trust me, phobias can be funny sometimes

as i was on my way to the bank, i kept feeling unpleasantly agitated. i wondered what was causing it...minutes later, as i was about to ask for full stop (yes! i rode the public utility jeepney along espana, manila), i realized the fact that i will cross the street using the footbridge. i remembered that 'that' scares me a lot...i busied myself fighting the feeling off and thinking about phobias [coz that one definitely is a-'phobia' and i think this is some kind of ACROPHOPIA (fear of heights, physical of course)]. i still am on the process of processing this common phobia and one way i know is to somehow convince myself that one day, this phobia would just be a personal laughing matter to me.

surfing the net, i looked for phobias that is somewhat-basted-with-humor and Joe Cassidy @ http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/10phobia.htm gave me his list (see below). oh well, read on,  for both information and humor purposes ...

THE TOP TEN BEST PHOBIAS TO HAVE :)

10. Aichmophobia: The Fear of Pointed Objects
9. Anglophobia: The Fear of England and its Culture
8. Bogyphobia: The Fear of the Boogeyman

7. Electrogeniphobia: The Fear of urinating during an electrical storm.

6. Soceraphobia: The Fear of Parents-in-Law

5. Arachibutyrophobia: The Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth [ah yeah, that's sometimes sssss-scary]
4. Francophobia: The Fear of the French
3. Rhabdophobia: The Fear of being Beaten with a Stick
2. Politicophobia: The Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians [nyay]
1. Coulrophobia: The Fear of Clowns

THE TOP TEN WORSE PHOBIAS TO HAVE :)
10. Papaphobia: The Fear of the Pope
9. Xylophobia: The Fear of Wooden Objects [huh?]
8. Hellenologophobia: The Fear of Complex Scientific Terms and Greek Terminology [i so have this-amp!]
7. Porphyrophobia: The Fear of the color Purple

6. Gymnophobia: The Fear of Nudity
5. Ostraconophobia: The Fear of Shellfish
4. Stasiphobia: The Fear of Walking
3. Pantiphobia: The Fear of Everything [praning!]
2. Venustraphobia: The Fear of Beautiful Women
1. Eurotophobia: The Fear of Female Genitalia

my my my, what a funny list! but who knows, maybe one of you have one of these (?)... why don't we try work on our own list, i'd share you mine one day...but for now, i'd remember these - be it for word games or just for a laugh (or two).

ok ka lang mama??? [tb070110]

being a temporarily-miles-away mama, we have to content ourselves with calls and exchange of short messages (sms) using a mobile phone (cp)...in 2 years time, i noticed that as my wowa grew older, his smss have become way shorter as well...

lately,he has to bring the cp to school so he can contact his papa during break and dismissal time (to be fetched or to be assured that he would be fetched - he has become somewhat clingy these days).

here's a run-through of his cute - smss:

06/29/10 558pm   : thank you sa cellphone
06/29/10 830pm   : mama ok ka lang
06/29/10 852pm   : ok ka lang mama?
mama thank you talaga dito ha
06/29/10 903pm   : ma bakit hindi maka text
06/30/10 731am   : mama are you there
06/30/10 732am   : haha miss kita mama
06/30/10 815am   : mama ok ka lang
06/30/10 819am   : mama hug ko si lola
06/30/10 1159am : hello mama
06/30/10 1212pm : san ka banda mama
kay noynoy. panoorin ka namin. makita ka
07/01/10 542am  : ma nabigyan mo na ako load
07/01/10 955am  : ok ka lang jan mama
07/02/10 645am  : ok ka lang mama
07/02/10 738am  : mama ok ka lang jan

you noticed something too? hahaha.
ok nga lang ba ako? (am i really okay?)
as long as he will keep on wanting to know
if i am okay then i will be. :)

struggle to snuggle

have just arrived to my workplace. i love being here, especially the thought that there was once... i was away from here for years... from all that's giving me 'comfort from familiarity'... change was never my instant friend...but i learned to manage... and accept that jose mari chan was right- life, indeed, is a constant change :) these recent changes makes me sleep (how's that for a change?)... remembering one dawn in february (25th), 3 years ago...

i slept 2:33am. that's practically friday already. i has a long talk with my boy-man wowa before midnight. he's irked by the fact that he was trying his best to sleep (i told him to do so coz he is still recuperating from flu symptoms) but he failed. when he called he was crying in frustration. i told him to just let it out and stop afterwards.

you see, it's always fun to have long talks with him. topics would range from his feelings of longing and loneliness- to his newly-read jokes- to his school activities and his feelings about his papa. we also sometimes talk about the people in the bible, his techniques in trying to sleep, how to deal with young girls in school, climate change and future business prospects.

i asked him if he wants to hear the german version of 'hail mary' (they usually recite the prayer in school, yes, he is studying in a catholic school). he said yes. i tried singing it the slowest possible way so he'd feel really sleepy, it's almost midnight after all. he stopped me in the middle and said he'd rather hear me talk and that he misses me a lot i should go home. that made me feel sad. and so we have no way to go but to start discussing about my studies (again) and the trade-offs people sometimes do for growth. then the celphone battery signalled to be dying soon :) so we just said goodnight and wished each other luck in our "struggle to snuggle".

as i read my notes while watching late night show, i prayed that he is sound asleep by then. as always, i worry, but worrying won't do me any good i realized. the thought made me sleepy and i slept indeed. woke up 5:33am and have myself ready for my daily research routine. oh well, this is another friday (thanks goodness i woke up again).

oh, so much for remembering... thanks heavens, we seldom sleep apart from each other now :)

my TOP 10 favorite quotes from TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER (a story within the watchmen story, all quoted from the sea captain)

1. How had I reached this appalling position with love, 

only love, as my guide? 

2.  My raft had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation.
Adrift, my darkest imaginings welled up unchecked,
spilling from brain to heart like ink.
Impossible to remove. 

3.  There came an understanding so large, 

it left no room for sanity. 

So I ran. 

The knowledge of my damnation chased me, 

shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. 

4. One of my crew lay ahead. Birds were eating his thoughts and memories. 

5. Whoever we are, wherever we reside, we exist on the whim of murderers. 

6. God has damned me. 

God has damned us all. 

Truly, life is hell, 

and 

death's rough hand her only deliverance.

7. Know this my friends: Hades is wet. Hades is lonely.
And in that instant, we knew each other.

8. I headed east. East, borne on the bodies of murdered men. 

Hope can be a horrible thing.

9.I was a horror; amongst horrors must I dwell...

10. Noble intentions had led me to atrocity. 

The righteous anger fueling my ingenious awful scheme 

was but delusion. 

Where was my error? 

here's why his comments made me shiver - (doh) (tears)

friend lainie (working in singapore) sent me this message few minutes ago with an intro: I had 2nd thoughts forwarding this, but i guess we could still learn something from this. oh well, i must give the same intro to you too. but as i read on, i can feel myself nodding to some of his sentiments (crossed sentences are mine, those are lines which i think are somewhat foul, at least for now)...here:

kir106 on August 25, 2010 at 1:47 pm As a white person married to a filipina and father to two half dutch / filipino children, I feel for Philippines. I have sadness but I also have frustration and anger towards filipino culture (in some cases, filipino behaviour is idiotic)...because I see it in my wife, in my in-laws and her relations.

To most foreigners, we see and understand the bad things in filipino culture (and yet filipinos do not understand nor see the bad in themselves, why because you filipinos think that you are good people because you are catholics or born-agains....let me tell you, there are bad catholics and there are bad born-agains).

This sad story just highlights the idiotic nature of filipino culture and how it impacts on the filipino society. This bad side of the filipino culture was displayed over the world (via cable tv and internet, however we have ABS-CBN so we watched it live). I will try and explain in english and broken tagalog:

Idiot 1: Stupid Filipino Negotiator The filipino negotiator only talked for about 30 minutes then gave up. That is not how you do or practice negotiation skills in hostage situations. In other parts of the world, most negotiators do it for 48 hours. They give the hostagetaker lots of food and water to drink and talk to him all the time. The logic behind this is after 12 hours (of eating and drinking), they need to pee or poo (kailangan wee-wee at tae), so he have to get out of the bus, that's when you need to attack him. Have you tried to talk on the phone when ebs is starting to come out? Its very hard. This is a technique filipino negotiators need to learn. Yes, the hostagetaker was given food...but it should have been more over a 48 hour period. After 48 hours, susuko din ito.

Idiot 2: Stupid Swat Team with a Hammer He was a stupid swat team who was hammering the window with a long and heavy pile driver hammer. After 3 attempts he got tired, he needed to let go of the hammer and give his gun to his partner so he can rest. Well, next time try to work out in the gym, do some weights and jog to get fit. Sobra taba pagod agad.

Idiot 3: Emergency lock out on Hydraulic Doors All tour buses have an emergency lock out for the hydraulic doors. It's located under the bus near the underside of the door. I saw on TV that they were trying to find out where the lock out is...instead the tababoy swat hammered the door, what did it do...nothing, it's still remained close and he got tired some more. In other parts of the world, the tactical response group practice everyday on how to attack or seige a hostage situation, they study all type of vehicles (airplanes, buses, trains, boats etc) and practice how to attack these positions. They study were the entry and exit are, where emergency doors are and how to stop these vehicles (just ask the Israel Tactical response group, they do this every day). Next time, study the layout of the bus first. Filipinos tend not to worry about what may happen, they only act when it is happening.

Idiot 4: Roping the Door Another swat team [member] (the tababoy swat team have to be substituted he got tired) tried to rope the door and pull it using the Isuzu police truck...what happened? The rope ... hellllloooo .....hydraulic doors are designed to stand against a lot of force and pressure. A rope made of abaca won't open it.

Idiot 5: The bystander boy who got shot in the leg A bystander got shot in the leg. Well, what do you expect? The swat team should have quarantined and sanctioned the area. Example: put a ribbon or barracade saying "Crime Scene" just like you see in the movies....or is the PNP too poor to buy one of those. Al bystanders should realise that they are not part of the event and if something happens to them it is their own fault. Buti nga sayo, buhay ka pa !!

Idiot 6: Throwing tear gas into the bus It is idiotic to throw tear gas into a bus when nobody knew how many people were still alive. Of those dead people, I wonder how many died of tear gas suffocation. Of course, PNP will not admit it, they will say that the hostagetaker killed them. I do not trust filipino autopsy. Filipinos tend to fake documents or stories to make them look good (it's called 'saving face'). As far as the PNP is concerned, the hostagetaker killed them and no other investigation is required.

Idiot 7:Firing into the bus This is one of the most serious idiotic actions they did. Firing into the bus also creates ricochet (banda-banda). I wonder how many got killed because of this? Like number 6, PNP will not admit it.

Idiot 8: Swat team entering after the tear gas This idiotic act is the one that made me laugh (and I am sure all tactical response group in the world will be using this as a "don't do" training video because of its 'kenkoy' effect). Two swat teams enter the bus after they put the tear gas...what happened...they have to asked for help from the people outide to get them out because they cant breath...why...because they forgot the gas mask. Next time do an inventory of equipment you need in case of emergency.

Idiot 9: The treatment of the brother and family of the hostagetaker It was seen on TV that the wife, daughter and brother of the hostagetaker were treated poorly. Nobody helped them, not even the media. No person tried to help the family. In most society, a group of people will form a circle around the family to help them...nobody did that for them. Where is the people power...Philippines have done it before, why didn't they do it then? No one offered help to the wife and the pregnant daughter, they saw their father killed in front of them. That is no way to treat people....for a country who claims to be 'mapagmahal', catholic and christian that was an utter embarrassment.

Idiot 10: Corrupt police The hostagetaker wanted to clear his name because he was charged with corruption. Corruption...in the Phillippines....that's news to me (sarcastic)!!! One policeman charged with corruption is not going to make a difference. Catching small corruption is not going to make a difference....the real corruption happens at the top of filipino government (ie Marcos, Erap, Arroyo).Us foreigners laugh at filipino stupidity because you do not learn, you get rid of Marcos because he was bad and corrupt, but still vote for Imelda and her children to become congressman and governor, give them a second chance to be corrupt again......so, nothing changed. That's Corruption....and 'katangahan ng pilipino'. In other countries, police treat one another like brothers and help them when they need it. It did not happen here.

Idiot 11: Media and dead people This is the most idiotic and unacceptable behaviour that was displayed to the world. Filipino media is to be blamed for this. Respect and sensitivity should have been excersised by the media. They showed (in close up), the dead body of the hostagetaker hanging from the door with blood and brains dripping from the head, the dead body of a child and other dead bodies with blood being taken out of the bus. This should not have been televised. The relatives of the dead will not want it televised but the filipino media did. This is not good. Respect for the dead should have been observed.

Idiot 12: Laughing Sniper The sniper was interviewed by the media and he seemed to be happy and laughing when he told the reporter how he shot the hostagetaker in the head and that he was proud he killed him. The wife, daughter and father of the hostagetaker (watching from their province) will obviously will not want another person to hear how proud they were when he shot their husband / father. I hope that the sniper have a son, father, brother and I hope one day someone will shoot them infront of him and I want to know how he feels then.

CONCLUSION: This will only give filipinos a bad name overseas. It will also affect filipinos who are born overseas, eventhough they have nothing to do with this, they will be judged of what filipinos in Philippines did. For filipinos trying to get a visa to Canada, USA, UK, Europe etc...forget it...you will be judged by their immigration office for this kind of event. They already know that most filipinos are likely to be TNT and this backlash will make it even harder for filipinos to get visa.

Ganti [revenge] on DH - I am sure, that Hong Kong / China will go on a massive revenge on filipina DH in hong kong. I am sure of it. HK and Chinese only see filipinas as lowly people who's only role is to clean houses. PS: chinese people don't know that Europeans look at them as lowly immigrants who clean toilets in europe....ganti din.

Ganti on japayuki -Also, Japanese people will take revenge on japayukis in Japan. Japanese people already treat filipinas like dirt and they will even treat them even worse because of this. Japanese people to not take filipinos in high regard...japanese only see filipinos as dirt people who will do anything just to get money (ie be japayuki in japan).

Ganti on OFW in Saudi -I'm sure too, that OFW in Saudi will also feel the revenge of people there because of this. I am sure that my children will be teased and bullied at school because of this. My children, regardless of being half-white are still brown in colour, with black hair (but with blue eyes) and people know they are half-filipinos. So filipinos in Philippines, your stupidity in your country is also 'hawa-hawa' to other filipinos overseas...they get judged by what you filipinos in Philippines do to yourselves or to others. Internet order filipina brides will always get foreign husbands, unfortunately for filipino lalaki, there is no such thing as internet order filipino husbands (I never seen white woman with filipino husband), as more filipina marry foreigner more filipino lalaki are left behind in philippines (my wife said she does not like filipino lalaki because they are 'tanga'.....I know she married me for money and greencard so she can send dollars to her batugan parents and batugan brothers, batugan cousins and batugan kapitbahay)....so, the only hope for Philippines is for half-foreigner and half-filipino children, half is better than stupid full-blood filipino.

-end of email (enough said muna)-

wishing he'd say goodbye to swimming... (at least for now)

it seems like just yesterday when i was home for a vacation and is lazily accompanying my boyman wowa to his swimming training. there's this 7-foot pool for pros and reserved for members of the torpedo club (gensan) and advanced swimmers that we go to almost every day. it took wowa several months to advance (others said he advanced faster than usual) and by merely watching him, you can tell he is loving the sport. his papa even spent quite a lot (membership and coaching fee, swim wear, goggles, fins, kickboard among others) of hard-earned money to support this almost-daily routine.

when i went back to manila, i was informed by wowa's doctor (bless doc sheena for being ever-so-caring) that she just checked on wowa who has been complaining of pain in the ear and that she found out that wowa had a case of ear infection. i was worried 'coz she also said she gave him antibiotics (he had just finished his round of meds for severe cough). she explained i need not worry 'coz the stronger antibiotics will do the job. in three days at most, pain will be gone but the antibiotics will be taken for a week plus a strict instruction : no swimming yet.

that was a sad news for both the father and the son. they have been trying to fix their skeds to squeeze in the beloved routine, and my my my if you could see those kids swimming, you would really feel proud and envious of their skills. they're learning discipline, they're breathing well - less asthma attacks, they're meeting new friends and they're having fun! but i myself, knowing ear infections and a worrier, had it in me (to wish)for them to say goodbye to swimming for good. ouch! was i that cruel? i guess not.

the alternative? biking! the first bike he had was when he was about three years old, and when he had to have a couple of stitches on the forehead after a minor accident, i wished then that he'd stop biking... now i'm wishing he'd return to biking (he had been saving for it, only needs few more hundreds to buy a good bike) and stop swimming. i'm one confused mama!!!

now, he has a new bike (haven't seen it yet) - his papa filled in the lacking-hundreds and bought it as a birthday gift (he turned 8, whew!).  i heard he has been biking ... few minutes in the morning  and an hour or two at sundown. both he (wowa) and his papa (jovit) doesn't say anything about going back to swimming lately--- maybe they were too sad to bring it up or... (fingerscrossed) perhaps they're weighing it against biking. ahhm lemme help, (if recreational swimming won't do 'coz it's always exciting to dive and swim real fast- haay) ---with proper protective gears, biking is a good exercise...less expensive too! now there goes my vote for now. oh, if only he would not dare go too far..haaaayyy :)

this is why i changed status from'married' to 'engaged'

i have been staring at this page for an hour now.
still nothing good came out...
i'm not sure if i'm having a block or
i always am just lost for words whenever i intend
to write something about the hubby.

it started from thinking about father's day
and the fact that he deserved a tribute- but i'm lost for words.
for now i couldn't say, or write anything, aside from
he is the most normal person i have ever met.
nyay! that wouldn't be a good tribute.

i'm saving this page
so i can edit when i'm more ready
or more willing to share to the world
or if i'd have the power
to convert more than a million words to
one short blog entry. yes, he is that much!
and much much more...

but here's a peek:
once last month i asked him if he wanted to
renew our marriage contract
should it expire on the 10th year
(that would be 2011)-
he said he will if i wanted to.
that was irritatingly sweet.
as if he is back to courting
me like years ago...
so now, i'm engaged to him, again.

33 is just a number

22nd of march, i turned 33, oh well, earth years. i, as usual received lots of greetings (not lots of gifts though: the number of gifts received is inversely proportional to the age of the celebrator). even as i managed to feel well and do some little celebrations, it was nothing compared to the stresses i had. thanks to the finals exams, exit papers and the ever-dreaded (so far) comprehensive exams.

it's been 4 days since then, and only now have the birthday material sank in my thoughts (it's funny how it managed to squeeze in during times of fever and wishing-you-were-numb-moments). i have turned 33, i always feel 13, now i feel 53. it's been 2 years since i decided to pursue a postgrad that's somewhat far from what i intend to www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-life-so-far.html . it's been a year since a crying-almost-angry-young lady called and asked me to halt the curse to her father (turned out that this year, she's the sweetest greeter ever) www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2009/03/birthday-blast-indeed.html .

what is in store for this year? i have been feeling pains in some parts of my body which the paranoid in me might insist as a sign of cancer or tumor or 'dying soon' disease. i have been hearing the same thing happening to some people who are close to me. apparently, my mind-disease is contagious (that's the punchline, laugh now). i have found "one true friend" and several good others; them, just enough to keep my sanity on hold. my boyman and manboy are managing well without me, so they say and sadly make me feel at times.

okay, this is the time when i have to battle with my inner demons and finish what i have started. it's a long long walk. i'd run if i have to. but for now, i need some peace. may i rest in peace?

at a loss

it's been 3 weeks. still i can't build my ideas/framework/path to my exit paper. what's happening? i'm at a loss. inspiration, where are you? spark of genius, where are you? adrenaline rush, where are you?...ohm ohm ohm. i tell you, this will be a nonsensical entry. i have to let this out or else this will poison whatever sanity i have inside. four more papers for the various courses i foolishly took this semester. one major project for the german class. one overly-fundamental written exam for a core subject...and review review review for the five comprehensive exams to be taken at exactly the same date as my 33rd birth anniversary. those and the framework of my exit paper (they love to call it dissertation) ---> the cross-eyed bear. waaaahhhh!!! my escape? funny thoughts while supply lasts... see pictures. but yes, i must wake up and do start producing before it's too late. kill me- kill me quick!

trust issues

i came across lately of several people who are having issues on trust and trusting (and/or whether or not he/she can be trusted). it is a pity that this once beautiful world is now so filled with worries and distrust. it may have cropped up from bad experiences hence, lessons well-learned or better yet written as : lessons learned the hard way.

trust is a concept; a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. once you loose trust, once trust is lost, it changes perception easily. it changes confidence, even character. it is a sad feeling when someone doesn't trust you, but it is an equally sad feeling when you can not put yourself to trust anyone. tsk tsk tsk. such lessons, such hard lessons.