Sunday, August 31, 2008

in a time capsule

there are a lot of people and events that may come in someone's life but only few will truly touch and etch a memory. high school without debate is one of them. here you will get to meet people from all walks of life, in several manners, mostly awkward since this is the stage when individuals are battling within---> i am too young to be an adult, too old to be a child (read:adolescence). in this very stage, we tend to create personalities that we perceive to be pleasing to others. no one to blame:man are social beings- the more they behave the way society dictates them to be, the better it is for everybody.

when i was thirteen i met this somewhat deviant classmate-dave. he is not like my bestfriend kristoffer (see him in blog entry BF-EVER), really! he was different!... at such a a young age, he seemed to be unmindful of what others may think of him, of his acts, of his words. don't get me wrong, he was seldom unpleasant but always always surprising. his surge of emotions will bring turmoil to a tamed conforming person. his laughter is contagious but so is his anger. his chivalry will make you smile but his apathy will make you cry too. i have tried to look at dave in a different perspective. (at 13, i thought i was a philosopher, a psychologist, or maybe just another lost soul waiting to be found again). i saw him persevere as much as i saw him get wasted with foolishness. i saw his leadership, and his hardheadedness as well. i saw him falling in and out of love, hear him shouting and whisper at different times. he was a friend to me (or maybe i was a friend to him) ...i had time with him in a capsule. why dave? coz he reminds me that life is too short to be wasted on hiding and pretending to be so-oh-good when you can taste every detail of badness and somehow learn from it. but years passed i lost track of my subject--- too many thoughts, too many people, too little time i guess.

as we entered the university, i see little and little of him. once i saw him laughing with a group of thug-looking students in a kiosk-they all seem to be enjoying their chat, laughing boisterously at times. once i saw him all alone in a path from one building to another, i tried to catch up on him and ask how he was, he halted, stared at me confusingly and just smiled. i dismissed it as a call to accept that the dave i knew, though nothing has changed physically somehow isn't exactly the same (who doesn't change anyway?). i saw him a couple of time in a telecoverage of campus demonstration (that made me smile and reminded me of my foolishness years before). and then nothing, just news that he graduated and somehow trying to conform in his own way.

now...(fast forward) dave have popped out of the nowhere and is keeping in touch (truly challenges my thoughts, philosophies in more ways than one). my time in a capsule with him is opened and remembered but a new capsule is to be made (and s0 is a new blog entry?). he is a family man, a trusted employee, a fun friend (though he always refutes coz he has different perspective of the word 'friend'). he still is the dave who helped me cope with culture-shock by making me more shocked (ready, set-laugh!), the dave who helped me bring the trash to the pit (and irritatingly threw the trashcan too when i jokingly suggested so---grrr!), the dave who shouts at her girl in the school campus, the dave who loves to tease --- he is the dave who fought with goliath (read: goliath=the need to conform) and won.

there are a lot of people and events that may come in someone's life but only few will truly touch and etch a memory. dave without debate is one of them.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

september blues

there are moments when life seems to be passing so fast, so fast you can't help but 'unnotice' the days--days of recalling, of remembering, of un-learning...what is in september that gives one the 'creeps'? i, specially find september creepy. is it because of the memories september has much on-hold? is it the date per se? is it the song? the poem? the people? the person? the man.

do you remember the shirt that you wore then? do you remember the dew that you felt on your face as the night grew darker? do you remember the trembling hands and those soft, confused lips? whatabout those letters, do you remember your unguarded thoughts? do you remember your dreams and hopes and hurts and wishes and always-ever-wanting-to-sleep-to-get-away-from-it-all and just feel the beating of your hearts? memory, is a monster i once read: you think you have it? no! it has you.

there are moments when life seems to have flown real fast. my mind auto-deleted the hurts and the pains, believing i partially asked for those and just enjoyed the torture for some time---these are the days when i'd prepare myself to let go of the 'september blues' and forget about the 'creeps'. come september, i'd say---you are wonderful to recall. you are beautiful to remember. you are my favorite mistake.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

echoes and sketches

(far beyond far, deep beyond deep, still beyond still)

and the people cry, goes
“make them see, make them feel!!!”

and the poet spake, so low
“they are all but fools! How can I?
no jesus christ to stand tall amidst…
even then
have eyes, but didn’t see
have ears, but didn’t hear
have system, but didn’t feel…”

“nonsense!”, the people cried
“you might as well try”

and the poet spake, so low
“i might as well do, i’m afraid
no jesus christ i am to suffer amidst…
even then
his most high reverence
his kingdom and glory
his power everlasting

and they walked together, the poet and the people
believing to have conquered all the fears within

and they shouted to the highest
“we will be ! we shall be !
far beyond far like echoes in the night
even then
deep beyond deep as jesus christ’s
still beyond still as sketches in the wall
we will be! we shall be !”

and the people soon felt infirm
one by one they faced the last breath

and the poet wondered
“how could this be ? i’m left alone.
how can i? no jesus christ to die so others may live
even then
so he wrote deep lyrics beyond deep
so he sent echoes of emptiness, far beyond
so he drew sketches of nothingness still

and the poet wandered
clutching lyrics…echoes…sketches

just as i thought
no jesus christ he was
but he lived ‘til the end, the people he passed
even then
life held in love worked far beyond far
deep beyond life, beautiful nothingness
still beyond life, beautiful emptiness

and the people see
and the people feel.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

re-entry 2004

those 4 hours of heaven and hell
those hands of yours on mine
those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday?
or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me...
why did i let go of the moment?
why can't i just stay there with you...
if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and
whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart ---(i carry it in my heart)

mind lessons

there are many many things that would make your mind tick.
i choose to choose thinking than be bored.
i believed that many many many people died because of boredom,
physically and some just died even as they are still somehow alive.
but not too much thinking i say...not too much.
those with migraine bouts should know what i mean.
it may stress a soul too much. too much one may choose boredom in the end---
that i know (i should!) is not an easy sacrifice.

re-entry 051407

for many years i was afraid of you,
whenever i see you, i feel mad
but i couldn't do anything about it,
i just run and hide...sometimes i shout, no shriek!!!
but to no avail, you continue to terrorize me,
like those girls in high school who just don't know they're acting like bullies
by just being together...

i'm 30+ years now and i decided not to be afraid of you anymore,
gone are those days of running and hiding and feeling mad and bad
whenever i see you. this time, i decided to get even... trust me,
when i see you, i won't run and hide nor shriek! i'd get something,
anything to trap you and squash you until you die.
yes! i want you dead! all of you!

and even if it seems that you're dead,
i will pour on poison to your entire body so that i can be sure of your death.

re-entry 060506

for a while now, i have been addicted to thinking...
so much have happened and so much is to be thought of.
years before, my compulsion when these thoughts enter my system is to sleep---
it's the best freedom (or escape)i could ever think of.
but now, i have realized i need to wake up (in and out)
to understand my thoughts and if i dont understand my thoughts...
id let it drift like a true sportsman hehehe...

tsk tsk tsk ... for a while now, i have been addicted to thinking...
what a wonderful addiction this is.
(this is how i felt today--- tomorrow, my thoughts would be different--- perhaps).

Thursday, August 14, 2008

my life so far.

my life so far, is a struggle...against homesickness, motion sickness, migraine/vertigo and dealing with culture shock. while i try to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i wanted to let go. sometimes i find consolation in singing the rosary.

they said there's no need for the CT scan (i had a fall/slip causing head trauma 3 weeks ago) since the skull xray, cbc, optha check all went fine...they believed that all these feelings i have are just in my head or perhaps an effect of separation anxiety...i wish to disagree and insist but the information asymmetry is so strong i couldn't do such.

anyways, i still believe in the power of the mind, that i will be okay if i try to think that i am family have adjusted to the set-up (my being far, studying) so all i need is to help myself adjust. it's hard emotionally, physically, financially---waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! all i have is my spirit, my love... aja!!!

now, i am serving as a teacher aide/research assistant to an economist : (5 days now and counting) , no pay but the experience i'm sure will be no match to the things i may be able to learn with him.