soul-cleaning

at times, this gets to be so tiring...
the loving, the living, the learning, the tolerating or understanding...
the daily route of a seemingly one way street
and blindly hoping there's a road, or even just a path
that leads some moving summer breeze back to me...
then the dishes called for cleaning.
i, for the first time for over several months,
replied with some urgency, to remove all debris,
to seek answers to confusion, to get some relief...
but the soap turned out to be of no match, at a disadvantage
for the cold cold stains. i should have made suds and
allow the stains to leave the dishes on its own.
cleaning, on some occasion requires time
and willingness of the party to be cleaned.
now, it all came back:
the reason for letting things be,
for not moving even if you're itching to run,
for staying silent when all you wanted to do is to scream.
perhaps, the same reason of a quick mind in a quick sand.
then all at once, you make yourself believe
that every feeling of weariness is your own making ...
that you are always free to change your path, your future,
perhaps even your past. then in that very moment,
your inner voice will whisper: let it be.

choose. choices. choice.

There were many times that my father was ‘absentee’ because of his work, 
and then he was ‘deceased’ and it somehow didn’t matter to me anymore. 
I knew that as the eldest, I have to be my mother’s assistant, 
even a partner in taking care of my siblings and 
make sure our house is a home- 
be it an extension of someone’s garage, a shanty by the ‘riles’ or 
a room of a house of a relative. There were happy times, yes. 
And we are truly a family, my mother and I made sure of that. 
Despite the hardships, we excelled in school. 
We were popular because we didn’t allow others to look down on us 
and we proved that we didn’t have to be rich to be so. 

As a family, we were a strange band of characters-- in the 80’s, 
my mother and the three of us, in the 90’s ‘minus’ my sister 
who died of leukaemia and another sister 
who  was away from us for 10 years 
but then it’s also ‘plus’ a new sister and two brothers 
from my mother’s second marriage. We went through life 
sharing a lot- ideas, 
school supplies, socks, toothpaste (even bath towels at times), 
coveting one another's desserts, borrowing money, 
reading each other’s diaries, 
inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, 
loving, laughing, defending, 
and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together… 
and that common thread is my mother or the love for her. 

Family (of origin) shaped my life in one way or another- who I am now 
(and I have my own family), how I act, and how I keep my values, 
and especially how I formed my identity. I have to form my own identity 
besides the pre-wired identity that my family built because I realized that 
I cannot depend on that 
(there were times I do not know what I want to be, 
but I am quite sure of what I don’t want to be so I take it from there). 

I remember five years ago, a girl called and told me that her dying father 
is my father too, and that I have to give my forgiveness 
so that he would die in peace. 
Fast forward, no one knows exactly (yet) if this was true 
but I was (and still am) glad to have another family added on my list. 
Here, I was exposed to stories of how ‘this father’ was and 
how I came to observe 
that we share a lot of commonalities and 
this made me wish I have met them 
(he and his family) before he died. Given that, my choices 
and priorities now however 
are based on what I wanted my own family to be – 
less complicated, intact and 
ever-present for each other. This wouldn’t be difficult (I hope) 
because we’re a family of just three. 

But then I asked myself once again: 
would I be this strong-willed, patient, and passionate and 
beautifully disturbed enough to try to help the least-favoured 
if we haven’t gone 
through all those life’s struggles and complexities? 
That is a question I wouldn’t risk answering by application now.

10 commandments (for wives only)

oh here it is. with just few hours of my dear friends reading the 10 commandments for husbands, they couldn't wait to see the 'for wives' version. i wondered for a while why. and the thought gave me the cute kind of creeps...

[sakura's thought: husband and wife having a cold war, [meaning-no talking, only the usual piercing looks then] suddenly the wife raises her fingers to a specific number, referring to the commandment, and the husband retracts by raising his fingers to a specific number too, in her face... oh well, if this is the case, they might end up still not talking but giving each other 'cozies'. yes, i love happy endings!]


10 COMMANDMENTS FOR WIVES
(i didn't include the one-line ticklers here 'coz the commandment says it all. girlfriends, you don't need further discussions right?)

1. be proud you're a woman (thou shalt honor thy own womanhood that thy days may be long in the house which thy husbands provide for thee).

2. live on your budget (thou shalt not expect thy husband to give thee as many things as thy father hath given thee after many years of hardwork and economies).

3. keep a sense of humor in your marriage (thou shalt not forget the virtue of good humor, for verily, all that a man hath will he give for a woman's smile).

4. don't nag! (thou shalt not nag!)). - yes dears, it came with an exclamation point

5. pamper your husband (thou shalt please thy husband for verily, every man loveth to be fussedover).

6. keep hubby first! (remember that the frank approval of thy husband is worth more to thee than the sidelong glances of many strangers).

7. keep yourself attractive (thou shalt not forget the grace of cleanliness and neat dress). - oh yeah, 'coz we spent much time in making ourselves so attractive to them so many years ago...

8. keep faith with your husband (thou shalt not permit anyone to assure thee that thou art having a hard time of it). - me violating my non-quoting of any-one-line rule: don't allow yourself the indulgence of dwelling on the faults or failures of your mate...

9. make your house a home (thou shalt keep thy home with all diligence, for out of it cometh the joys of old age).

10. trust in the lord (thou shalt commit thy ways unto the lord thy god, and the children shall rise up and call thee blessed).

10 commandments (for husbands only)

yes, i did that on purpose. i intend to just enumerate here the 10 commandments for husbands as given by dr. harold sala (founder &president of guidelines international inc.- an international christian ministry) in his book 'ten commandments for husbands and wives' (omf literature)... it is because i noticed that in most bookstores, guidelines are mostly given to the female group (how to preserve a husband was even printed in a poster form). 

perhaps it's because the female group are also the reading-group hence, authors/printers see better feasibility if such were the target. hmmm...anyways, husbands (and wives- print this for whatever purpose it may serve) ---here they are (with one-liners from each of the brief discussion) :

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR HUSBANDS

1. keep your priorities straight (thou shalt make the building of thy home thy first business) - your responsibility to your family shouldn't be in conflict with the obligation to your employer.
2. meet your wife's needs (thou shalt remember that thy wife hath need of more than food, clothing and shelter) - the need for companionship, the need for communication, the need for a friend.
3. don't take your wife for granted (thou shalt not take thy wife for granted) -[yes, that was repeated in the book that way. for emphasis, i guess.]
4. make your wife a partner (thou shalt not think thy business is none of thy wife's business) - you're in a partnership called marriage.
5. don't squeeze the purse (thou shalt not deal grudgingly with thy wife) - you shall not ask an accounting of every coin unless you make a similar accounting to her.
6. lead the way in discipline (thou shalt cooperate with thy wife in establishing family discipline) - don't you leave the disciplining to your wife, and don't you dare to fail in backing her up...
7. eat it and love it (thou shalt not complain about thy wife's cooking for it will be as discord in thy household harmony) - [oh well, enough said here...go on cooking girl!].
8. leave your gloom at work (thou shalt enter into thy house with cheerfulness) - remember that your wife thought she married a man, not a bear.
9. hang together (thou shalt not let anyone criticize thy wife to thy face and get away with it - neither thy mother, nor thy father nor thy breathren, nor thy sisters nor any others that are relatives) - [ i could just imagine the wive's reaction here...i say, whew!]
10. lead the way spiritually (remember thy home and keep it holy) - assume the spiritual responsibility for their (the family) souls. no one else can do that for you.

throwback 2010: letters are always heart-warming

here are some of the touching words i got from my friends after the first phase of my "grilling process"---i feel so blessed...

-much love to you afing!!

-Wow. That's a tough day. I'm impressed, though. It seems you handled it very well. If you need help, let me know.

-Oh sweetie...thanks for sharing...You must be under so much stress and it was catching up with you on Sunday! I get like that...usually getting sick after I have been in a very difficult situation or under a lot of stress.I hope it get's a bit better for you now.

-I want badly to just hug and comfort you...I'm here for you......I love you.

-Hooooray for keeping your composure through the grilling process...You have hurdled so many trials in your life that this is just another piece to it. You can do it. You have proven yourself so much. The road ahead may seem to still be hard and just do what you have always done, take one day at a time. Pray, plan and then make action. Whatever happens, you have come so far already. You have achieved so much and sometimes those achievements doesn't manifest in the way that we thought it would be but try looking from a different perspective and then you will realize that in so many ways, you have achieve success in your life.

-Your story and feelings are reminiscent of what I experienced and felt over those years after my proposal presentation. Just like you, I started my ambitious project with high hopes that I would finish it soon. But time and experience taught me a lot of lessons...with the right amount of motivation and inspiration, the process would make you a better person! It would be a humbling experience!

-I wish you could make it. You could make it by March 2011. I am still struggling with my paper also. But I know God is good. He will always help us when we ask Him.

these words, those letters they sent in the past...though most of them just don't realize it, kept me going (through the years). god bless my friends. i love them all.

three rooms in three years (2010 memories)

since i decided to pursue my postgrad in 2008 in the north part of the country (the national capital region), i have lived in three different rooms... all i wanted was a space, good enough for me to be able to do my reading, my thinking, my laundry and ocassional cooking...and yes, some space for once-in-a-while-sleeping (read: i sleep once-in-a-while, but i stay there all-the-time).

first was chosen by an old flame who went all the way from his place in cavite to manila area to find me a room/bedspace conducive enough for my needs yet affordable enough for my budget (the scholarship fund isn't enough you bet). he found a beautiful 3-floor townhouse accepting lady bedspacers for 2000 php each (US$1=45 php). there may be four or six in a well-ventilated, semi-furnished room with one toilet and bath on each. it's a great deal save for-- you have to pay extra for each electronic or electrical gadget you might use and contribution for the gas if you'd be cooking/using the kitchen. lived there for more than a semester til i have to look for another place coz the residents have become too comfy for comfort.

in situations such as that, you have to practice maximum tolerance, especially you are dealing with about twelve people (most in their 20s-some generation gap huh) in just one roof. some may borrow your personal stuff without permission (or belatedly); some may wonder about you and presume things about you (your schedule and way of doing things such as your-wanting-all-your-books-near-you-in-your-bed) without even caring to ask you upfront (honestly, why should they even care as long as you are not using up their space/time); and some may bring in their friends (though friends of the opposite sex aren't allowed to enter bedrooms) playing cards, laughing , giggling and shouting til the wee hours of the morning. the place was beautiful but that (the noise and nighttime gaming events, including the possible SH-invits sssh sssh) went on until you feel like you have to find a new place.

second was a room in a three-bedroom flat near the university. it's an old old building with about 20 units for rent. all i needed was a bedspace (and that time, two other girls from the previous place decided to transfer with me). we have found a room for 4500 php. it's small and dusty. it's bare and the wall paint (one side on cement, one side on wood) is obviously more than a decade old. the provision for kitchen, toilet and bath is shared with residents of  two other rooms. maybe it's the no-curfew, no landlady-in-the-house situation that made us decide to get the room. maybe it's the fact that it's a ride away from the nearest mall, or a walk-away from the university, the hospital and the church or maybe, just maybe it is all we can afford--that would be 1500 php for each of us. cleaning up, putting life-sized landscape posters, we managed to make the room as homey (best-effort) as it can be. lived there for about a year with only some issues not that difficult to handle or disregard.

now that the roommates have left (one graduated from college, the other decided not to take the board exams after failing, hence deciding to work somewhere and somewhat unrelated to her course), i couldn't afford the rent for the entire room. so i transferred to a smaller (smallest!) room - the third, say about two meters long and one meter wide (?).  i have to haggle with the landlord to have me pay 2500 php instead of his initial offer of 3000 php, so he gave in (500 php is about two weeks supply of eggs and instant pancit canton!)-thank goodness.

was it liveable? oh well,  i have to make it that way. cleaning up (with soap, antibac and later floorwax), purchasing a small electric fan and recycling old CDs and magazines made it look less of a staircase-storeroom. being alone isn't that bad at all, in fact, it is way better. it's like having your own world...up to the time that you need to answer the call of nature. snap! back to earth. inday, put on your bathrobe 'coz the boyfriend or the father of another housemate or the nephews or the aide of the landlord may be just on the common area, you don't wanna be seen in your usual-almost-see-through-pjs, dontcha?! haaayyy

...the wall drawings that you are seeing are my almost-hopeless efforts to make the second room/bath a little homey. armed with just a pint of pink paint (one housemate had her on-job-training at boysen paint, how she got it is another story :) ), i did the deed one very hot dawn...

withdrawal pangs... a semi-look-back

what is this pain??? he asked himself. these are just pangs of new attitudes trying, wanting, needing to be born...i have heard this line before. or did i read it from somewhere??? ah, yes i remember...it is from a letter from my soul-twin michael divina. i have always believed pain then...now, i don't know. i keep on telling myself that pain is just a part of the drama. and when you feel it, like you feel it, then maybe, just maybe, you are enjoying the drama...just what really is pain? is it a natural sensation or an extraordinary pang? is it something that happens within the bounds of the body and its existing systems or is it more than just skin-deep? more than skin-deep, that it reaches the deepest depth of human emotions... all that is left in me is the knowledge that there really is pain. there really is pain and i can feel it now. the kind of pain that seemed to have nothing as a cure...the kind of pain that goes with living...and growing...to be more...than just an ordinary man.