Wednesday, December 17, 2008

conspiracy dream

A few days before going to Gensan for a christmas break, I checked out a place on Visayas Ave. (QC, Manila) called Conspiracy. This place is a movie in my mind for so long, until my cool nanay reminded me to really go there... The place is co-owned by musicians Joey Ayala, Gary Granada, Noel Cabangon, Bayang Barrios, Cookie Chua and more than 90 other investors: writers, college professors, NGO workers. As most 'welgistas' know, one of the hallmarks of these artists is politics. But love songs can be a real thrill for starters...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

13th DEGIT : A Success!






















UST-SRC hosts International Conference DEGIT - XIII

The Social Research Center of the University of Sto. Tomas with the Copenhagen Business School Department of Economics and the Kiel Institute for the World Economy hosts the 13th conference on Dynamics, Economic Growth and International Trade. The conference was held at Thomas Aquinas Research Complex, University of Sto. Tomas, Manila Philippines on November 18 and19, 2008.

More than thirty (30) economists and researchers from the country and abroad submitted papers for presentation focusing on the patterns and implications of international trade and foreign direct investment in a growing world economy, as well as the conditions under which nations benefit from regional economic integration. Papers on other specialized topics, such as agricultural integration, agricultural policy and food security, natural resource economics and environmental issues were also presented.

The 2-day program started with an introduction from Alvin Ang, Director of UST-SRC and welcome remarks from the UST Vice Rector for Academic Affairs Clarita Carillo. Bjarne S. Jensen of University of Southern Denmark and Copenhagen Business School gave a short response in behalf of the DEGIT organizers.

During the plenary, close to a hundred participants listened to the keynote speeches on Regional Economic Integration in Asia by Giovanni Capannelli of Asian Development Bank and Denise Konan of University of Hawaii. Hirofumi Uzawa of Research Institute of Capital Formation Development Bank of Japan, Tokyo also gave a presentation on Global Warming, Imputed Prices and Sustainable Development.

The presenters were toured to the University Museum at the end of the day 1. It was coupled with a Conference Dinner with inspiring presentations from international artists Renato Lucas, Rolando Reyes and the UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe.

In the 2nd day of the conference, plenary presentations and discussions revolved around various topics Imelda Revilla-Molina of International Rice Research Institute presented Improvement of Technical Efficiency in Rice Planting while Rainer Klump of Goethe University Frankfurt discussed Biased Technological Change in Agriculture. This session was followed by presentations on Stochastic Dynamics of Economic Growth,Trade and Finance Models by Partha Chatterjee of National University of Singapore and Bjarne S. Jensen of University of Southern Denmark and Copenhagen Business School . The afternoon plenary was about the Global Financial Crisis with Evelyn R. Santos of Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas and Wick Veloso of Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation as Resource Speakers.

There were a total of nine Parallel Sessions in the conference. Topics were on Firms, Innovation and Productivity, Trade Patterns, Aid and Growth, Environment and Agriculture , Agglomeration, and Dynamic Models among others. The event ended with presenters and participants having a chance to network and discuss on a cocktail party.

The said conference is a sequel to twelve previous conferences with the same theme held in Denmark (1996), Hong Kong (1997), Taiwan (1998), Tilburg (1999), Rome (2000), Vienna (2001), Cologne (2002), Helsinki (2003), Reykjavik (2004), Mexico City (2005), Jerusalem (2006) and Melbourne (2007).

Thursday, December 4, 2008

an email from dr. alvin ang as he turned 40


This year America is celebrating Thanksgiving Day on my birthday, 27 November! They have made my birthday special as millions are celebrating with me. This year is also doubly special for me as I am celebrating my 40th birthday.

As a young boy of 11, my father died and my mother just turned 40 years old then. I heard many people consoling my mother and telling her life begins at 40. As I reach that age today, I do not believe that life begins at 40. Nonetheless, I still see 40 as an important year to remember. It is a milestone that needs to be "monumented." I see the age 40 from the perspective of how God shaped Moses to be the leader of His people. Moses lived up to 120 years old, Deuteronomy 34:7 says – "Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone." His life is a model of how God can shape our direction and purpose.

Like Moses, I see the first 40 years of my life as preparation. Moses encountered the Lord in the burning bush after he turned 40. The first 40 years was preparation for the big rescue that he was to lead. Similarly for us, God has allowed different situations and conditions these past 40 years (for those of you above it) to ensure that we are ready for the big work. This does not mean that before 40 we did not do what He wanted, it is simply a shift of phase and further deepening, a better focus, a mature heart and a special way of understanding of things and situations.

Most of us have invested time and resources to build up our earthly positions before 40. In my birthday devotion today, the Lord led me to the verse above – the second phase or the second forty years, the focus is no longer on the discovering the relationship with God with the bias for the self, but a deepening of the relationship with God with a bias for others. This means that life with God has phases instored for us to discover. He does not make it monotonous. He makes sure that we enjoy every minute of it. The verse above tells me that I have completed a phase of preparation, now – I must no longer worry about building for myself, I must now start building and expanding for Him. Moses led the Israelites during the next 40 years of his life. These years were the time he was used by God to do great and mighty miracles – most of all these years were the time he personally saw and experience God. What an exciting time!

The next 40 years will mean also a time of preparing the next generation – my sons – to be the Solomons of their generation, to build God's kingdom in their lives. This is also a time to build up the body of Christ by being a mentor to others – friends, relatives and people in my influence. This is also a time to re-enliven and refresh my relationship with my wife and allowing God to bring it to new heights.

I would like to end by saying that God gave me a wonderful gift this day as His affirmation for the next 40 years. You see I am typing this letter in a hotel room in Hanoi, Vietnam fronting the West Lake. God brought me here for an all expenses paid conference to have a lakeview experience with Him. I actually dreamed of having a big thanksgiving party for this day. God made it possible with a hundred people in attendance in a beautiful hotel and an evening dinner cruise in the West Lake of Hanoi! Allow me to thank you for being a part of my first 40 years, I am sure that you will very well be in the next 40 years. Friends, my prayer is that we will all see our phase in life according to God's plan. I am looking forward to enjoying Him for the next 40 years so I can enjoy everything He has given me! Come, join me!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

thoughts about justice


Justice is the fulfillment of obligation, that is, of the essential demand of one person from another. It is not giving them what they deserve. It is giving them what they need.

The concept of justice usually is thought of giving someone what he deserves, it’s almost black-or-white. And, its image is usually one who is blind-folded, not looking at other perspectives that may somehow lead to bias---but how would you measure properly if you refuse to see?

Justice to a human person is what his being a man demands by way of growth and unfolding towards maturity…like a child being provided of care, nourishment, education, social environment among others for him to grow and develop as a mature individual. Justice here, is not given in exact measures for all since each have different needs and conditions---hence, we give what others need, not our idea of what others deserve.

There was a story of two angels visiting a village. Both spent a night in a house of families of different values and background. The junior angel noticed that the senior angel repaired a small hole in the basement of the rich family. He noticed further that he allowed the carabao of the poor family to die. The junior angel saw this as foul and he cried ‘injustice!’. The senior angel after many days explained that the hole in the basement is a mark where the gold bars are hidden. The rich family would find it hard to find what they have hid in the first place…The dead carabao is an exchange. Angel of death came to take the poor man’s wife but the senior angel requested that he take the carabao instead. Here we see that things aren’t always what they seem, so is our concept of justice.

‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ would leave this world blind and ‘bungal’ . Though often used, this is not the expression of justice. If a man failed to see and respect others, obviously, he needs to learn it. Punishing him in any other manner that would not lead him to learn, recognize justice, living it and leading it to love, is a useless punishment. This is why most child psychologists would recommend talking to the child instead of just spanking him, for words may lead to comprehension and living fully.

Finally, one would agree that “love and justice are the same, for justice is love distributed” and that no one could ever be just unless he learns to love his fellowmen. It is our primary obligation to others…to affirm, to respect, to love and be just.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

15 songs of our HS days and my all-time favorite...


1. more than words (sayin' i love you)
2. heaven knows (maybe my love will come back someday)
3. farewell (to you my friend)
4. awit ng barkada (nakasimangot ka na lang palagi)
5. mahal kita (yan ay alam mo na)
6. sana kahit minsan (ay mapansin ako)
7. a friend (i've still been searching and long have i waited)
8. one friend (i always thought you we're the best---tay! ito yun!)
9. how am i supposed to live without you (now that i've been loving)
10. where are you now (someone there tonight holding what)
11. we are friends (that's what we'll be til the end)
12. when i die (you give me strength when i start to worry)
13. even if (you mean the whole damn world to me)
14. next in line (what is life to offer me when i grow old)
15. we didn't start the fire (harry truman, doris day, red china)

---------------------
The Rose (Bette Midler)

Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed

Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
Its the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
Its the one who wont be taken, the one who cant seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

suddenly, i thought about respect and promotion :)


What is “respect”? What is “promotion’?... Affirmation fulfills the humanity of individuals and to affirm another means to respect and promote his subjectivity and individuality (his potentiality) and social capacities. "Respect and promotion may also involve active involvement in the prevention or demolition of conditions that prevent or hamper the unfolding of human capacities which are essential to the fullness of human development. "

Respect recognizes the existence of human qualities and capacities. This is something that the market economy can not just offer for a price. It comes as individuals relate with other individuals, as he strives to understand his being a human person, and as he tries to create a world with, and within the world of others.

Man’s needs in the beginning used to be so simple – flood, clothes and a shelter just enough to protect him from heat and cold. As time passed however, these needs have grown and have extended to items tagged as wants. Men began looking at other things. He also then began realizing that there is more to the basic economic needs. Whatever needs and wants men might have, whatever it may cost, one can not deny that without the feeling of being human in its fullest sense, the individual is only ‘potentially human’. The need to for affirmation of his humanity by others will fully actualize his humanity despite the scarcity of resources, goods and services that he is facing.

A child learns to appreciate affirmation from his parents and from the individuals that surround him every day of his life. He learns to acknowledge his being by hearing what others think or say of him, and whatever makes others think or say positive, he does over and over. This is a manifestation of man’s need for affirmation at an early age. This need continues to be there as he grows old. The feeling of affirmation coupled with provisions of basic necessities will somehow provide the child the main ingredient to full life. A life that teaches him to affirm others of their existence, and, humanity too.

Respect as felt, (and not to overemphasize- earned) includes respect for intelligence. It also implies that intelligence must be developed to the fullest. Promotion is the commitment to create conditions for development and growth so potentials (including one of intelligence) are realized ---a movement from potentiality to actuality. Respect and promotion are essential demands of man from childhood to adulthood. Circumstances that may hamper both must be prevented or demolished.

It is human nature to be affirmed and accepted as human persons and anyone refused of such is de-humanized. (hmmm...thoughts...)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

bf ever:a-work-in-progress


we all hear of best buddies and best friends, but oftentimes it is about two men or two women who lived their life in each other's company, through good times and bad, preserving their friendship...ours is a different story: we're bestfriends of opposite sex but we clicked (in my opinion) way better than same-sex buddies. it is still a work-in-progress after 18 long years, but it is beginning to become a masterpiece.

kristoffer (whom i fondly call 'tay', who loved-with d to call me baby) is my bestfriend ever. we started knowing each other in our sophomore year and have loved each others' company since then. we share stories, laughters, concerns and silliness sometimes all in one sitting. but it was not fun all throughout. there were quarrels too, small petty ones to big ones (graduation day feeling glum coz he won't even look at me in anger- for reasons i can't even remember now).

(this space is reserved for the years in my time in a bottle, his words and memories such as...if you really love him, i'd help you guard your heart for him...you're supposed to say it can't be coz im your 'tay'...we were just together yesterday but i miss you already...)

he is working on the other side of the world now, sometimes i feel that he is just around and i feel glad, but sometimes i feel reality biting --- my bf ever is ever-so-far that i can't even remember the feel of the touch of his hand...good thing there's the phone and the email and the messenger to keep in touch with him. he is still single (wink, wink) and enjoying his life, while i am a post graduate student, a mother and a wife to a man he approves of.

there are times i think of him, times that sometimes makes me smile and laugh but mostly making me cry (we love drama). we continue to support each other and love each other and care for each other despite the distance and circumstance. i am blessed with his friendship, and with him, i realized "there is no such thing as far away".

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

5 things...(samu't sari)


"Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo... Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan e nagmumukha ring pandesal."

"hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito.
at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "

"Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa'yo - ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao."

"Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

" Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera (at kung anu-ano pa!)? Kung kailangan sa buhay yun, dapat matagal na kong patay."

7 truths about love (bob ong)


"Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong mahal mo.
Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

"Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

"Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo.
Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

"Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

"Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo.
Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."

"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

Saturday, November 1, 2008

engaged???..available???


Is it because I am engaged that I have to be available? Is it because I am available that I have to be engaged? What spells engagement? Availability? Do I reach out to grow or do I grow to reach out?

Thesis: The being who is ready for anything is the opposite of him who is occupied or cluttered up with himself. He reaches out …beyond his narrow self, prepared to consecrate his being to a cause which is greater than he is but at the same time he makes his own. (G.Marcel, Engagement and Availability)

In the many aspects and dimensions of man’s struggle, one can not help but question the reasons for his existence. What is the purpose of learning, yearning, earning and unlearning? What makes a person a person? In this juncture, one may realize that life offers more questions rather than answers and somehow the questions are the answers in itself.

The world may come as an exercise book. You can choose to draw yourself as an individual, alone but not lonely. Your aloneness here may not last for vey long since man by nature seeks to learn and grow. What best way to learn and grow but to learn and grow with others in a community. But, just the same, you can choose to express reality or fantasy in your exercise book if you wish to do so. Fantasy or dreams however gives you an escape – the chance to pass events off as nothing and do other things. Responsibility for such is somehow vague and this may be coupled with questionable acceptance that others exist as persons too.

Reality as drawn brings others into shape. The concept that you are engaged to your own being, engaged to the existence of others, engaged as a part of the community. Here, you may gain or lose your individuality, but only always with your consent.
I used to look at myself as a star of a movie. Everything revolves around me (I am the sun in the solar system!). Whatever happens happens because it has something to do with me, either I may have caused it or it may cause me to somehow improve my character. Scenes function the same way as people in my movie. Either I will bring joy or havoc in their seeming insignificant lives or they’d bring changes in the way I play my part. It may go on like this for a while until a snap pulls me out of the movie in my mind.

The world indeed is bigger. Life can engulf an unprepared being. Gone should be the days of being too caught up with myself. Here comes the ‘me’ saying “I’m ready, I’m ready! Ready to face the world. Ready to meet people and learn. Ready to experience Ready to become an advanced life-form. I’m ready and available to be engaged – to life.”

Thursday, October 30, 2008

ever-i miss u.


it's during times like this that i long for your hugs and kisses...i wish you were here- near like before, always there, always near.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

be true???


E.Croonenberg in his text about Man and Fellowmen presented that any factor which prevents the persons concerned from being their true selves also detracts from the real nature of love. Hmmmm...

The world as it was created has men, and man as created have other men to live with. One can not separate himself from others as much as he can not live on a vacuum. Man learns to live with others to know himself fully and somehow know the others as well.

Love in all its meaning comes as man lives with other men in this world. Encounters provide experiences for men to experience themselves as well. An individual answers the call to such experience to lead him to perfection as a person achieving self-realization. Encounters between individuals are normal and necessary; longing for presence beyond the usual encounter coupled with dedication and unusual warmth from the unauthentic foundation to authentic level of affection could only mean that love has sealed the encounter.

The real nature of love is selflessness – unselfishness to its highest and permanent level. One in love manifests a great deal of being true to ones self; a great deal of not holding back; a great deal of surrender to the other. Fidelity (to love) if it is to work has to go through and overcome hardships and obstacles which somehow have rooted up from the individual’s selfishness as well as the others.

One would seek answers to questions such as: Is love enough? Is love enough for me to let go? Do I hold on to love? Do I hold on to love despite the distance and physical absence of my beloved? Will love remain after a loved-one's death? How do I maintain true love? Will my being true to myself be an obstacle to the fidelity to love?

Experiences and encounters vary from time and persons, yet lessons have proven to be at least universal (for all). One has to learn to yearn silently and let love grow, to reveal his identity as he learns to appreciate another person’s identity, to slowly appreciate individuality yet accepting wholeness as relationship with the other progresses, to unselfishly learn to know when to hold on or to let go, and most of all, to accept that real love is stronger than any obstacles – even separation, even death.

My experiences and series of encounters with love come in all forms and intensity as I age. I have noticed that it has become simple coming from complicated to simple to complicated and so on. Love as a truth is indeed an obligation to truth to one’s self. Then, all else follow.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

never-ending goodbye


Di ba tayo’y narito upang maging malaya at upang palayain ang iba? ako’y walang hinihiling, Ika’y tila ganoon din, sadya’y bigyang-laya ang isa’t-isa...Ang pag-ibig natin ay walang hanggang paalam at habang magkalayo papalapit pa rin ang puso. kahit na magkahiwalay tayo ay magkasama sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo. Ang bawat simula ay siya ring katapusan, may patutunguhan ba ang ating pagsinta? sa biglang tingin kita’y walang kinabukasan subalit di-malupig ang pag-asa. Ang pag-ibig natin ay walang hanggang paalam ---at habang magkalayo papalapit pa rin ang puso. kahit na magkahiwalay tayo ay magkasama sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo. ang pag-ibig natin ay walang hanggang paalam at habang magkalayo papalapit pa rin ang puso kahit na magkahiwalay tayo ay magkasama sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo---sa magkabilang dulo ng mundo. (I did not write this piece...these are the words in the poem-song made by Joey Ayala,truly touching...always makes me wanna cry)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

whatever makes you happy

---go for it. life is short.
do you think the world is in chaos?
that's extremely ordinary.
we have only one obligation in this lifetime
---that is to be true to our selves.
thank god for the free will.
(but please, if you can...when you can
choose not to hurt.)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

'coz we simply can't---


accept the fact that there people,
there will always be people who are one-too-many
...and that if they don't divert and/or distribute
their energies, the object of their affection will
simply drown...yes drown!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

a touching spam


My husband is an engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feeling, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the ability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired; there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?

And finally he asked me, "What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"

He said: "I will give you my answer tomorrow..." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes...

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further."

The first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading...

"When you use the computer, you always mess up the software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs."

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city ; I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches very month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good to your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet and die.

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. and as I continue reading...

"Now that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk..."

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread...

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the dullest and boring form, flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... that's our life... love, not words win arguments...

Anonymous

Thursday, September 18, 2008

everybody's entitled to some foolishness


...some foolishness.
...some playfulness.
...some something to make life and living more tolerable.
-but remember to not forget your HOME...always carry it in your heart.

what is happening to the philippines???
a lot of research institutions have been interested and still find interest
in studying the philippines, spending lots of money for papers
and surveys and tests...what is in the philippines?
is it I? I? you must be kidding! hahahahaha

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

do not...

...hate me for loving you
---old juan dela cruz is...dying.
---my mind is confused, and ...is ticking like a bomb...ready to explode.

do not...
...hate me for talking---for thinking---for being me.

Friday, September 5, 2008

gloomy cheery careless careful day


what a day! what a night! what an exhausting reading-thinking-writing schedule the past days have been. i shouldn't complain- i allowed myself to be here, like i asked to be like this. yes! everything that may have happened to me in the recent past is all with my consent. i could just end this now but i choose not to. i choose to fight and struggle and enjoy this gloomy cheery careless careful day...what do i have to lose? not much... but of course i have to be guided --- wanna see my guide??? my guide is written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s , not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! as others may claim...here, have a bite :)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and enchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful (cheerful). Strive to be happy.

What is this guide? Hmmm..., it is called DESIDERATA (Things to be Desired)...worth keeping eh?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

we all need sunscreen


one of my favorites when i was younger is the speech-lyric by baz entitled "sunscreen". it is given as a piece over a nice groovy song but not everybody liked it--- i did, like it. come to think of it, i almost forgot that i had this in my fave-list, until birdie mentioned it once...i was also forced to remember the song when i got sunburned in the first month of re-staying in manila, underneath espana's sun without any protection...gosh i didn't like the feeling (not to mention the 'look')...to my dismay, i rushed to the drugstore and looked for a sunscreen. hahahahaha...but this song is more than skin-deep. read slowly and see what i mean===>>>

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ?9...Wear sunscreen


If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...Youre not as fat as you imagine.

Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.


Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts,
dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.


Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead,
sometimes youre behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.


Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Dont feel guilty if you dont know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, youll miss them when theyre gone.

Maybe youll marry, maybe you wont, maybe youll have children, maybe you wont, maybe youll divorce at 40, maybe youll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, dont congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody elses.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...dont be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument youll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you dont follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(here, there is a 49-second break in speech -- Quindon singing)

Get to know your parents, youll never know when theyll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. (here i suggest Makati instead of New York and Bataan instead of Northern California).

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, price will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do youll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Dont expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Dont mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

===============================

what do you think? nice huh?! :)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

in a time capsule


there are a lot of people and events that may come in someone's life but only few will truly touch and etch a memory. high school without debate is one of them. here you will get to meet people from all walks of life, in several manners, mostly awkward since this is the stage when individuals are battling within---> i am too young to be an adult, too old to be a child (read:adolescence). in this very stage, we tend to create personalities that we perceive to be pleasing to others. no one to blame:man are social beings- the more they behave the way society dictates them to be, the better it is for everybody.

when i was thirteen i met this somewhat deviant classmate-dave. he is not like my bestfriend kristoffer (see him in blog entry BF-EVER), really! he was different!... at such a a young age, he seemed to be unmindful of what others may think of him, of his acts, of his words. don't get me wrong, he was seldom unpleasant but always always surprising. his surge of emotions will bring turmoil to a tamed conforming person. his laughter is contagious but so is his anger. his chivalry will make you smile but his apathy will make you cry too. i have tried to look at dave in a different perspective. (at 13, i thought i was a philosopher, a psychologist, or maybe just another lost soul waiting to be found again). i saw him persevere as much as i saw him get wasted with foolishness. i saw his leadership, and his hardheadedness as well. i saw him falling in and out of love, hear him shouting and whisper at different times. he was a friend to me (or maybe i was a friend to him) ...i had time with him in a capsule. why dave? coz he reminds me that life is too short to be wasted on hiding and pretending to be so-oh-good when you can taste every detail of badness and somehow learn from it. but years passed i lost track of my subject--- too many thoughts, too many people, too little time i guess.

as we entered the university, i see little and little of him. once i saw him laughing with a group of thug-looking students in a kiosk-they all seem to be enjoying their chat, laughing boisterously at times. once i saw him all alone in a path from one building to another, i tried to catch up on him and ask how he was, he halted, stared at me confusingly and just smiled. i dismissed it as a call to accept that the dave i knew, though nothing has changed physically somehow isn't exactly the same (who doesn't change anyway?). i saw him a couple of time in a telecoverage of campus demonstration (that made me smile and reminded me of my foolishness years before). and then nothing, just news that he graduated and somehow trying to conform in his own way.

now...(fast forward) dave have popped out of the nowhere and is keeping in touch (truly challenges my thoughts, philosophies in more ways than one). my time in a capsule with him is opened and remembered but a new capsule is to be made (and s0 is a new blog entry?). he is a family man, a trusted employee, a fun friend (though he always refutes coz he has different perspective of the word 'friend'). he still is the dave who helped me cope with culture-shock by making me more shocked (ready, set-laugh!), the dave who helped me bring the trash to the pit (and irritatingly threw the trashcan too when i jokingly suggested so---grrr!), the dave who shouts at her girl in the school campus, the dave who loves to tease --- he is the dave who fought with goliath (read: goliath=the need to conform) and won.

there are a lot of people and events that may come in someone's life but only few will truly touch and etch a memory. dave without debate is one of them.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

september blues


there are moments when life seems to be passing so fast, so fast you can't help but 'unnotice' the days--days of recalling, of remembering, of un-learning...what is in september that gives one the 'creeps'? i, specially find september creepy. is it because of the memories september has much on-hold? is it the date per se? is it the song? the poem? the people? the person? the man.

do you remember the shirt that you wore then? do you remember the dew that you felt on your face as the night grew darker? do you remember the trembling hands and those soft, confused lips? whatabout those letters, do you remember your unguarded thoughts? do you remember your dreams and hopes and hurts and wishes and always-ever-wanting-to-sleep-to-get-away-from-it-all and just feel the beating of your hearts? memory, is a monster i once read: you think you have it? no! it has you.

there are moments when life seems to have flown real fast. my mind auto-deleted the hurts and the pains, believing i partially asked for those and just enjoyed the torture for some time---these are the days when i'd prepare myself to let go of the 'september blues' and forget about the 'creeps'. come september, i'd say---you are wonderful to recall. you are beautiful to remember. you are my favorite mistake.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

echoes and sketches







(far beyond far, deep beyond deep, still beyond still)

and the people cry, goes
“make them see, make them feel!!!”

and the poet spake, so low
“they are all but fools! How can I?
no jesus christ to stand tall amidst…
even then
have eyes, but didn’t see
have ears, but didn’t hear
have system, but didn’t feel…”

“nonsense!”, the people cried
“you might as well try”

and the poet spake, so low
“i might as well do, i’m afraid
no jesus christ i am to suffer amidst…
even then
his most high reverence
his kingdom and glory
his power everlasting

and they walked together, the poet and the people
believing to have conquered all the fears within

and they shouted to the highest
“we will be ! we shall be !
far beyond far like echoes in the night
even then
deep beyond deep as jesus christ’s
still beyond still as sketches in the wall
we will be! we shall be !”

and the people soon felt infirm
one by one they faced the last breath

and the poet wondered
“how could this be ? i’m left alone.
how can i? no jesus christ to die so others may live
even then
so he wrote deep lyrics beyond deep
so he sent echoes of emptiness, far beyond
so he drew sketches of nothingness still

and the poet wandered
clutching lyrics…echoes…sketches

just as i thought
no jesus christ he was
but he lived ‘til the end, the people he passed
even then
life held in love worked far beyond far
deep beyond life, beautiful nothingness
still beyond life, beautiful emptiness

and the people see
and the people feel.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

re-entry 2004


those 4 hours of heaven and hell
those hands of yours on mine
those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday?
or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me...
why did i let go of the moment?
why can't i just stay there with you...
if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and
whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart ---(i carry it in my heart)

mind lessons

there are many many things that would make your mind tick.
i choose to choose thinking than be bored.
i believed that many many many people died because of boredom,
physically and some just died even as they are still somehow alive.
but not too much thinking i say...not too much.
those with migraine bouts should know what i mean.
it may stress a soul too much. too much one may choose boredom in the end---
that i know (i should!) is not an easy sacrifice.

re-entry 051407


for many years i was afraid of you,
whenever i see you, i feel mad
but i couldn't do anything about it,
i just run and hide...sometimes i shout, no shriek!!!
but to no avail, you continue to terrorize me,
like those girls in high school who just don't know they're acting like bullies
by just being together...

i'm 30+ years now and i decided not to be afraid of you anymore,
gone are those days of running and hiding and feeling mad and bad
whenever i see you. this time, i decided to get even... trust me,
when i see you, i won't run and hide nor shriek! i'd get something,
anything to trap you and squash you until you die.
yes! i want you dead! all of you!

and even if it seems that you're dead,
i will pour on poison to your entire body so that i can be sure of your death.
DIE, COCKROACH, DIE!!!

re-entry 060506

for a while now, i have been addicted to thinking...
so much have happened and so much is to be thought of.
years before, my compulsion when these thoughts enter my system is to sleep---
it's the best freedom (or escape)i could ever think of.
but now, i have realized i need to wake up (in and out)
to understand my thoughts and if i dont understand my thoughts...
id let it drift like a true sportsman hehehe...

tsk tsk tsk ... for a while now, i have been addicted to thinking...
what a wonderful addiction this is.
(this is how i felt today--- tomorrow, my thoughts would be different--- perhaps).

Thursday, August 14, 2008

my life so far.


my life so far, is a struggle...against homesickness, motion sickness, migraine/vertigo and dealing with culture shock. while i try to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i wanted to let go. sometimes i find consolation in singing the rosary.

they said there's no need for the CT scan (i had a fall/slip causing head trauma 3 weeks ago) since the skull xray, cbc, optha check all went fine...they believed that all these feelings i have are just in my head or perhaps an effect of separation anxiety...i wish to disagree and insist but the information asymmetry is so strong i couldn't do such.

anyways, i still believe in the power of the mind, that i will be okay if i try to think that i am okay...my family have adjusted to the set-up (my being far, studying) so all i need is to help myself adjust. it's hard emotionally, physically, financially---waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! all i have is my spirit, my love... aja!!!

now, i am serving as a teacher aide/research assistant to an economist : (5 days now and counting) , no pay but the experience i'm sure will be no match to the things i may be able to learn with him.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

every morning- a miracle!


my sunflower days are here again...why is it that just when i'm beginning to forget, there are events that force me to remember these days? life is short, whatever you can do, do it now, you may perhaps never have the chance to do so again...your memory is cruel, it causes aches and pains knowing soon you'd forget or soon you will be forgotten. i say, mind should be used against itself...mind vs body, mind vs matter, mind vs events, mind vs circumstance...life is short indeed but with mind working to your advantage, you will leave this world with no regrets---proceed to other worlds of your liking and happily return via short trips.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

lost for words


why is it that i am loosing my hold of the words that i used to love...why is it that even with reading and hearing i still can't get hold of them and i'm slowly becoming someone who's always lost for words--- tsk tsk tsk...this is not good. this is not good.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

unsent...

i am slowly forgetting you --- and i am not liking it...I want to keep you in my memory. I want to keep you in my heart. why is this memory's such a monster...? One day, I will soon forget...but I don't want to be alive in that one day... You are beautiful...you are smart...you are practically better than I am despite of your illness...you can sing...you can dance, you can even dress yourself modestly yet with good fashion sense at such a young age...I am missing those days of singing and dancing together....I know that you are going away but i tried to deny it and I went on living with you as if you'd be with me forever. My mistake! I should have hugged you more. I should have loved you better. I should have told you that I cared and that I am willing to take care of you...but what did I do? I feel like I made you feel like a nuisance to me in those last days of your life... God, forgive me! Marion, please forgive me...

an episode (sunflower days)


last year, i had an episode of fear - fear of dying... although i have accepted that God may take me anytime 'coz my life is not mine -- that time, i was afraid for my wowa, i was afraid for jovit, i was afraid for everybody... for a week i didn't sleep, i had a foolish feeling that when i close my eyes i may not able to wake up, so i busied myself in writing wills and poetry, and even drawing sunflowers in the bedroom doors , backdoor and front doors using just crayons...i named those days as my SUNFLOWER DAYS...

after more than a year (i laughingly recall), i again felt the same way, for 2 days i felt that the pain in my left side have been staying and leaving me confused... to ease some of my worries, i told jovit (the husband) about it (last year, i suffered alone, jovit was just confused of the not-sleeping-and- crying- part of the episode) and he suggested that we go to my doctor for a check-up. my doctor may have felt my worry even as i was smiling when i entered his clinic... he simply said, "you're not going to die from that pain"

(he didn't know about what happened a year ago, but for some strange reason, i have felt that he knew :) hmmm). he prescribed a medicine to be taken for a week then only if the pain isn't gone would we submit to an ECG. if that day was last year, i would have gone to the adoration chapel and cried my heart out, i would have gone to the faculty room and cleaned the mess in my table i made last week, i would have gone to videocity and rented all the movies i wished i have seen, i would have sent thank-you-smss to my friends and colleagues (which i did last year that somewhow left them wondering why :)) i would have called my ex for a one-night-stand (now, :) that's going too far)... but you know what i did?

i just went to COMELEC and complained that my name was not in the list, and that i'd wait until they find my voting area in their masterlist so i could vote, by hook and by crook...and so they found it, and i was able to vote at high noon, and then a lunch with jovit, and a lazy time reading old issues of readers' digest while watching wowowee.

that time, i wasn't afraid, that time i didn't cry, that time i wasn't mad...i got even. (the i got even part is for the cockroach i saw in the kitchen cabinet, but hey, that would be another blog entry :) (see die, cockroach, die)

when i was about 8 months


when i was about 8 months, my father wrote a poem, i didn't know about this ---'til now when my sister explained the poem that i saw in her blog...the first time i read it i felt the creeps- it is as if i have read the poem somewhere.

i even wondered; was it my poem??? was it my ave's??? i tried to look for answers but didn't see one...so after a couple of days i asked her, she said it was my father's. ha????? for many years i tried to look for even bits of his writings, couldn't find any. i only knew of one title RIGOR MORTIS which was just blurted out by my nanay...theirs is a confusing love affair - a beautiful chaos i would say.

didn't know him much...circumstances forced me not to love him much, but one part of me would somehow look for answers...i started writing since 1988 (was it 1988 when he was brutally killed??? yes) but as to where i got the talent, i am ambivalent---i have no evidences, i have no clues...until now...

here--- (thanks sis, for trying to preserve this treasure)

EPILOGUE

Here I am now.
A man with life uncertain and insecure.
Fighting all odds of political existence.
I walk with DIFFERENT SHADOWS!
And I must learn to live with them.

In this world, there are those who are oppressed.
And there are those who are persecuted
because of their outlook -
towards our social structure...
towards the "SYSTEM"

But as to whether they can endure or resist
is a matter of how unrelenting their principles are -
or how strong their convictions are.
After the SHADOWS... What?

They will never stop shadowing - till they get me.
I'll be living soon in darkness.
Behind BARS perhaps.
Or inside a cold coffin.

But all threats - all intrigues could not cow us.
As long as we are still free to move - WE WILL MOVE.
As long as we still have life - WE WILL HOPE.
Yes, we still hope for a new day's dawn.
The dawn of our freedom.
FREE from dictatorial rule.
The dawn of justice.
FREE from all brutalities.

My fate?
I do not know what awaits me.
I only know I must be brave.

avr/11/03/77

Monday, May 12, 2008

i hate it when it happens


i always have been a believer of 'what you do not know - won't hurt you' and 'what you do not think - won't be' and 'what you do not allow yourself to feel - won't come'...but at this moment, this is way too much to handle (i'm giving this an hour or two of grrr-grrr-indulgence)...

when you invite people to atend a seminar, you have to make sure that it's worth attending; when you tell people that it's worth attending, you have to be sure indeed it is; when you make people pay for a seminar, you have to make sure that the money they spent is worth it, or better yet, that the seminar is worth more than the money they spent; when you say something, promise something, you have to be sure that you mean every word of it.

but booooooo-hooooooo!!! it's frustrating! it's disappointing! it's irritating! when you are supposed to be spending your sunday afternoon with your family, with the money that you spent for snacks and fun rides (or 10 kilos of rice!) coz the seminar, the supposed seminar--- can easily be downloaded from the net, and the speaker, the supposed speaker i have been told have just read the material from the presentation. arrrggghhhh!!! now i am partly to blame for some friends' wasted time.

oh i hate this post, this is almost nonsensical! but i am entitled to be this way once in a while ...i'd be getting over this feeling soon...wahahahahahahaha--- funny what a dream will make you when you wake up....ssssshhhhh!!! this is just a dream...i hope.

Friday, May 2, 2008

what's up --- what's down

what's up with this constant complaining that people seems to can not get hold of... the moment we wake up, we complain of having so many things to do instead of thanking god for giving us another day to do things---tsk tsk tsk... the rule of life is simple, you wake up, do things, try to be happy sleep and try to do the same again tomorrow---well, there are bills to pay and other errands to do, ideas to think? and many others? they are all but part of the simple procedure---so why complain? do it or don't...now am i complaining about complaining??? yes! so i better shut up---or shut down.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

loving the drama


it was just recently and (always in my ever-present past) that i have re-learned and re-appreciated the power of mind, following the law of attraction (reading the book review of The Secret last year, and seeing the docu-type film last week). you are what you think (say, i think, therefore, i am) and you will be what you want if you want it bad, as you will have what you want to have if you wanted it badly or not wanting it badly.

alas! you exert the same amount of energy in loving and hating, as in wanting and not wanting so whichever way, you attract whatever it is that you spend much of your enery on. come to think of it, the people and the events of my life is a product of wanting and not wanting them to be there (with the exception of one or two, of which/whom until now, i can't decipher their reason for existence or non-existence).

it is quite confirmed by richard bach's words (messiah's handbook) - words that sounded like this :all the people and events of your life are there because you have drawn them there, whatever you do to them/it is always up to you. hence, whatever happens to me and my path to bliss in the present, past and future will always be my calling - my option, my choosing. i can choose to be hurt or otherwise, to feel good or otherwise...whichever, whatever.

and (who cares if i start my sentences with "and"?) when this cute alter ego of mine would ask: why are you hurt? why do you feel bad? why do you feel sad? why are you mad? why do you feel these when you can always make yourself feel otherwise? the answer is: "maybe, i am loving the drama."