flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

even when... TB2013

You learn you can do your best

 even when it's hard, even when you're tired 

and maybe hurting a little bit.  

It feels good to show some courage.  

~Joe Namath

unsent...TB1988

i am slowly forgetting you --- and i am not liking it...I want to keep you in my memory. I want to keep you in my heart. why is this memory's such a monster...? One day, I will soon forget...but I don't want to be alive in that one day... You are beautiful...you are smart...you are practically better than I am despite of your illness...you can sing...you can dance, you can even dress yourself modestly yet with good fashion sense at such a young age...I am missing those days of singing and dancing together....I know that you are going away but i tried to deny it and I went on living with you as if you'd be with me forever. My mistake! I should have hugged you more. I should have loved you better. I should have told you that I cared and that I am willing to take care of you...but what did I do? I feel like I made you feel like a nuisance to me in those last days of your life... God, forgive me! Marion, please forgive me...

an episode (sunflower days) TB051708

last year, i had an episode of fear - fear of dying... although i have accepted that God may take me anytime 'coz my life is not mine -- that time, i was afraid for my wowa, i was afraid for jovit, i was afraid for everybody... for a week i didn't sleep, i had a foolish feeling that when i close my eyes i may not able to wake up, so i busied myself in writing wills and poetry, and even drawing sunflowers in the bedroom doors , backdoor and front doors using just crayons...i named those days as my SUNFLOWER DAYS...

 after more than a year (i laughingly recall), i again felt the same way, for 2 days i felt that the pain in my left side have been staying and leaving me confused... to ease some of my worries, i told jovit (the husband) about it (last year, i suffered alone, jovit was just confused of the not-sleeping-and- crying- part of the episode) and he suggested that we go to my doctor for a check-up. my doctor may have felt my worry even as i was smiling when i entered his clinic... he simply said, "you're not going to die from that pain" (he didn't know about what happened a year ago, but for some strange reason, i have felt that he knew :) hmmm). he prescribed a medicine to be taken for a week then only if the pain isn't gone would we submit to an ECG.

if that day was last year, i would have gone to the adoration chapel and cried my heart out, i would have gone to the faculty room and cleaned the mess in my table i made last week, i would have gone to videocity and rented all the movies i wished i have seen, i would have sent thank-you-smss to my friends and colleagues (which i did last year that somewhow left them wondering why :)) i would have called my ex for a one-night-stand (now, :) that's going too far)... but you know what i did? i just went to COMELEC and complained that my name was not in the list, and that i'd wait until they find my voting area in their masterlist so i could vote, by hook and by crook...and so they found it, and i was able to vote at high noon, and then a lunch with jovit, and a lazy time reading old issues of readers' digest while watching wowowee.

that time, i wasn't afraid, that time i didn't cry, that time i wasn't mad...i got even. (the "i got even" part is for the cockroach i saw in the kitchen cabinet, but hey, that would be another blog entry :) (see die, cockroach, die)

re-entry 2004

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun
will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart ---
(i carry it in my heart)

-------------------

those 4 hours of heaven and hell those hands of yours on mine those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday? or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me... why did i let go of the moment? why can't i just stay there with you... if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

my life so far. TB081508

my life so far, is a struggle...against homesickness, motion sickness, migraine/vertigo and dealing with culture shock. while i try to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i wanted to let go. sometimes i find consolation in singing the rosary. they said there's no need for the CT scan (i had a fall/slip causing head trauma 3 weeks ago) since the skull xray, cbc, optha check all went fine...they believed that all these feelings i have are just in my head or perhaps an effect of separation anxiety...i wish to disagree and insist but the information asymmetry is so strong i couldn't do such. anyways, i still believe in the power of the mind, that i will be okay if i try to think that i am okay...my family have adjusted to the set-up (my being far, studying) so all i need is to help myself adjust. it's hard emotionally, physically, financially---waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! all i have is my spirit, my love... aja!!! now, i am serving as a teacher aide/research assistant to an economist : (5 days now and counting) , no pay but the experience i'm sure will be no match to the things i may be able to learn with him.

mind lessons ... a year after nanay's death

there are many
many things that
would make your mind tick.
i choose to choose thinking
thinking than be bored.
i believed that many
many many people died
because of boredom,
because of sadness,
physically and some just died
even as they are still somehow alive.
but not too much thinking i say...
not from too much thinking.
those with migraine bouts should know
should know what i mean.
it may stress a soul too much.
too much one may choose boredom
choose boredom in the end---
that i know (i should!) but...
is not an easy sacrifice.