October 2009: das ist die Frage!

THIS WAS THROWNBACK AS I AM AGAIN IN A VERY DARK PLACE...
FELY IS DEAD, SHE'S KEEPING HER SECRETS TO HER GRAVE.

am i really the alfie girl that you were looking for? what do we need to do to prove this? do we need to prove this? are the words of a dying man enough? what do you think? what do you feel? ...in my conversation with you, i can't help but want to hug you for being so strong and for acting detached the way you knew how. the talk was heavy and i was crying a river...

i have to let you know why i couldn't push this matter any longer. i have to make you see how i feel and how would she feel if i keep on bringing the matter that she has easily dismissed...what more can we do? what more can we talk of? will it be so bad for me, for you, for all of us to just let this river take its own course?

sad thing is, there were sadness, pains and regrets accompanying these questions. there are memories touched that brushed the big scars that i once thought was totally healed...i keep reminding myself that memories are monsters and that the mind should always be stronger than those memories...why do i allow myself to feel this way again?

 what's it all about alfie? is this just for one moment we live? what's it all about when you sort it out alfie? are we meant to take more than we give? are we meant to be kind? what is this all about alfie? that is the question.

my TOP 10 favorite quotes from TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER (a story within the watchmen story, all quoted from the sea captain)

1. How had I reached this appalling position with love, 

only love, as my guide? 

2.  My raft had grown increasingly grotesque, reflecting my own transformation.
Adrift, my darkest imaginings welled up unchecked,
spilling from brain to heart like ink.
Impossible to remove. 

3.  There came an understanding so large, 

it left no room for sanity. 

So I ran. 

The knowledge of my damnation chased me, 

shouting, celebrating it's awful victory. 

4. One of my crew lay ahead. Birds were eating his thoughts and memories. 

5. Whoever we are, wherever we reside, we exist on the whim of murderers. 

6. God has damned me. 

God has damned us all. 

Truly, life is hell, 

and 

death's rough hand her only deliverance.

7. Know this my friends: Hades is wet. Hades is lonely.
And in that instant, we knew each other.

8. I headed east. East, borne on the bodies of murdered men. 

Hope can be a horrible thing.

9.I was a horror; amongst horrors must I dwell...

10. Noble intentions had led me to atrocity. 

The righteous anger fueling my ingenious awful scheme 

was but delusion. 

Where was my error?