, borne on the bodies of murdered men. 

Hope can be a horrible thing.

9.I was a horror; amongst horrors must I dwell...

10. Noble intentions had led me to atrocity. 

The righteous anger fueling my ingenious awful scheme 

was but delusion. 

Where was my error? 

lessons from japan

1. THE CALM - 

Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. 

Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY - 

Disciplined queues for water and groceries. 

Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY - 

The incredible architects, for instance. 

Buildings swayed but didn't fall.

4. THE GRACE - 

People bought only what they needed for the present, 

so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER - 

No looting in shops. 

No honking and no overtaking on the roads. 

Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE - 

Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. 

How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS - 

Restaurants cut prices. 

An unguarded ATM is left alone. 

The strong cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING - 

The old and the children, 

everyone knew exactly what to do. 

And they did just that.

9. THE MEDIA - 

They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. 

No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE - 

When the power went off in a store, 

people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.
Now that is a good example of an evolved nation.

***this piece was taken from a group email, 

just thought this is really worth sharing***

is this hoping against hope?

---I SEE NO NEED TO CAPTION THIS---

PLEASE DO SO IF YOU MUST

[pic courtesy of http://spankyenriquez.blogspot.com - big thanks]

here's why his comments made me shiver - (doh) (tears)

friend lainie (working in singapore) sent me this message few minutes ago with an intro: I had 2nd thoughts forwarding this, but i guess we could still learn something from this. oh well, i must give the same intro to you too. but as i read on, i can feel myself nodding to some of his sentiments (crossed sentences are mine, those are lines which i think are somewhat foul, at least for now)...here:

kir106 on August 25, 2010 at 1:47 pm As a white person married to a filipina and father to two half dutch / filipino children, I feel for Philippines. I have sadness but I also have frustration and anger towards filipino culture (in some cases, filipino behaviour is idiotic)...because I see it in my wife, in my in-laws and her relations.

To most foreigners, we see and understand the bad things in filipino culture (and yet filipinos do not understand nor see the bad in themselves, why because you filipinos think that you are good people because you are catholics or born-agains....let me tell you, there are bad catholics and there are bad born-agains).

This sad story just highlights the idiotic nature of filipino culture and how it impacts on the filipino society. This bad side of the filipino culture was displayed over the world (via cable tv and internet, however we have ABS-CBN so we watched it live). I will try and explain in english and broken tagalog:

Idiot 1: Stupid Filipino Negotiator The filipino negotiator only talked for about 30 minutes then gave up. That is not how you do or practice negotiation skills in hostage situations. In other parts of the world, most negotiators do it for 48 hours. They give the hostagetaker lots of food and water to drink and talk to him all the time. The logic behind this is after 12 hours (of eating and drinking), they need to pee or poo (kailangan wee-wee at tae), so he have to get out of the bus, that's when you need to attack him. Have you tried to talk on the phone when ebs is starting to come out? Its very hard. This is a technique filipino negotiators need to learn. Yes, the hostagetaker was given food...but it should have been more over a 48 hour period. After 48 hours, susuko din ito.

Idiot 2: Stupid Swat Team with a Hammer He was a stupid swat team who was hammering the window with a long and heavy pile driver hammer. After 3 attempts he got tired, he needed to let go of the hammer and give his gun to his partner so he can rest. Well, next time try to work out in the gym, do some weights and jog to get fit. Sobra taba pagod agad.

Idiot 3: Emergency lock out on Hydraulic Doors All tour buses have an emergency lock out for the hydraulic doors. It's located under the bus near the underside of the door. I saw on TV that they were trying to find out where the lock out is...instead the tababoy swat hammered the door, what did it do...nothing, it's still remained close and he got tired some more. In other parts of the world, the tactical response group practice everyday on how to attack or seige a hostage situation, they study all type of vehicles (airplanes, buses, trains, boats etc) and practice how to attack these positions. They study were the entry and exit are, where emergency doors are and how to stop these vehicles (just ask the Israel Tactical response group, they do this every day). Next time, study the layout of the bus first. Filipinos tend not to worry about what may happen, they only act when it is happening.

Idiot 4: Roping the Door Another swat team [member] (the tababoy swat team have to be substituted he got tired) tried to rope the door and pull it using the Isuzu police truck...what happened? The rope ... hellllloooo .....hydraulic doors are designed to stand against a lot of force and pressure. A rope made of abaca won't open it.

Idiot 5: The bystander boy who got shot in the leg A bystander got shot in the leg. Well, what do you expect? The swat team should have quarantined and sanctioned the area. Example: put a ribbon or barracade saying "Crime Scene" just like you see in the movies....or is the PNP too poor to buy one of those. Al bystanders should realise that they are not part of the event and if something happens to them it is their own fault. Buti nga sayo, buhay ka pa !!

Idiot 6: Throwing tear gas into the bus It is idiotic to throw tear gas into a bus when nobody knew how many people were still alive. Of those dead people, I wonder how many died of tear gas suffocation. Of course, PNP will not admit it, they will say that the hostagetaker killed them. I do not trust filipino autopsy. Filipinos tend to fake documents or stories to make them look good (it's called 'saving face'). As far as the PNP is concerned, the hostagetaker killed them and no other investigation is required.

Idiot 7:Firing into the bus This is one of the most serious idiotic actions they did. Firing into the bus also creates ricochet (banda-banda). I wonder how many got killed because of this? Like number 6, PNP will not admit it.

Idiot 8: Swat team entering after the tear gas This idiotic act is the one that made me laugh (and I am sure all tactical response group in the world will be using this as a "don't do" training video because of its 'kenkoy' effect). Two swat teams enter the bus after they put the tear gas...what happened...they have to asked for help from the people outide to get them out because they cant breath...why...because they forgot the gas mask. Next time do an inventory of equipment you need in case of emergency.

Idiot 9: The treatment of the brother and family of the hostagetaker It was seen on TV that the wife, daughter and brother of the hostagetaker were treated poorly. Nobody helped them, not even the media. No person tried to help the family. In most society, a group of people will form a circle around the family to help them...nobody did that for them. Where is the people power...Philippines have done it before, why didn't they do it then? No one offered help to the wife and the pregnant daughter, they saw their father killed in front of them. That is no way to treat people....for a country who claims to be 'mapagmahal', catholic and christian that was an utter embarrassment.

Idiot 10: Corrupt police The hostagetaker wanted to clear his name because he was charged with corruption. Corruption...in the Phillippines....that's news to me (sarcastic)!!! One policeman charged with corruption is not going to make a difference. Catching small corruption is not going to make a difference....the real corruption happens at the top of filipino government (ie Marcos, Erap, Arroyo).Us foreigners laugh at filipino stupidity because you do not learn, you get rid of Marcos because he was bad and corrupt, but still vote for Imelda and her children to become congressman and governor, give them a second chance to be corrupt again......so, nothing changed. That's Corruption....and 'katangahan ng pilipino'. In other countries, police treat one another like brothers and help them when they need it. It did not happen here.

Idiot 11: Media and dead people This is the most idiotic and unacceptable behaviour that was displayed to the world. Filipino media is to be blamed for this. Respect and sensitivity should have been excersised by the media. They showed (in close up), the dead body of the hostagetaker hanging from the door with blood and brains dripping from the head, the dead body of a child and other dead bodies with blood being taken out of the bus. This should not have been televised. The relatives of the dead will not want it televised but the filipino media did. This is not good. Respect for the dead should have been observed.

Idiot 12: Laughing Sniper The sniper was interviewed by the media and he seemed to be happy and laughing when he told the reporter how he shot the hostagetaker in the head and that he was proud he killed him. The wife, daughter and father of the hostagetaker (watching from their province) will obviously will not want another person to hear how proud they were when he shot their husband / father. I hope that the sniper have a son, father, brother and I hope one day someone will shoot them infront of him and I want to know how he feels then.

CONCLUSION: This will only give filipinos a bad name overseas. It will also affect filipinos who are born overseas, eventhough they have nothing to do with this, they will be judged of what filipinos in Philippines did. For filipinos trying to get a visa to Canada, USA, UK, Europe etc...forget it...you will be judged by their immigration office for this kind of event. They already know that most filipinos are likely to be TNT and this backlash will make it even harder for filipinos to get visa.

Ganti [revenge] on DH - I am sure, that Hong Kong / China will go on a massive revenge on filipina DH in hong kong. I am sure of it. HK and Chinese only see filipinas as lowly people who's only role is to clean houses. PS: chinese people don't know that Europeans look at them as lowly immigrants who clean toilets in europe....ganti din.

Ganti on japayuki -Also, Japanese people will take revenge on japayukis in Japan. Japanese people already treat filipinas like dirt and they will even treat them even worse because of this. Japanese people to not take filipinos in high regard...japanese only see filipinos as dirt people who will do anything just to get money (ie be japayuki in japan).

Ganti on OFW in Saudi -I'm sure too, that OFW in Saudi will also feel the revenge of people there because of this. I am sure that my children will be teased and bullied at school because of this. My children, regardless of being half-white are still brown in colour, with black hair (but with blue eyes) and people know they are half-filipinos. So filipinos in Philippines, your stupidity in your country is also 'hawa-hawa' to other filipinos overseas...they get judged by what you filipinos in Philippines do to yourselves or to others. Internet order filipina brides will always get foreign husbands, unfortunately for filipino lalaki, there is no such thing as internet order filipino husbands (I never seen white woman with filipino husband), as more filipina marry foreigner more filipino lalaki are left behind in philippines (my wife said she does not like filipino lalaki because they are 'tanga'.....I know she married me for money and greencard so she can send dollars to her batugan parents and batugan brothers, batugan cousins and batugan kapitbahay)....so, the only hope for Philippines is for half-foreigner and half-filipino children, half is better than stupid full-blood filipino.

-end of email (enough said muna)-

woes as the school opens

june came quite fast. yesterday t'was just march. hmmm. in the last two months i rushed rushed rushed so i'd have at least a mile early from my target (paper for school), but whew! thing's aren't that easy. the only consolation i have is that i'm still alive and still am strong to move forward and try to finish what i have started. reminds me of my wail a year ago (money money!!! money- it can buy happiness sometimes).

i tried having a 2-week off so i can sort things out in the house, to basically prepare my boyman wowa for his 'grade 3 schooling' and all. i have to be sure that he had his flu vaccine, that he is continuously having his swimming lessons, that his papa and him are doing okay at home with their usual 'without-me routines'.

everything seems fine, i am having an 'almost-okay-vacay' when the nanny suddenly announced her intention to continue her college education. that only means she has to leave us. oh, that's okay with me, coz i have been encouraging her to pursue that, reminding her that time is of the essence so she has to save enough but woh! i never thought she'd decide to pursue it in her father's place (education is way cheaper there, haaay).

so with about a week before i go back to finishing my paper miles away from home (about 2-hour plane ride), i am now trying to put things together to prepare my boyman and his papa and everything that i can, this time with some extra changes---'coz they won't have someone (yet) to assist them. i am shaken. i am worried. but. . . i am hopeful. everything will be alright.