Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Saturday, October 7, 2023

i am tired! give me rest! [re-entry 2011]

as it was, this heart should be broken
as it goes, it has played all the mendin'
as it is, broken pieces no offendin'
as the heart, all its pride a-stolen

"should" shall i use, of no use
"should" shall i say, i to choose

the heart he had chose have been cruel
the heart she had chose is no-duel
the hearts they had hurt is a fuel
to the fire in both hearts...

whose heart was it again?
whose heart is the villain?

this heart should have had its rest
this heart have had all hell's best
whatabout, i say, the unfinished test?
i am tired, i am tired, give me rest!

Friday, August 26, 2022

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,
i know you knew from the start
that i didn't love you.
i know you knew that i was just forced
to deal with you, to try to love you,
to try to make you love me too.
i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so
but just the same i tried.
in fact, i tried and gave my best effort
so sooner or later you'd give me back
what i deserve.
i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.
and the more i do so, the more i hate myself
for making this decision.
and since i have already started, i have to at least
try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -
post grad if you must!
as much as i can, i'd deal with you...
i'd try love you and
i'd try to make you love me too.
but do know that as of this moment-
i want you dead!
yes, i want you dead but i know
that isn't possible.
i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.
i'd just content myself with letting you know
these ---
i don't love you.
i don't want you.
i don't need you.
aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

Saturday, April 28, 2018

RX for pain -MJ songs [tb041810]

like a comet blazin across the evening sky, gone too soon...
bestfriend matet sure knows how to break a heart when singing this MJ song. she also knows how to psychologically torture a friend in doing so...she is as calm as an ocean, but as deep too. she hangs on to MJ's song lyrics when she can't seem find the right words. we always say ---oh, (insert an MJ song here), that's your RX for your pain today.

matet (maria theresa) is the 3rd portion of the tres marias of MSU high school in the early 90's, i being the 1st (alfie maria) and kulot being the 2nd (mary anne). we have our own world. yes! apart from the rest of the class, from the rest of the school...sadness has been close as my next of kin, then happy came one day, chase my blues away...we lazy our days away by strumming guitar or just singing.

there were even days when we call a local TV station (showing old MTVs) alternately and request MJs songs the entire day. remembering was fun. singing then is great. but now we're apart (physically, that is). kulot is in gensan, busy trying to make ends meet. i am in manila busy trying to sort my priorities in life. matet is busy, chatting with MJ, i suppose (she died of liver cancer, yes, she too was gone. too soon.). we we're good students but most of all, we lived then-doing what we loved, loving what we do.

but with the songs and the memories, somehow it's enough... with a friend to call my own, i'd never be alone...it's when we were young and carefree and we lock the classroom door and dance 'dangerous' or 'beat it' as we laugh oh so loudly with our moves or those times when we choose a secluded spot in the campus and try to mimic MJ and paul mccartney in 'this girl is mine'...that damn gone girl is mine' ...matet left, our friend (we know he felt it from afar) MJ left too. but once in a while we gather in spirit, have our RX and go through the day renewed...we stopped existing and we started living...

you know what's making me feel sad now? it's kenny wizz- MJs impersonator from vegas. he will be visiting my hometown come may 2  and perform in memory of his hero (forever michael). if i was only near kulot and matet was only around, we will be the first to get our tickets and storm our way to lagao gym...i can see us laughing, dancing, singing and chatting our way as if we are the only people in the world. but then again, it wouldn't be possible. maybe, just maybe, there will be new 'tres marias' on that night...and like us, they will also get to see (or hear) our RX for pain - MJ songs.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

august longing...

i waited for you dear, where are you now?
i long for your touch, kiss, smile
are they still there...meant just for me?

was i wrong to long for you too much?
was i wrong to control myself when
it is what you wanted me to do
was i wrong to hide, to not to see you?

i wanted to and it is slowly killing me 
and you feared for me to realize...
your love..our love is the killing kind

i prayed for rain to wash my tears away
i prayed for rain to wash my fears away
i prayed for rain to wash me
the whole of me...away

yet the rain have decided not to fall
rain a-hiding me from, miser
too tired to wash other system's pain

i waited for you dear, where are you now?
i'm still longing...for your mere presence
are you still there? be still...be still
let the tears and fears drown me...

let your love...our love kill me.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

buried alive

i saw them
...clearly
they didn't notice me
my pleading eyes
or they didn't want to
...even to touch me

i heard them
...clearly
they didn't hear me
my silent cry
or they didn't want to
...even to touch me

no eyes, no sound eyes
no ears, no sound ears
but i saw them
but i heard them
...clearly

my friends - the others
they're once used and abused
wrecked, wrecked, wrecked
i saw and heard and felt
...clearly

they're gone, gone now
like a sinking ship
abandoned by the crew
gone, gone, gone
...forever

but i - am here
silent and pleading
waiting for someone
to look at, to see me
...even to touch me

touch and open and read my mind
touch and open and know my soul
touch and open and see the world
you'll get to understand them
...clearly

only if you notice - my pleading eyes
only if you hear - my silent cry
only if you open - my dusted door
only if you want me
...even to touch me.