Choose. Choices. Choice. II

Work made him an absentee...

Death made him a memory...

But it didn’t matter anymore.

As the eldest, I stepped into the gap,

Mother’s assistant, Mother’s partner,

Building a home out of a garage, a shanty by the riles,

A borrowed room in a relative's house.

We were a family... because we chose to be.

Despite the hardships, we excelled,

Proving that poverty is not a lack of grace,

Only a lack of means.

We were a strange band of characters, shifting with the decades.

In the 80s, four...

In the 90s, minus a sister to the white blood cell war...

Plus new brothers, new sister, a second marriage.

We shared it all: toothpaste, socks, bath towels,

Coveting desserts and reading diaries in the dark.

We were experts at inflicting pain

And kissing to heal it in the same instant...

A common thread binding the chaos,

And that thread was her.

Always, her.

Family shaped me, wired me, defined me...

Until I realized I had to be more than a reflection.

I didn’t always know what I wanted to be,

But I knew exactly what I didn’t want to be.

I chose to form an identity

Apart from the struggle... apart from the ghosts.

Then came the phone call, five years ago.

A girl. A dying man. A claim of blood.

Forgive him, she said, so he can die in peace.

Whether true or not, I added them to my list,

Learning the stories of a father I never knew,

Seeing my own face in his history...

Wishing I had met them before the silence.

Now, my priorities are a different kind of quiet.

My choices are for the three of us...

Less complicated. Intact. Ever-present.

I choose to be the father who stays.

But sometimes I wonder...

Would I be this strong-willed, this patient?

Would I be this beautifully disturbed

To help the least-favored...

If we hadn’t survived the riles and the rooms?

That is a question...

I wouldn't risk answering now.

echoes and sketches, 1995

(far beyond far,
deep beyond deep,
still beyond still)

and the people cry, goes
“make them see, make them feel!!!”

and the poet spake, so low
“they are all but fools! How can I?
no jesus christ to stand tall amidst…
even then
have eyes, but didn’t see
have ears, but didn’t hear
have system, but didn’t feel…”

“nonsense!”, the people cried
“you might as well try”

and the poet spake, so low
“i might as well do, i’m afraid
no jesus christ i am to suffer amidst…
even then
his most high reverence
his kingdom and glory
his power everlasting

and they walked together, the poet and the people
believing to have conquered all the fears within

and they shouted to the highest
“we will be ! we shall be !
far beyond far like echoes in the night
even then
deep beyond deep as jesus christ’s
still beyond still as sketches in the wall
we will be! we shall be !”

and the people soon felt infirm
one by one they faced the last breath

and the poet wondered
“how could this be ? i’m left alone.
how can i? no jesus christ to die so others may live
even then
so he wrote deep lyrics beyond deep
so he sent echoes of emptiness, far beyond
so he drew sketches of nothingness still

and the poet wandered
clutching lyrics…echoes…sketches

just as i thought
no jesus christ he was
but he lived ‘til the end, the people he passed
even then
life held in love worked far beyond far
deep beyond life, beautiful nothingness
still beyond life, beautiful emptiness

and the people see
and the people feel.

every morning- a miracle! 021422 re-entry

my sunflower days are here again...
why is it that just when i'm beginning
to forget,
there are events that force me
to remember
these days? life is short,
whatever you can do, do it now,
you may perhaps never have the chance to do so again...
your memory is cruel,
it causes aches and pains knowing soon
you'd forget or soon you will be forgotten.
i say, mind should be used against itself...
mind vs body,
mind vs matter,
mind vs events,
mind vs circumstance...
life is short indeed but with mind working to your advantage,
you will leave this world with no regrets---
proceed to other worlds of your liking and happily return via short trips.

DUCKS ON YOUR HEAD

In kindness, there was a weariness profound,

A shifting mind, too often lost, then found.

Amidst the chaos, troubles, and strife,

I yearn for peace, a pause from this life.

Breathing, once easy, now feels like a chore,

Understanding, once clear, now lives here  no more.

Sights, sounds, feelings, overwhelming as they call,

Concerns that aren't mine, yet I think of them all.

In motion, such weariness so deep,

In waiting, a tiredness that steals my sleep.

Always there for others, I forgot my heart,

Denying myself the freedom to err, to restart.

Weariness has found a home in me,

Oh I'll find rest, when tiredness sets me free.

(Version 1/Safe Version)

Sakura Magtanggol, 2024

----

i have gotten tired of being kind

i have gotten tired of changing mind

i have gotten tired of all the mess and troubles i need to check 

and solve and be just done after not breathing (almost) to keep up

i have gotten tired of breathing

i have gotten tired of understanding

i have gotten tired of seeing, listening, feeling all those concerns 

that sometimes i think, (no, i know) doesn't even concern me at all

i have gotten tired of moving

i have gotten tired of waiting

i have gotten tired of being always there for everyone, 

and not giving myself chance to err or snoooze for a little while.

i have gotten tired. 

i am not resting until this tired gets tired of me.

(Version 2/ Sane Version)

Sakura Magtanggol, 2024

i am tired! give me rest! [re-entry 2011]

as it was, this heart should be broken

as it goes, it has played all the mendin'

as it is, broken pieces no offendin'

as the heart, all its pride a-stolen

"should" shall i use, of no use

"should" shall i say, i to choose

the heart he had chose have been cruel

the heart she had chose is no-duel

the hearts they had hurt is a fuel

to the fire in both hearts...

whose heart was it again?

whose heart is the villain?

this heart should have had its rest

this heart have had all hell's best

whatabout, i say, the unfinished test?

i am tired, i am tired, give me rest!

i am human too. [re-entry 2010]

i get hurt.
i get irritated.
i get offended.
i feel sad when i'm betrayed.
i feel angry when i'm disrespected in any way.
yes, i try to follow desiderata.
i try to be good if i could.
but i am human too.
i am human too.
so f*ck off!

my playful good god always provides [re entry 2009]

growing up in a complicated bad-good-better-worse-worst-good-better-best-good-bad-and-on-and-on world somehow made me a well-adjusted individual. i can blend and/or stand out depending on my need and 'trip' for the time...one constant thing however during the 'down and lacking' episodes is the fact that i never fail to talk to my good-old-playful friend 'upstairs', and what's more is that he-provides! oh, he really does, at all times! once, i had nothing to eat for the week, i just tried laughing it out and voila! someone from abroad just handed me canned goods, rice and noodles (jokingly just enough for a week). that incident and others more makes me laugh sometimes but it also makes me trust Him more than ever. Lately, i had this fund-mishap, making me poor by 850, 1200 and 1000 (all philippine peso) in just 2 days. I brushed it off as one of those 'grrr-moments' but on the 3rd day, the personnel officer gave me a plaque, supposed to be a 'service award'--- i was thankful...and...hahaha, it was coupled with 3000 (php). do the math, my ever-playful god owes me 50! :)

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

mind lessons ... a year after nanay's death

there are many
many things that
would make your mind tick.
i choose to choose thinking
thinking than be bored.
i believed that many
many many people died
because of boredom,
because of sadness,
physically and some just died
even as they are still somehow alive.
but not too much thinking i say...
not from too much thinking.
those with migraine bouts should know
should know what i mean.
it may stress a soul too much.
too much one may choose boredom
choose boredom in the end---
that i know (i should!) but...
is not an easy sacrifice.

flashback: my long-dead father

this is an excerpt from an email by my dear cousin maj—
we haven’t been together for so long, decades!
but we did try and been trying to keep in touch,
keeping the thread that holds our families together…
i have known a little about my father,
they tell me i write like him—
how in the world i should know???
but here’s a message coming from my cousin’s heart,
who may have known my father better than i did…

…."It is indeed always a mystery
why there is so much injustice in this world
when humans are naturally blessed with good hearts.
When I hear of deaths, the first person that comes to my mind
is Tio Aling, your father.
Believe it or not.
He was the only close relative I’ve had
whose death I’ve witnessed and seen.
I’m sorry if this brings you memories…
bitter or sweet…but your father was a good person.
His ideals may have clashed with others but God knows
how he holds human rights as supreme to all.
I vividly remember all the confusion in
Mabini Street when news leaked out about Tio
being tortured and brutally killed…
and his body being brought back.
Those are images that continue to surface in my mind,
even at my very young age.
I clearly remember how thousands of people turned out for the funeral
— never seen that huge crowd in town.
Those are people who have loved your father dearly.
It crossed my mind…
if he’s indeed a "bad" guy that others tried to portray,
then why are there thousands of people who have expressed
their condolences and sympathy to our family?
Yes, sometimes life is a mystery.
And sometimes we are confronted with situations
that are beyond our control…."…

2017: the secret

Hello 2017!



Secret to a happy life:

Assume nothing.

thanksgiving thoughts

it always pays to check if your moves are appropriate,
polite and in accordance to what the world needs. . .

anything fancy and fleeting should never be chosen
over actions which builds character and
concern for nature and humanity.

do not always equate quality goods and services
with high prices.
do not settle too for emotional battery
nor risky work environment for a perceived good output.

think about creativity, initiative, servant~leadership
and integrity of creation.
be strong enough to admit mistakes.
be brave enough to change for the better.

do not be afraid of failure ...
be afraid of "success without substance".

2nd 10/366

11/366. the new year calls for new beginnings. some people have made resolutions and will try to better themselves. if we cant support them nor believe they will succeed, we can at the least not mock them. the littlest effort to change is achievement enough to some. may we all have the courage to do so.

12/366. if each one of us gets to do one random act of kindness each day, what a wonderful world this will be.

13/366. each new day is a chance to overwrite a disgusting past. when it is overwritten, we must stop talking about it. we must start anew. do better. be better. we must waste not the chance this new day has in store.

14/366. when you're feeling down and it's taking you so long to get up and move, just think about (among others) the tasks left undone, the praises for teammates left unsaid, the people still unhelped, the items in your bucket list that needs to be accomplished.

Donald Shimoda: 

Here's a test to find out if your mission on Earth is finished: 

If you're still alive, it isn't.

[as for me, i tried counting the reasons... 

i am on 1, 475...and i'm still counting :)]

15/366. whenever i feel like am short-changed, i always take time to look back at when i had nothing. the heavens has given me more than what i deserved already. it pays to be reminded of these gifts. [whenever we have enough, we are grateful. more so whenever we have more... we share.]

16/366. when i started working at jollibee, i receive 14.75 per hour. even before that, i always knew that time is valuable. it was just better to have numbers to back that up... think: how much (time/money) will we earn/waste today?

17/366. each time i see how the sun rises or how the waves move or think about how the trees grow in the sand, i cant help but praise our creator. tapos, i see myself pa in the mirror... wow! hahaha. (walangbasaganngtrip)

18/366. first of all, most of all, be kind to yourself.

19/366. another sunrise. another day. it always pays to be aware that we have the power to make someone's day better and the power to ruin someone's day too. choose wisely. act kindly. happy chooseday!

20/366. never underestimate the power of a prayer.

1st 10/366

1/366. ang mabuhay nang dahil sayo.

2/366. until the twelfth of never 

i'd still be loving you.

3/366. death is as natural as life. 

thankful for both. in~between must have "meaning".

4/366. silence.

5/366. store opening of 424 classes. 

with the able guidance of their advisers 

and the rest of the BCTeam, 

i am confident that everything will be fine. 

they will have a smooth and successful opening event.

6/366. get up and move it. 

there's so much to see, 

there's so much to do. 

life is a gift. love it, live it, share it.

7/366. work is love made visible. [kg]

8/366. be kind to others, be kind to yourself. 

forgive others, forgive yourself.

9/366. nature gives us what we need. 

stop demanding so much.

10/366. do know that however you see yourself, 

you have the ability to change your world 

and those around you, even if you don't intend to. 

be careful but try to be truly happy.

sharing. from depression to life, again.

laundry poetry

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

Tis different from knowing that you won't

We all are actors playing out our part

It matters to take the role to the heart

Morning has broken, oh where were you night?

These years of madness will soon be out of sight

Toil with pleasure or beg for some crumbs

Be fit to survive... or just play dumb.

soul-cleaning

at times, this gets to be so tiring...
the loving, the living, the learning, the tolerating or understanding...
the daily route of a seemingly one way street
and blindly hoping there's a road, or even just a path
that leads some moving summer breeze back to me...
then the dishes called for cleaning.
i, for the first time for over several months,
replied with some urgency, to remove all debris,
to seek answers to confusion, to get some relief...
but the soap turned out to be of no match, at a disadvantage
for the cold cold stains. i should have made suds and
allow the stains to leave the dishes on its own.
cleaning, on some occasion requires time
and willingness of the party to be cleaned.
now, it all came back:
the reason for letting things be,
for not moving even if you're itching to run,
for staying silent when all you wanted to do is to scream.
perhaps, the same reason of a quick mind in a quick sand.
then all at once, you make yourself believe
that every feeling of weariness is your own making ...
that you are always free to change your path, your future,
perhaps even your past. then in that very moment,
your inner voice will whisper: let it be.

10 commandments (for husbands only)

yes, i did that on purpose. i intend to just enumerate here the 10 commandments for husbands as given by dr. harold sala (founder &president of guidelines international inc.- an international christian ministry) in his book 'ten commandments for husbands and wives' (omf literature)... it is because i noticed that in most bookstores, guidelines are mostly given to the female group (how to preserve a husband was even printed in a poster form). 

perhaps it's because the female group are also the reading-group hence, authors/printers see better feasibility if such were the target. hmmm...anyways, husbands (and wives- print this for whatever purpose it may serve) ---here they are (with one-liners from each of the brief discussion) :

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR HUSBANDS

1. keep your priorities straight (thou shalt make the building of thy home thy first business) - your responsibility to your family shouldn't be in conflict with the obligation to your employer.
2. meet your wife's needs (thou shalt remember that thy wife hath need of more than food, clothing and shelter) - the need for companionship, the need for communication, the need for a friend.
3. don't take your wife for granted (thou shalt not take thy wife for granted) -[yes, that was repeated in the book that way. for emphasis, i guess.]
4. make your wife a partner (thou shalt not think thy business is none of thy wife's business) - you're in a partnership called marriage.
5. don't squeeze the purse (thou shalt not deal grudgingly with thy wife) - you shall not ask an accounting of every coin unless you make a similar accounting to her.
6. lead the way in discipline (thou shalt cooperate with thy wife in establishing family discipline) - don't you leave the disciplining to your wife, and don't you dare to fail in backing her up...
7. eat it and love it (thou shalt not complain about thy wife's cooking for it will be as discord in thy household harmony) - [oh well, enough said here...go on cooking girl!].
8. leave your gloom at work (thou shalt enter into thy house with cheerfulness) - remember that your wife thought she married a man, not a bear.
9. hang together (thou shalt not let anyone criticize thy wife to thy face and get away with it - neither thy mother, nor thy father nor thy breathren, nor thy sisters nor any others that are relatives) - [ i could just imagine the wive's reaction here...i say, whew!]
10. lead the way spiritually (remember thy home and keep it holy) - assume the spiritual responsibility for their (the family) souls. no one else can do that for you.

my husband's mistress

LISA MARIE DEL ROSARIO, 25 years old, HRM graduate, working in Singapore for six years, went home [ ]. She has a long wavy hair, 5’5” in height, and a vital statistics of 34-25- 36. And so, their story goes. Lisa got [my husband's] number from a common friend. She had seen him twice and is willing to be his friend. Lisa is a liberated woman and has an Indian fiancé left in Singapore. She works in three hotels as a front desk supervisor. Living independently and temporarily staying with her Uncle’s family in [the city where we live], she’s afraid of commitment for having a sister in Dubai who is separated. The Hi’s and Hello’s started it all. Singapore and jobs in Singapore sustained their communication. Then as time passed, the commitment as text mates was established. From text mates to friends, they shared insights about family, their likes and dislikes, their weaknesses and experiences too...

Eventually, texting became less challenging and expensive so they both agreed to chat. Closeness became very evident. They became intimate friends endlessly sharing ‘anything’ under the sun. Too much familiarity is indeed boring. Cutting the story short, Lisa started it all. Fascinated with her, he also became interested. Loneliness yearns for comfort and for passion. And since they were both lonely (maybe), they found each other. They shared ‘everything’ (as in everything!) using the technology available; in bed, in the bathroom, and wherever their sinful imaginations could reach. Often, the last question both of them ask each other is: ‘HAPPY?’, with a big yes as an answer of course! Passionately, Lisa would always assure him that she would do everything to make him hers, exclusively hers alone. Because of that enduring happiness, the plan to meet personally was set aside.

One time, Lisa dared to call and listened to his moans and etc. Lisa couldn’t help it. The emotions were overwhelming (killing her!). It felt ecstatic yet burns like hell! It was fathomless. Uncovering the mouth piece, she asked softly: Happy? Finally, for the first time he heard her voice over the phone, a very familiar voice. He was suddenly offline. Lisa cried.

[ lisa?...] WAS ME!

[this is stolen with assumed permission

from my dear friend's blog http://chakchakchinagool.blogspot.com .

i don't know why i'm posting 3/4 of the article here.

(if you wanna know what happened next,

you better see the entire thing in her blogpage).

perhaps it's because this part gave me the creeps.

oh what a wife would do...and oh what a husband can do...

oh what loneliness or lust or love can do... dear heavens!]

dream or warning?

i am fond of dreams... but lately, they're disturbing me... and i so wish i could just go back to being a child again... those days when dreaming is just dreaming and not being disturbed by it when i woke... but then again, there's no turning back... these dreams, it seems to me, are here to stay... which reminds of one day in 2010...

yesterday, i just found myself talking with filbert, i can say i wasn't listening intently coz i can read from the way i look that i have been thinking of something else. i can see tita fidela's face light up too, as if happy to see me again, as if happy to see filbert and i chatting the way we used to. she's preparing a meal when i said i needed to catch a plane. in my mind i know i have to say goodbye to wowa and jovit first. but at that moment, the need to catch the plane is greater. maybe i thought i'd be back in no time so 'goodbyes' won't be needed.

so filbert took me in a bike with a sidecar and did the best he could to bring me to the airport (i wondered why it seemed too near), he even helped me beg (to the staff/airport personnel) to let me in even without my ticket ( i assumed i left it at home or somewhere but their database will surely tell that i'm on the list). the plane was for take-off, i did my best to be on it, even if it meant running to catch it, opening its door and throwing myself in (like a cartoon character). yes, i thanked heavens i got in.

after a while i noticed the earth so muddy, and i asked myself why the plane has to go through muddy earth when it can lift itself up soonest. i noticed too, that passengers weren't on seatbelts and they're all looking at me (one familiar face, was it matet? blurted out, "i think i know her" referring to me). they were all trying to be at the far end of the plane as if for fear of something. i went past them and tried to stay in front. i was annoyed to see a cockroach and a black cat just roaming in the plane floors. i tried asking the man beside me but i was shocked to see kuya richard. i thought he would be happy to see me but oh, it seems i was wrong (in my mind i was terrified coz i know kuya has been dead for almost a month). he shouted at me, "alfie, bakit andito ka? hindi ka pa dapat nandito ah. bakit ka kasi nagmamadali? dapat hindi ka nagmadali! (alfie, why are you here? you are not supposed to be here yet. why are you in a hurry? you shouldn't have hurried!).

that's it! i woke up. then...i realized everything's a dream. or...
was it a warning?