when i was about 8 months

when i was about 8 months, my father wrote a poem, i didn't know about this ---'til now when my sister explained the poem that i saw in her blog...the first time i read it i felt the creeps- it is as if i have read the poem somewhere. i even wondered; was it my poem??? was it ave's??? i tried to look for answers but didn't see one...so after a couple of days i asked her, she said it was my father's. ha????? for many years i tried to look for even bits of his writings, couldn't find any. i only knew of one title RIGOR MORTIS which was just blurted out by my nanay...theirs is a confusing love affair - a beautiful chaos i would say. didn't know him much...circumstances forced me not to love him much, but one part of me would somehow look for answers...

i started writing since 1988 (was it 1988 when he was brutally killed??? yes) but as to where i got the talent, i am ambivalent---i have no evidences, i have no clues...until now... here--- (thanks sis, for trying to preserve this treasure).

EPILOGUE Here I am now. A man with life uncertain and insecure. Fighting all odds of political existence. I walk with DIFFERENT SHADOWS! And I must learn to live with them. In this world, there are those who are oppressed. And there are those who are persecuted because of their outlook - towards our social structure... towards the "SYSTEM" But as to whether they can endure or resist is a matter of how unrelenting their principles are - or how strong their convictions are. After the SHADOWS... What? They will never stop shadowing - till they get me. I'll be living soon in darkness. Behind BARS perhaps. Or inside a cold coffin. But all threats - all intrigues could not cow us. As long as we are still free to move - WE WILL MOVE. As long as we still have life - WE WILL HOPE. Yes, we still hope for a new day's dawn. The dawn of our freedom. FREE from dictatorial rule. The dawn of justice. FREE from all brutalities. My fate? I do not know what awaits me. I only know I must be brave. avr/11/03/77

trust me, phobias can be funny sometimes

as i was on my way to the bank, i kept feeling unpleasantly agitated. i wondered what was causing it...minutes later, as i was about to ask for full stop (yes! i rode the public utility jeepney along espana, manila), i realized the fact that i will cross the street using the footbridge. i remembered that 'that' scares me a lot...i busied myself fighting the feeling off and thinking about phobias [coz that one definitely is a-'phobia' and i think this is some kind of ACROPHOPIA (fear of heights, physical of course)]. i still am on the process of processing this common phobia and one way i know is to somehow convince myself that one day, this phobia would just be a personal laughing matter to me.

surfing the net, i looked for phobias that is somewhat-basted-with-humor and Joe Cassidy @ http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/10phobia.htm gave me his list (see below). oh well, read on,  for both information and humor purposes ...

THE TOP TEN BEST PHOBIAS TO HAVE :)

10. Aichmophobia: The Fear of Pointed Objects
9. Anglophobia: The Fear of England and its Culture
8. Bogyphobia: The Fear of the Boogeyman

7. Electrogeniphobia: The Fear of urinating during an electrical storm.

6. Soceraphobia: The Fear of Parents-in-Law

5. Arachibutyrophobia: The Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth [ah yeah, that's sometimes sssss-scary]
4. Francophobia: The Fear of the French
3. Rhabdophobia: The Fear of being Beaten with a Stick
2. Politicophobia: The Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians [nyay]
1. Coulrophobia: The Fear of Clowns

THE TOP TEN WORSE PHOBIAS TO HAVE :)
10. Papaphobia: The Fear of the Pope
9. Xylophobia: The Fear of Wooden Objects [huh?]
8. Hellenologophobia: The Fear of Complex Scientific Terms and Greek Terminology [i so have this-amp!]
7. Porphyrophobia: The Fear of the color Purple

6. Gymnophobia: The Fear of Nudity
5. Ostraconophobia: The Fear of Shellfish
4. Stasiphobia: The Fear of Walking
3. Pantiphobia: The Fear of Everything [praning!]
2. Venustraphobia: The Fear of Beautiful Women
1. Eurotophobia: The Fear of Female Genitalia

my my my, what a funny list! but who knows, maybe one of you have one of these (?)... why don't we try work on our own list, i'd share you mine one day...but for now, i'd remember these - be it for word games or just for a laugh (or two).

life rings... and all. on to the new year

 I have come to terms with my LIFE RING just recently, following the death of my mother. I reviewed and realized there are changes that I have to make and some rethinking of how things are done...

1st - MY HEALTH ... Mom died of ovarian cancer and we only knew it recently following what we thought was just anemia. I know I have to be very careful and have to keep myself healthy now in order for me to achieve whatever plans and goals I still have left.

2nd - MY FAMILY ... I have a very small family and as I keep myself healthy I have to keep them that way too. This will happen by providing them with enough vitamins and needed vaccines and remind them to do their exercises at least 3x a week. I also have to follow up on their mental health by providing time for some chitchat over snack or meal, or during family day trips.

3rd - MY EXTENDED FAMILY... When we were battling my mom's condition for 560 days in the hospital I had the chance to talk with my siblings. It was then that I realized they're having hard time making ends meet. I am not rich but I think I can provide for some of their needs especially now that my mother is not around anymore and that they are trying to build their family, having newborns. It is my goal to provide them too with vitamins and supplements and ask them every now and then what I can do to help. The creation of a group chat exclusively for siblings make it easier for us to connect and support each other.

4th - MY CAREER... As I thought of early retiring, I would like to explore more on other opportunities (academe, research, consultancy) to earn so I could finance whatever travel/trips I have in my mind for my family and extended family. I also would need such if I am to support my brother in finishing college even if he has a family now.

5th - THE COMMUNITY ... I am a member of a group (KaEskwela) that supports public school kids. I intend to continue doing so. My advocacy in supporting local businesses and Filipino farmers is also ongoing. With this is my support too for calling for GOOD GOVERNANCE, hence wise voting for next years national elections.

6th - CONTINUOUS EDUCATION ... I should not stop learning, hence this MOOC. I have yet to read a lot of books and hopefully self-publish a book of poems and flash fiction.

7th - HOBBIES AND SELF-CARE... I always seem to forget about myself, so even if it is the last on this ring, I intend to also give focus on it. I plan to get a body massage once in a while or buy myself some cream for my hair and body for pampering. Maybe I can go on solo trips too :) 

my failure resume

 1.

Graduated as a scholar of

Business School in college

but never got to have a successful business.

SUCCESS: I still was able to land a good job,

with relatively good pay.

2.
Good grades in school but bad in actual experience

esp. in Credit and Collection.

SUCCESS: I don't have lots of problems

paying off bills.

3.
Did not take Accounting subjects seriously,

not liking them until now.

SUCCESS: I am good at other things.

I have friends I can count on in terms of this.

4.
Took masters in Economics

but not liking Econometrics and others.

SUCCESS: Realized I can still be good

even without this.

5.
Took Ph.D. in Economics

but only produced few papers.

SUCCESS: I was able to publish one and present 3.

Relatively, that's enough for now.

january 18th. fight goes on

 

There were times we get tired and moments our own light goes out but we know we have to keep fighting as we see our Nanay Fely does, still. You know what rekindles that hope, that light? It is rekindled by a spark from all of you... our dear friends, relatives, workmates and 

other kind souls from the past. 

As of today, we are given another day (as we consider each day a miracle). Nanay is re-learning how to eat and sip, she still doesn't talk but she moves her hands and nods her head as she recognizes people, she even tries to ask how we are... She's undergoing dialysis every other day and still on close monitoring. We keep hoping she'd get a bit better for surgery and/or go home... 

Each episode causes us (I and my siblings) to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. DAGHANG SALAMAT GAYUD for all your help, your prayers, your kind words...

We really appreciate them. ***mahigpit na yakap po*** Thank you. God bless you. 

#LabanLang #LordHealOurNanay #Gratitude

boogeyman out

here's something you dont know about her. and it pains me 'coz i have this feeling that you got to know this but you just dont want to for many reasons i can think of. this will be just first of the many. i have promised myself id write everything i remember here so one day youd be able to read and one day you'd know and hope that one day won't be the day the she's gone...

YOU WERE NOT  EXPECTED BUT YOU WERE LOVED BY HER...EVEN NOW. i know so. you were conceived during those times that her relationship with him is on the rocks. you may look up to him as someone good, well-respected, and unfairly-judged by some. the truth? he didnt work and provided for the family coz he believed having his family name, track record and relative riches is enough so he just let her work her ass out coz her pride couldnt take begging from his family all the time. but yes, he was there.

he was there as a symbol. he decides. he was the man of the house. i was even proud having him- so tall, so big, so loud. he forced her to borrow a very huge sum of money from the bank where she works and invest it on something that didnt work so he decided to move us out of the place and bring us to unfamiliar grounds and try to live there. you were in her belly then. when her belly grew big, i began to wonder why i didnt see her throw-up then on second thought i said to myself, what will she throw up when we barely have anything to eat? but she fought for you. she ate what little food i and marion have left to nourish you inside. she touches you in her belly every night. i know coz i see her (most of the time she thought i was asleep) looking at the stars and tears flowing in her cheeks. i always look at her and check on her and marion if they are still breathing. i kept on praying for them to be awake the next day. it was my biggest fear then, i was 5 and i am haunted by the thought that id be left alone...

and you were born, i was crying. i was worried. marion was trying to calm herself by playing. i was at the stairs wondering if she's ever gonna live after giving birth to you. she was weak and pale. i was wondering if you would look okay if you have fought for your life inside her in those months of hunger and pain. then someone told me he heard you cry. i thanked god you were alive. but that someone also told me she isnt moving. my heart beat so fast, what will i do? i was just 5. how can i ever take care of you and marion if she dies? i decided to make some plans. a. go to the nuns and ask for help, have them adopt us. b. beg the landlady (an old maid) to adopt us while i clean her house and help her in sewing or laundry in return. c. find ways to contact grandpa and ask them to think of whats best for us. funny, that time, i didnt think of him (our father). perhaps i knew then that he never really was there even as he was. back then i surrendered to the thought that id grow without a father and that it is okay.

we sold all we had just to buy milk for you and food for us. she did laundry for others again as she was waiting for her wounds to heal. she believes god has plans and that we would all be okay if she finds a good job. she was promised by a certain company that she would be hired as soon as shes fit for work...days after he arrived, he took you away. she was crying, she didnt want to. she was able to start working but on weekends we would look for you. we would ride a bus, the three of us and look for you. after several attempts we saw you and we took you back. you were a beautiful baby. i love seeing you in her arms. marion and i would play with you. you had a strange giggle.you were our baby...

after a few months, i was at school, he came again. he took you away from us (again). that time, there was no crying from her, there were angry voices. and then we did the usual round (of looking for you). you were walking by then, and when we found you, you were thin and your legs were full of insect bites. i was crying. i told her we wont go unless we have you with us. the lady wouldn't give you unless we give her something. she gave everything she had in her bag to the lady...and so we had you again.

when i was in grade 2, our aunt came for a vacation, she said shed borrow you. i said yes and i made her promise to bring you back soonest but i didnt expect that she wouldnt tell her about it and just take you away. i was reprimanded by her. i was crying and i was so guilty. for many months i hated myself for allowing them to take you away from us again...days and months have passed you didnt return. we stopped our usual route in looking for you. i asked her why can't we take you back. she said a bus ride would not be enough anymore...then i realized you were taken so far far away.

living without you isnt easy. your dress are still in my box then and all those fancy jewelries i make you wear when we play-pretend you are a princess. i was so used to giving you bath, feeding you, combing your hair and playing with you all the time. we missed you so. sometimes we miss you so much we just cry. all three of us. day in day out, month in month out year in year out i still see her crying and looking at the stars but this time you are not in her womb anymore, you were somewhere far... those nights i look at her, i also pray to god that you are taken care of, that you are happy, that you are not crying...all i can do is hope, pray and wish that one day youd be back in her arms ...back in our arms again...

note to self: ACCEPT

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything, there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.