re-entry 2004

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun
will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart ---
(i carry it in my heart)

-------------------

those 4 hours of heaven and hell those hands of yours on mine those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday? or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me... why did i let go of the moment? why can't i just stay there with you... if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

the end's prime

there in a night solemn and cold where black feathers flew off their nest where heavens gems gave a glow a figured shivered...quivered as it stood while trace of melancholy appeared in hazy shadows 'neath the moon "why oh why" its spirit moaned here the fate of the heart once agog stood with all its throe the soul hoping to find pathos of the everlasting...of the unknown the soul in its havoc flew then thought the sunrise and sunset were coeval...and... death...a prime. and the night grew darker its solemness fell deep the thickest leaf closed in coldness slowly the stars seemed to fall asleep the sky casted a dim - very dim glow tired crows seeking refuge among the branches of the trees that swayed with the breeze the figure shivered...quivered as it stood yet its silhouette remain unfazed the agony of its soul's there still confused pathos...shattered and torn the anguish of its heart stopped 'tho its thoughts then unfathomed suddenly...slowly...a poet's heart...was born.

she is all there is...

how else will you know that she loves you
how else will you know that she cares
when all she is to most is a worker
for wages, for ages, for cages
to lose...

how else will you know that she wants you
how else will you know what she bears
when all she is to most is a mother
for daughter, for sons, for some
to choose...

how else will you know that she needs you
how else will you know what she dares
when all she is to most is a friend
who advises, who cries, who helps
to bemuse...

how else will she know that you love her
how else will she know that you care
when to most all she is is a worker
for wages, for ages, for cages
to lose...

how else will she know that you want her
how else will she share what she bears
when to most all she is is a mother
for her sons and her daughter
to choose...

how else will she know that you need her
how else will you know how she dares
when to most all she is is a friend
who is there to advise and to help
to bemuse...

to bemuse to help to advise her friends
on their worries and their hurts
to dare look into the problem
as if it is that easy...
perhaps it really is

to choose her daughter or sons over some
over some love, she chose to forget
she is a mother most of all
as if it is that easy...
perhaps it really is

to lose herself from the cages by wages
or love or lover whatever ages bring
she cared, she loved, she worked
as if it is that easy...
perhaps it really is

dancing for peace with my bestfriend of the 80s [tb092010]

manila began the celebration (in asia) for earthdance 2010- a global peace festival celebrated in over 500 locations in 80 countries. sept.18th, sun-down to sun-up, Earthdance Manila broadcasted to the world (live via EarthdanceTV) the hours of non-stop dance, music and live art. there were wellness and dance workshops, an eco-bazaar, showcase of indigenous rituals and healing ceremonies too. the event culminated with the Global Synchronized Prayer for Peace at 7am Manila   (4pm California - 8pm Sao Paulo - 12 midnight London - 9am Sydney)...[the whole world (of every race, and religion) prayed at the same time, that's good!]. bantayog ng mga bayani memorial center was the chosen venue (somehow to rekindle the fire of a nation united in its desire for peace, justice and democracy). themed “Embracing All Traditions,” artists of various genres from world music to techno, electronica, jazz, and hiphop fused their styles in jamming...

that night, i was reunited too with my bestfriend in elementary school- marlyn (she went there with her 15-year old son)...the three of us enjoyed the company and the beat as we ate our all-time favorite 'chippy' and as we danced along with the fire dancers, the participants from all over, the pangalay artists circle, and other traditional and ethnic dancers. it's a delightful collision of cultures, faiths, art forms, music and dance! kadangayan, nyko maca with DJ robby sanchez of peace pilipinas, and joey ayala head the stellar line up of performers (including tapati) and sponsor representatives like epi quizon for the dolphy aid. the event has become a convergence of advocacies too... SEARICE promoted their No2GMO with a free feast of eggplant dishes from all over the country; hare krishna demonstrated labor of love in its truest as they (pray and) chant while cooking vegetarian dishes to fire up the artists’ energy for the whole event, and, bagong lumad foundation, partners up for the ISAling Lahi Project- books and audio books of the various tribes and indigenous communities documenting their culture rooted in a deep connection with the environment through songs, stories, and values.  these, and many others were also made more fun-filled with free informal workshops in pangalay, poi dancing, belly dancing, and tribal drumming.

we went home just before midnight (cinderellas-in-the-making), bringing with us memories of the once-in-a-blue-moon event: the friendship reunion in a dance-for-peace drama. whew!

throwback 2010: letters are always heart-warming

here are some of the touching words i got from my friends after the first phase of my "grilling process"---i feel so blessed...

-much love to you afing!!

-Wow. That's a tough day. I'm impressed, though. It seems you handled it very well. If you need help, let me know.

-Oh sweetie...thanks for sharing...You must be under so much stress and it was catching up with you on Sunday! I get like that...usually getting sick after I have been in a very difficult situation or under a lot of stress.I hope it get's a bit better for you now.

-I want badly to just hug and comfort you...I'm here for you......I love you.

-Hooooray for keeping your composure through the grilling process...You have hurdled so many trials in your life that this is just another piece to it. You can do it. You have proven yourself so much. The road ahead may seem to still be hard and just do what you have always done, take one day at a time. Pray, plan and then make action. Whatever happens, you have come so far already. You have achieved so much and sometimes those achievements doesn't manifest in the way that we thought it would be but try looking from a different perspective and then you will realize that in so many ways, you have achieve success in your life.

-Your story and feelings are reminiscent of what I experienced and felt over those years after my proposal presentation. Just like you, I started my ambitious project with high hopes that I would finish it soon. But time and experience taught me a lot of lessons...with the right amount of motivation and inspiration, the process would make you a better person! It would be a humbling experience!

-I wish you could make it. You could make it by March 2011. I am still struggling with my paper also. But I know God is good. He will always help us when we ask Him.

these words, those letters they sent in the past...though most of them just don't realize it, kept me going (through the years). god bless my friends. i love them all.

three rooms in three years (2010 memories)

since i decided to pursue my postgrad in 2008 in the north part of the country (the national capital region), i have lived in three different rooms... all i wanted was a space, good enough for me to be able to do my reading, my thinking, my laundry and ocassional cooking...and yes, some space for once-in-a-while-sleeping (read: i sleep once-in-a-while, but i stay there all-the-time).

first was chosen by an old flame who went all the way from his place in cavite to manila area to find me a room/bedspace conducive enough for my needs yet affordable enough for my budget (the scholarship fund isn't enough you bet). he found a beautiful 3-floor townhouse accepting lady bedspacers for 2000 php each (US$1=45 php). there may be four or six in a well-ventilated, semi-furnished room with one toilet and bath on each. it's a great deal save for-- you have to pay extra for each electronic or electrical gadget you might use and contribution for the gas if you'd be cooking/using the kitchen. lived there for more than a semester til i have to look for another place coz the residents have become too comfy for comfort.

in situations such as that, you have to practice maximum tolerance, especially you are dealing with about twelve people (most in their 20s-some generation gap huh) in just one roof. some may borrow your personal stuff without permission (or belatedly); some may wonder about you and presume things about you (your schedule and way of doing things such as your-wanting-all-your-books-near-you-in-your-bed) without even caring to ask you upfront (honestly, why should they even care as long as you are not using up their space/time); and some may bring in their friends (though friends of the opposite sex aren't allowed to enter bedrooms) playing cards, laughing , giggling and shouting til the wee hours of the morning. the place was beautiful but that (the noise and nighttime gaming events, including the possible SH-invits sssh sssh) went on until you feel like you have to find a new place.

second was a room in a three-bedroom flat near the university. it's an old old building with about 20 units for rent. all i needed was a bedspace (and that time, two other girls from the previous place decided to transfer with me). we have found a room for 4500 php. it's small and dusty. it's bare and the wall paint (one side on cement, one side on wood) is obviously more than a decade old. the provision for kitchen, toilet and bath is shared with residents of  two other rooms. maybe it's the no-curfew, no landlady-in-the-house situation that made us decide to get the room. maybe it's the fact that it's a ride away from the nearest mall, or a walk-away from the university, the hospital and the church or maybe, just maybe it is all we can afford--that would be 1500 php for each of us. cleaning up, putting life-sized landscape posters, we managed to make the room as homey (best-effort) as it can be. lived there for about a year with only some issues not that difficult to handle or disregard.

now that the roommates have left (one graduated from college, the other decided not to take the board exams after failing, hence deciding to work somewhere and somewhat unrelated to her course), i couldn't afford the rent for the entire room. so i transferred to a smaller (smallest!) room - the third, say about two meters long and one meter wide (?).  i have to haggle with the landlord to have me pay 2500 php instead of his initial offer of 3000 php, so he gave in (500 php is about two weeks supply of eggs and instant pancit canton!)-thank goodness.

was it liveable? oh well,  i have to make it that way. cleaning up (with soap, antibac and later floorwax), purchasing a small electric fan and recycling old CDs and magazines made it look less of a staircase-storeroom. being alone isn't that bad at all, in fact, it is way better. it's like having your own world...up to the time that you need to answer the call of nature. snap! back to earth. inday, put on your bathrobe 'coz the boyfriend or the father of another housemate or the nephews or the aide of the landlord may be just on the common area, you don't wanna be seen in your usual-almost-see-through-pjs, dontcha?! haaayyy

...the wall drawings that you are seeing are my almost-hopeless efforts to make the second room/bath a little homey. armed with just a pint of pink paint (one housemate had her on-job-training at boysen paint, how she got it is another story :) ), i did the deed one very hot dawn...

loved the pacific rim!

Something out there discovered us.

 ---

In order to fight monsters, 

we created monsters of our own.  

We needed a new weapon. 

---

Today at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time.  

We have chosen to believe in each other!  

Today we face the monsters that are at our door. 

Today we are cancelling the apocalypse.

 ---

They counted on the humans to hide, to give up, to fail.  

They never considered our ability to stand, to endure, 

that we’d rise to the challenge.

 ---

Let’s go fishin’.

new beginnings...

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, 
and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting 
and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes 
and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields 
and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

ninoy fell in love with her 3x

Fashion Rev for KaE too!

Fashion Rev is a fashion and lifestyle bazaar 

happening on November 19 and 20, 

10am to 10pm at the Megatent (beside ULTRA).

Aside from being a beneficiary of a portion

of the profits of this event, KaEskwela will be there!

We will sell books and comics, and distribute flyers.

See you there!!!

the promise...

show me no tears my dearest

i shall be back soon

this goodbye is not forever

we're under the same moon

sing no sad songs my dearest

my ears are tired of them

make no promises if ever

'tis a rose without a stem

i may be very far my dearest

but i shall be back soon

this goodbye is not forever

we're under the same moon.

space for hope

not tens but hundreds
not hundreds but thousands
not toys but real people
---...flesh and blood
i wasn't gifted with sound eyes
but something inside me
saw those...clearly

not hundreds but thousands
not thousands but millions
not records but real voices
---...rose in anguish
i wasn't gifted with sound ears
but something inside me
heard those...clearly

i saw the flesh---the blood
i heard the cry---the pain
though numbness filled my system
---...i saw and heard
saw and heard those clearly
but something inside me
whispered...be silent

though i saw the flesh and the blood
though i heard the cry of pain
though it's unmistakably clear
---...i couldn't do a thing
it's these eyes...and these ears
and it's the something inside me
who couldn't...who wouldn't

how can i---in the midst
of the crowd's altercation
in a world once a haven
---...now desolated and forlorn
how can i in the midst
of the deafening silence
of unexplainable darkness

i have a heart---a heart once cold
i have a soul---a soul once lost
i know, i know, i feel i have
---...with all these
i saw and heard and felt
but something inside me
just couldn't...wouldn't

i tried so many times
many many many times
but i just couldn't
---...couldn't help though i tried
not ten times but hundreds
not hundreds but thousands
not thousands but millions.

mother, it is not your fault

mother...it is not your fault
the deepest deepest love
the deepest deepest wound
beyond knowledge, beyond action
beyond measure, beyond pain
you tightened the bind 'coz she needs it
you loosened the bind 'coz she wants it
and she longed and called for
the deepest deepest love
the deepest deepest wound
have you felt the pain
as if it is your own
make her remember that the
stars are brighter when the
nights are darker...

why so much hurt and so much pain
why so many roads and almost nothing
remains of you and your beautiful soul
beyond reason, beyond words
you tightened the bind 'coz she wants it
you loosened the bind 'coz she needs it
this time she longed and called for
the shallowest of curses
the shallowest of all
you have felt the pain
as if it is your own
made her remember that the
end of road is nearer when the
path seems rougher...

the deepest deepest love
the deepest deepest wound
something remains of your beautiful soul
beyond reason, beyond words
you tightened the bind 'coz you need it
you loosened the bind 'coz you want it
this time you cried and pleaded for
the deepest deepest love and
the deepest deepest cure
she has felt the pain
the way you did your own
make her remember that the
battle is fought and yes mother
it is not your fault.

some good things never last

it's three in the morning
you're nowhere in sight




and all that I wanted was to be with you tonight

i've watched love get closer
and then fade away
i've seen you believe in me
i've seen you trying to stay


but what good is holding on
when you know that all
you can think about ...

...is letting go


they say if you love someone
then set them free
if they come back again
then in the end, it was meant to be

i thought we were lovers
i thought we were friends
i guess when reality steps in...
the dreaming ends

we live for the future
we learn from the past
no matter how hard we try
some good things never last

be true to yourself, my love
that's all I ever wanted you to be
just don't forget to smile
when you think of me

i' ll reach for the stars
i have got them in sight
there's someone who really needs me
out there in the night

we'll live for the future
we'll learn from the past
no matter how hard we try
some good things never last


why can't they last?

***beautiful beautiful song ...sang by barbra streisand
haunts me each time i hear it...hurts me each time i sing it...

***The School of Satchel Launches ‘S.O.S PLEDGES’ Program in cooperation with KaEskwela Inc.

The School of Satchel (S.O.S), a Filipino leather goods brand, launches ‘S.O.S PLEDGES’ in partnership with KaEskwela Inc. which promises to give a school bag to a KaEskwela beneficiary for every purchase from S.O.S’ new premium collection available this month.

S.O.S is known for its hand-crafted vintage style leather satchels from genuine cow hide.  The brand’s products are made by Philippine craftsmen, are hand-cut and assembled manually.  S.O.S endeavors to support Philippine leather industries by using Pinoy leather and local manufacturing.

While living in the United Kingdom , Bianca Donato, the sole proprietor of S.O.S, saw firsthand how fortunate their public school students are since tuition fees, school supplies, meals and transportation are subsidized by the government. Bianca’s describes her motivation behind the program, “In the UK, students could focus more on their schoolwork and not worry about making ends meet.  Here education remains a privilege to a certain few which shouldn’t be the case.   We still have a long way to go and we can do our part by supporting organizations such as KaEskwela that aims to provide equal educational opportunities to all.”

The School of Satchel can be purchased online via http://thschoolofsatchel.multiply.com/.  Also available at Heima Stores (N. Garcia, Makati and Cubao Expo), Analog Soul in TriNoma and Vanity Without Apology in Pop Culture, Alabang Town Center

You may also check out http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.153990894675204.38971.115788898495404&type=1 

***This article is a repost 
from Kaeskwela mailgroup.

my TOP 10 favorite quotes from TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER (a story within the watchmen story, all quoted from the sea captain)

1. How had I reached this appalling position with love, 

only love, as my guide? 

2.  My raft had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation.
Adrift, my darkest imaginings welled up unchecked,
spilling from brain to heart like ink.
Impossible to remove. 

3.  There came an understanding so large, 

it left no room for sanity. 

So I ran. 

The knowledge of my damnation chased me, 

shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. 

4. One of my crew lay ahead. Birds were eating his thoughts and memories. 

5. Whoever we are, wherever we reside, we exist on the whim of murderers. 

6. God has damned me. 

God has damned us all. 

Truly, life is hell, 

and 

death's rough hand her only deliverance.

7. Know this my friends: Hades is wet. Hades is lonely.
And in that instant, we knew each other.

8. I headed east. East, borne on the bodies of murdered men. 

Hope can be a horrible thing.

9.I was a horror; amongst horrors must I dwell...

10. Noble intentions had led me to atrocity. 

The righteous anger fueling my ingenious awful scheme 

was but delusion. 

Where was my error? 

give justice to the victims, not direct anger at the weak

These are lines of a longer article from this page... http://www.zonaeuropa.com/20100829_1.htm ... One friend said the identity of the writer isn't confirmed yet (was this supposed impostor this good of a storyteller??? ). Another said, no victim of such name exists. Fake or not, these lines comes really close to what most of us feel recently.

I kept thinking about what turned a former excellent policeman into a cold-blooded killer? Didn't he have any reservations? Didn't he worry about his own family? What drove him to such desperate straits? Why did he have to choose to take hostages in order to force the government to review his case? Is there no way of making an appeal in that country?

I realized finally that even though I had some colleagues from the Philippines, I and most Hong Kong people know almost nothing about that country. There are more than one hundred thousand Filipina domestic helpers in Hong Kong and they live with our families. But we have never cared about this country and its people who provide us with a large number of cheap laborers. We know that the Philippines is poor and that is why they export domestic workers all over the world. But how poor? I checked and I found out that one-third of its people live below the poverty line. Killings and kidnapping occur on a daily basis. Under such circumstances, why kind of life do the people have? I remembered that two days before the hijacking, our schedule included a visit to a flower car factory. There we smelled a foul odor. The tour guide pointed to the outside of the factory wall. There was a mountain of garbage out there. Many young children were picking through the garbage to make their living. This made us sad and speechless.


After returning to Hong Kong, I learned that there had been quite a bit of anti-Philippines talk in Hong Kong over the past several days. On the Internet, someone proposed revenge by sending all Filipina domestic helpers home so that their country would plunge into economic hardship. I learned that Filipina domestic helpers were insulted in the streets, with the Philippines being referred to as the "nation of slaves" and the "nation of servants." I can understand that the citizens are incredibly angry with the Philippines government and police. I feel the same way myself. But what has this got to do with the people of the Philippines?


Have we forgotten what it feels like to be discriminated against? Hong Kong was a colonized society for a long time, with the Chinese being discriminated against by the so-called "masters" within the system and their daily lives. But now some Hong Kong people turn around to speak like slave-owners that "We hired so many Filipinas so we are their bosses" and "it was an act of benevolence to hire you so how dare you offend your superiors" against the Filipina domestic helpers who had nothing whatsoever to do with the Manila hostage incident itself. This is just appalling.


The Filipina domestic helpers are the victims of their incompetent government, which was unable to provide a decent living for its people. That is why so many Filipinas have to leave their families. They work to take care of other's children while leaving their own children behind. So why should the Filipina domestic helpers in Hong Kong serve as the scapegoats of their incompetent government? Why are some Hong Kong people angry but also being racist?


Even more incomprehensibly, the Hong Kong government has just announced at this time that the wages of all domestic helpers (including Filipinas) will continue to be frozen. This means that the foreign domestic helpers cannot share the fruits of the economic recovery. Is our government exploiting the situation? Would the government care to tell us about their standards and system for determining wage levels for foreign domestic helpers? Their actions right now carry the impression that the government wants to punish the foreign domestic helpers. This is no help towards relieving anti-Philippines sentiments. A friend quoted the words of Lu Xun: When the brave become angry, they draw their knives at those even stronger; when the meek become angry, they draw their knives at those even weaker. Do the people of Hong Kong only know to draw their knives against the weak?


Over the past several days, Hong Kong has been both angry and sad over this Manila hostage incident. Although I have not discussed with other team members, I am sure that we are grateful for the concern and support of the citizens. But the way to comfort the souls of the dead is not to blame the innocent Filipina domestic helpers and the people of the Philippines. Our focus should be clearly on the Philippines government and its police. We want a fair and proper investigation. We want to an account of the responsibility in the incident. We want to provide for the future of the injured persons as well as the families of the deceased. This is how we show our concern for the casualties in this incident.


In the long run, we should support the people of the Philippines to build a more trustworthy government and a more just society. This is how Hong Kong truly becomes a member of the international community and a cosmopolitan city with humanitarian concerns.

woes as the school opens

june came quite fast. yesterday t'was just march. hmmm. in the last two months i rushed rushed rushed so i'd have at least a mile early from my target (paper for school), but whew! thing's aren't that easy. the only consolation i have is that i'm still alive and still am strong to move forward and try to finish what i have started. reminds me of my wail a year ago (money money!!! money- it can buy happiness sometimes).

i tried having a 2-week off so i can sort things out in the house, to basically prepare my boyman wowa for his 'grade 3 schooling' and all. i have to be sure that he had his flu vaccine, that he is continuously having his swimming lessons, that his papa and him are doing okay at home with their usual 'without-me routines'.

everything seems fine, i am having an 'almost-okay-vacay' when the nanny suddenly announced her intention to continue her college education. that only means she has to leave us. oh, that's okay with me, coz i have been encouraging her to pursue that, reminding her that time is of the essence so she has to save enough but woh! i never thought she'd decide to pursue it in her father's place (education is way cheaper there, haaay).

so with about a week before i go back to finishing my paper miles away from home (about 2-hour plane ride), i am now trying to put things together to prepare my boyman and his papa and everything that i can, this time with some extra changes---'coz they won't have someone (yet) to assist them. i am shaken. i am worried. but. . . i am hopeful. everything will be alright.

pronounced miracles in the philippines

in a country joked as 'no losers during elections, coz those who lost were cheated', candidates who accepted their fate as the vote-counts came in and congratulated their winning opponents early is a miracle. (to be continued...)