Saturday, May 17, 2008

unsent...

i am slowly forgetting you --- and i am not liking it...I want to keep you in my memory. I want to keep you in my heart. why is this memory's such a monster...? One day, I will soon forget...but I don't want to be alive in that one day... You are beautiful...you are smart...you are practically better than I am despite of your illness...you can sing...you can dance, you can even dress yourself modestly yet with good fashion sense at such a young age...I am missing those days of singing and dancing together....I know that you are going away but i tried to deny it and I went on living with you as if you'd be with me forever. My mistake! I should have hugged you more. I should have loved you better. I should have told you that I cared and that I am willing to take care of you...but what did I do? I feel like I made you feel like a nuisance to me in those last days of your life... God, forgive me! Marion, please forgive me...

an episode (sunflower days)


last year, i had an episode of fear - fear of dying... although i have accepted that God may take me anytime 'coz my life is not mine -- that time, i was afraid for my wowa, i was afraid for jovit, i was afraid for everybody... for a week i didn't sleep, i had a foolish feeling that when i close my eyes i may not able to wake up, so i busied myself in writing wills and poetry, and even drawing sunflowers in the bedroom doors , backdoor and front doors using just crayons...i named those days as my SUNFLOWER DAYS...

after more than a year (i laughingly recall), i again felt the same way, for 2 days i felt that the pain in my left side have been staying and leaving me confused... to ease some of my worries, i told jovit (the husband) about it (last year, i suffered alone, jovit was just confused of the not-sleeping-and- crying- part of the episode) and he suggested that we go to my doctor for a check-up. my doctor may have felt my worry even as i was smiling when i entered his clinic... he simply said, "you're not going to die from that pain"

(he didn't know about what happened a year ago, but for some strange reason, i have felt that he knew :) hmmm). he prescribed a medicine to be taken for a week then only if the pain isn't gone would we submit to an ECG. if that day was last year, i would have gone to the adoration chapel and cried my heart out, i would have gone to the faculty room and cleaned the mess in my table i made last week, i would have gone to videocity and rented all the movies i wished i have seen, i would have sent thank-you-smss to my friends and colleagues (which i did last year that somewhow left them wondering why :)) i would have called my ex for a one-night-stand (now, :) that's going too far)... but you know what i did?

i just went to COMELEC and complained that my name was not in the list, and that i'd wait until they find my voting area in their masterlist so i could vote, by hook and by crook...and so they found it, and i was able to vote at high noon, and then a lunch with jovit, and a lazy time reading old issues of readers' digest while watching wowowee.

that time, i wasn't afraid, that time i didn't cry, that time i wasn't mad...i got even. (the i got even part is for the cockroach i saw in the kitchen cabinet, but hey, that would be another blog entry :) (see die, cockroach, die)

when i was about 8 months


when i was about 8 months, my father wrote a poem, i didn't know about this ---'til now when my sister explained the poem that i saw in her blog...the first time i read it i felt the creeps- it is as if i have read the poem somewhere.

i even wondered; was it my poem??? was it my ave's??? i tried to look for answers but didn't see one...so after a couple of days i asked her, she said it was my father's. ha????? for many years i tried to look for even bits of his writings, couldn't find any. i only knew of one title RIGOR MORTIS which was just blurted out by my nanay...theirs is a confusing love affair - a beautiful chaos i would say.

didn't know him much...circumstances forced me not to love him much, but one part of me would somehow look for answers...i started writing since 1988 (was it 1988 when he was brutally killed??? yes) but as to where i got the talent, i am ambivalent---i have no evidences, i have no clues...until now...

here--- (thanks sis, for trying to preserve this treasure)

EPILOGUE

Here I am now.
A man with life uncertain and insecure.
Fighting all odds of political existence.
I walk with DIFFERENT SHADOWS!
And I must learn to live with them.

In this world, there are those who are oppressed.
And there are those who are persecuted
because of their outlook -
towards our social structure...
towards the "SYSTEM"

But as to whether they can endure or resist
is a matter of how unrelenting their principles are -
or how strong their convictions are.
After the SHADOWS... What?

They will never stop shadowing - till they get me.
I'll be living soon in darkness.
Behind BARS perhaps.
Or inside a cold coffin.

But all threats - all intrigues could not cow us.
As long as we are still free to move - WE WILL MOVE.
As long as we still have life - WE WILL HOPE.
Yes, we still hope for a new day's dawn.
The dawn of our freedom.
FREE from dictatorial rule.
The dawn of justice.
FREE from all brutalities.

My fate?
I do not know what awaits me.
I only know I must be brave.

avr/11/03/77

Monday, May 12, 2008

i hate it when it happens


i always have been a believer of 'what you do not know - won't hurt you' and 'what you do not think - won't be' and 'what you do not allow yourself to feel - won't come'...but at this moment, this is way too much to handle (i'm giving this an hour or two of grrr-grrr-indulgence)...

when you invite people to atend a seminar, you have to make sure that it's worth attending; when you tell people that it's worth attending, you have to be sure indeed it is; when you make people pay for a seminar, you have to make sure that the money they spent is worth it, or better yet, that the seminar is worth more than the money they spent; when you say something, promise something, you have to be sure that you mean every word of it.

but booooooo-hooooooo!!! it's frustrating! it's disappointing! it's irritating! when you are supposed to be spending your sunday afternoon with your family, with the money that you spent for snacks and fun rides (or 10 kilos of rice!) coz the seminar, the supposed seminar--- can easily be downloaded from the net, and the speaker, the supposed speaker i have been told have just read the material from the presentation. arrrggghhhh!!! now i am partly to blame for some friends' wasted time.

oh i hate this post, this is almost nonsensical! but i am entitled to be this way once in a while ...i'd be getting over this feeling soon...wahahahahahahaha--- funny what a dream will make you when you wake up....ssssshhhhh!!! this is just a dream...i hope.

Friday, May 2, 2008

what's up --- what's down

what's up with this constant complaining that people seems to can not get hold of... the moment we wake up, we complain of having so many things to do instead of thanking god for giving us another day to do things---tsk tsk tsk... the rule of life is simple, you wake up, do things, try to be happy sleep and try to do the same again tomorrow---well, there are bills to pay and other errands to do, ideas to think? and many others? they are all but part of the simple procedure---so why complain? do it or don't...now am i complaining about complaining??? yes! so i better shut up---or shut down.