The Weight of the Distance: A PhD Journey

The year was 2008, but if I close my eyes, I can still smell the distinct scent of old books and humid rain that defines the University of Santo Tomas (UST) campus. To the outside world, I was a woman of opportunity—a scholar handpicked by Marist for a full ride. But inside, I was a mother living in a state of constant, quiet fracture.

My son was only six years old then. While I was navigating the rigorous corridors of Manila, my heart was 1,000 kilometers away in General Santos City.

The Double Burden of Ambition and Worry. Deciding to leave took me a full year of agonizing. When I finally said yes, I didn't realize that the hardest part wasn't the academic rigor; it was the homesickness. It wasn't just a longing for home; it was a physical ache. Every time my phone rang, my breath would catch. My son was asthmatic, and in the quiet of my Manila dorm, my mind would spiral: Is he breathing okay? Did they remember his nebulizer? Does he think I’ve abandoned him for a degree?

I spent four years as a ghost in my own life—
physically present in the library, but spiritually hovering over a bed in GenSan.
Today, those four years feel like a blur,
a "yesterday" that taught me the true meaning of sacrifice.

To the Mothers on the Same Road. If you are currently juggling the roles of researcher, teacher, wife, household treasurer, and student, I see you. The "mental load" you carry is heavier than any academic paperwork. Here is what I wish I could have told my 2008 self:

Forgive Your Divided Heart: You will feel guilty when you are studying because you aren't with your child. You will feel guilty when you are with your child because you aren't studying. Acceptance is your only shield: realize that being a "good mother" and an "ambitious scholar" are not mutually exclusive. You are modeling resilience for them.

The "Treasurer" Must Outsource: You cannot be the CEO of the household and a Ph D student simultaneously without breaking. If someone offers to help with the bills, the groceries, or the school runs—say yes. Pride is a heavy burden to carry alongside a struggle for a higher degree.

Trust the Roots You Planted: I worried my absence would break my bond with my son. It didn't. Children are remarkably perceptive. They see your hard work, and eventually, your "absence" transforms into an inspiring story of perseverance in their eyes.

A Year of Decision is Not Wasted Time: If it takes you a long time to decide to pursue your dream, that’s okay. It means you are weighing the cost. Once you commit, let that weight fuel your drive rather than pull you down.

Breathe Through the "Asthma" of Life: Just as I worried about my son's breathing, remember to check your own. The PhD is a marathon, not a sprint. If you feel like you’re suffocating under the pressure, step out of the library and call home. That voice on the other end is your "why."

The struggle of 2008 forged the woman I am today. The degrees on my CV is meaningful, but the fact that we survived the distance is my true greatest achievement.

OB rocks

It’s when students have tried their very best 

to prove they actually learned something and that 

their exit paper is worth your 5 to 10 minutes... 

Afterwards, they recall all your discussions in class and 

see if they make sense when answering your questions 

or sometimes ask questions related to a concept discussed. 

All those hours of talks, arguments, 

sharing moments sprinkled with laughter and tears, 

and multitasking gone wrong. 

Oh well, last day of the semester... and they're still there. 

 

What an honor to be part
of their academic journey. 🔥

pambangunan --> development [re-entry 2009]

My classmate told us recently that in Indonesia, 'development' is near-term to 'pagbangunan'. I can't help but notice that it has a similarity to our tagalog term 'pagbangon' which means 'to arise'...hmmm, then it must be how development is best viewed: to become better than before, to be more 'coz you are able to do more for more.

However, economic development does not dwell only in the quantitative aspects but on the other non-measurable aspects as well. Economic development is both a policy objective and a means to achieving other policy goals, such as full employment, poverty alleviation, egalitarianism, and social progress.

When asked by Dr. Loanzon to give our own views of development, my usual way is to somehow understand what it is not. I always insist that economic development, though closely related to, is not identical with economic growth. Growth in real GDP is a necessary but not a sufficient condition for development. An economy may show a sound growth rate but may still fall well short of development. Neither is a high per capita income an important indicator of development. There are Muslim kingdoms with a remarkably high per capita income but still lack in the prerequisites of development.

Moreover, I can not equate development with a term for 'equal-footing'. Narrowed gap between ‘have’ and ‘have-nots’ is both a component of the development process and its goal. It was possible for underdevelopment and egalitarianism to co-exist as in the case of primitive societies. Meanwhile, a highly developed economy may have gross inequalities, take US with a Gini of 40+.

What is economic development then? Economic development is growth in GDP accompanied by relevant social and institutional changes where growth can be sustained too. These changes include reduction in absolute poverty (or whatever it is you want to call it), a better quality of life (you know what I mean), development of physical and commercial infrastructure (even as it not sky-high), higher savings, increase in employment opportunities, high literacy level (the true one), improved productivity of labor and other factors of production, somewhat-sophisticated techniques of production, a more positive attitude towards life and work, and (please, please)a stable political system.

Now ain't that sounding very profound? Real question is: Can we...? Will we...? Are we...?

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

Reply to Query: Towards a Much Higher Education

The academic tasks of graduate school are just a third of the entire thing. Here you are tasked to read and critique journals, answer questions in front of your classmates who are practitioners too, research, prepare and present concepts and cases, review, synthesize and pass regular exams then prepare exit requirements that are like an undergrad thesis.

The second 3rd is the comprehensive exams which are also called the great divider, coz the results will determine whether you can go on to the last 3rd. Here you have to prove that you remembered all the concepts in all the major subjects you took, somewhat like the board exams. Passing ALL the subjects in the compre would mean taking to the next level (but of course, for non-thesis masters degree students, an industry paper and added subjects in the compre would be the difference).

Then comes the preparation of the 3 concept papers which takes several months and weeks of waiting for acceptance. Once one of the 3 is approved, a proposal for research is expected which would take another semester (for some, years). Then comes the proposal defense, facing the panel to convince them that you are indeed equipped to finish a research that would add to the literature or produce answers to some of life's questions or solutions to some of life's problems or implications to some of the existing policies and concerns. The results may either be accepted, rejected, or subject for re-examination and/or re-defense. Once accepted, you go through the rigorous research process for a year (for some, years) then go through the same panel defense again.

The doctor's degree is another thing, which somehow would take the same process, only that it would be much more comprehensive. Readings are doubled or tripled, presentations much longer and wider in coverage and exams more nerve-cracking.

Fast forward to comprehensive exams then dissertation work... For some universities, a public forum or plenary presentation is required before you are allowed to have your proposal defense... and a publication in an international journal is required before you are allowed to go through the final defense of your 3-part or 4-part dissertation which you are also bound to present in public for dissemination and utilization.

Graduate school is not for everyone (what I really meant was, it is not for the faint of heart). It is not even only for those who have high IQ... it requires higher EQ and FQ and AQ and SQ and whatever else. What's more challenging is the mandate to always produce scholarly works or else feel like you are not deserving of your degree... and the call to always be humble and see people and circumstances in a much wider and deeper perspective. If you know of some who do not act that way, and possibly didn't go through the same process but acts like a know-it-all, then it's a personality thing :) After all, there are public servants who do not serve the public and church people who also defend the violators of the 10 commandments. Ganun lang

one saturday of my life [tb080810]

i was terrified.
i don't know you.
you don't know me.
earth swallow me.
i was AMBITIOUS.
i better go around the world --
and take it from there.

sleeping was a challenge
this time i cried.
but yes, i'm fine.

goodbye march 2011.

i teach best what i most need to learn [tb091410]

on the 16th i'd be presenting my paper in a national conference. i have been teaching for 12 years now, but still i can't help but feel nervous everytime  i speak. others say they hardly notice my nerves when i speak---pft! that's because they can't feel me shivering and sweating, they don't see me vomitting the day and a couple of hours before, thay don't hear me asking the moon to take me or the earth to swallow me...

if i'd have the chance to talk to me today, here's my script:

stop those negative thoughts sakura! negative thoughts will kill whatever confidence you have left in that weird system of yours. what negative things you say to yourself, about yourself, inside your head is probably worse than anything else other people say to you. STOP! it doesn't help you thinking that way. STOP! those things in your head---they are not real! your audience are people too. they are just curious. if one is sarcastic, just think that he/she may have had a rough childhood/or may be having a midlife crisis. if one is irking you, smile and politely answer him/her what you know. you know more, you know better 'coz that's your work. goodluck and hey, if you come out alive afterwards (i'm sure you will), have an icecream and dance as if no one's watching...blah blah blah.

another tiring-yet-fun class-work [tb031210]

sunday, march 7th, we went to candaba pampanga. my professor, my classmates and I were excited to see what's in store. it was a fieldwork cum culinary tour in the making :).

the journey from manila to the site was great, seeing both rural and urban setting of the north side of the country. pampanga is not only famous for the bird sanctuary but also for the culinary expertise of the local folks.

we wasted not a moment of that one-day event. birds were fun to look at, so is the lake full of beautiful lotus flowers and lilies. snack was wow(bibingka, espasol, chicharon, buko drink). tilapia-fishing and duck-watching is an old-yet-ever-new-experience.

we were (I am) noisy as we rode the carabao cart at high noon, for 33 minutes. lunch- awesome (chicken souped in green mangoes, steamed veggies, grilled fish and lotsa fruits).

we learned a lot from our talks with the folks in the area: their living a simple life, their agricultural concerns, their trying to help each other via cooperative and their hopes of preserving their way of life but coping with the growth of the economy.

we went on our way back to manila but we had a freak-accident in baliuag area (that would be another story) so we stayed for a bit in one of my classmate's brother's house (very nice house). they were hospitable (served us icecream-yummy!). one stop-over in the best hotel-resort there is on bulacan (8waves) then to bed, exhausted yet smiling of the memories of our (mis)adventures.

ouch! the market failed?

a former student asked me... what's market failure? i say, it's just around...i may have laughed answering it but it's true...market failure is a concept (within economic theory) describing that situation when the allocation of goods and services by a free market is not efficient. by 'not efficient', i meant, there exists another possible or conceivable outcome where a market participant may be made better-off without making someone else worse-off... it may be viewed as scenarios where an individuals' pursuit of self-interest leads to results that are not efficient – that can be improved upon from the societal point-of-view...

then he asked, what are the sources of market failure?... i say there are many but to name some we can start with (1)  public goods --- a public good is one, which if provided to one consumer, is freely available to all consumers like the street lights, parks and roads. this means no private firm is able to make a profit from providing such goods.  hence, government should ensure that such goods are provided at the socially desired level. another is (2) income distribution --- the market does not ensure equitable distribution of incomes. this may motivate government to put in place some policies to redistribute wealth through measures like income taxes.

then there's (3) monopoly --- the operations of monopoly (or natural monopoly) more often than not result in misuse of market power (inefficient allocation of resources too which reduce community welfare). here, at times, governments regulate monopoly and enforce laws preventing cartels. then the most famous (for those with background in economics) (4) externalities --- an externality arises when an activity confers a benefit (like the benefit of research or vaccine) or imposes a cost (pollution) on a third party, without the cost or benefit being included in the market price of that activity...

and saving for last is the most common (5) information asymmetries ---supposedly, buyers and sellers in a competitive market have complete knowledge about a product or service characteristics and quality but this is not always true in the real world... information asymmetries between producers and consumers can lead to market failure and reduce community welfare.. this is the part when WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW WON'T HURT YOU doesn't work... 'coz believe me, it does!

throwback 2010: letters are always heart-warming

here are some of the touching words i got from my friends after the first phase of my "grilling process"---i feel so blessed...

-much love to you afing!!

-Wow. That's a tough day. I'm impressed, though. It seems you handled it very well. If you need help, let me know.

-Oh sweetie...thanks for sharing...You must be under so much stress and it was catching up with you on Sunday! I get like that...usually getting sick after I have been in a very difficult situation or under a lot of stress.I hope it get's a bit better for you now.

-I want badly to just hug and comfort you...I'm here for you......I love you.

-Hooooray for keeping your composure through the grilling process...You have hurdled so many trials in your life that this is just another piece to it. You can do it. You have proven yourself so much. The road ahead may seem to still be hard and just do what you have always done, take one day at a time. Pray, plan and then make action. Whatever happens, you have come so far already. You have achieved so much and sometimes those achievements doesn't manifest in the way that we thought it would be but try looking from a different perspective and then you will realize that in so many ways, you have achieve success in your life.

-Your story and feelings are reminiscent of what I experienced and felt over those years after my proposal presentation. Just like you, I started my ambitious project with high hopes that I would finish it soon. But time and experience taught me a lot of lessons...with the right amount of motivation and inspiration, the process would make you a better person! It would be a humbling experience!

-I wish you could make it. You could make it by March 2011. I am still struggling with my paper also. But I know God is good. He will always help us when we ask Him.

these words, those letters they sent in the past...though most of them just don't realize it, kept me going (through the years). god bless my friends. i love them all.

three rooms in three years (2010 memories)

since i decided to pursue my postgrad in 2008 in the north part of the country (the national capital region), i have lived in three different rooms... all i wanted was a space, good enough for me to be able to do my reading, my thinking, my laundry and ocassional cooking...and yes, some space for once-in-a-while-sleeping (read: i sleep once-in-a-while, but i stay there all-the-time).

first was chosen by an old flame who went all the way from his place in cavite to manila area to find me a room/bedspace conducive enough for my needs yet affordable enough for my budget (the scholarship fund isn't enough you bet). he found a beautiful 3-floor townhouse accepting lady bedspacers for 2000 php each (US$1=45 php). there may be four or six in a well-ventilated, semi-furnished room with one toilet and bath on each. it's a great deal save for-- you have to pay extra for each electronic or electrical gadget you might use and contribution for the gas if you'd be cooking/using the kitchen. lived there for more than a semester til i have to look for another place coz the residents have become too comfy for comfort.

in situations such as that, you have to practice maximum tolerance, especially you are dealing with about twelve people (most in their 20s-some generation gap huh) in just one roof. some may borrow your personal stuff without permission (or belatedly); some may wonder about you and presume things about you (your schedule and way of doing things such as your-wanting-all-your-books-near-you-in-your-bed) without even caring to ask you upfront (honestly, why should they even care as long as you are not using up their space/time); and some may bring in their friends (though friends of the opposite sex aren't allowed to enter bedrooms) playing cards, laughing , giggling and shouting til the wee hours of the morning. the place was beautiful but that (the noise and nighttime gaming events, including the possible SH-invits sssh sssh) went on until you feel like you have to find a new place.

second was a room in a three-bedroom flat near the university. it's an old old building with about 20 units for rent. all i needed was a bedspace (and that time, two other girls from the previous place decided to transfer with me). we have found a room for 4500 php. it's small and dusty. it's bare and the wall paint (one side on cement, one side on wood) is obviously more than a decade old. the provision for kitchen, toilet and bath is shared with residents of  two other rooms. maybe it's the no-curfew, no landlady-in-the-house situation that made us decide to get the room. maybe it's the fact that it's a ride away from the nearest mall, or a walk-away from the university, the hospital and the church or maybe, just maybe it is all we can afford--that would be 1500 php for each of us. cleaning up, putting life-sized landscape posters, we managed to make the room as homey (best-effort) as it can be. lived there for about a year with only some issues not that difficult to handle or disregard.

now that the roommates have left (one graduated from college, the other decided not to take the board exams after failing, hence deciding to work somewhere and somewhat unrelated to her course), i couldn't afford the rent for the entire room. so i transferred to a smaller (smallest!) room - the third, say about two meters long and one meter wide (?).  i have to haggle with the landlord to have me pay 2500 php instead of his initial offer of 3000 php, so he gave in (500 php is about two weeks supply of eggs and instant pancit canton!)-thank goodness.

was it liveable? oh well,  i have to make it that way. cleaning up (with soap, antibac and later floorwax), purchasing a small electric fan and recycling old CDs and magazines made it look less of a staircase-storeroom. being alone isn't that bad at all, in fact, it is way better. it's like having your own world...up to the time that you need to answer the call of nature. snap! back to earth. inday, put on your bathrobe 'coz the boyfriend or the father of another housemate or the nephews or the aide of the landlord may be just on the common area, you don't wanna be seen in your usual-almost-see-through-pjs, dontcha?! haaayyy

...the wall drawings that you are seeing are my almost-hopeless efforts to make the second room/bath a little homey. armed with just a pint of pink paint (one housemate had her on-job-training at boysen paint, how she got it is another story :) ), i did the deed one very hot dawn...

struggle to snuggle

have just arrived to my workplace. i love being here, especially the thought that there was once... i was away from here for years... from all that's giving me 'comfort from familiarity'... change was never my instant friend...but i learned to manage... and accept that jose mari chan was right- life, indeed, is a constant change :) these recent changes makes me sleep (how's that for a change?)... remembering one dawn in february (25th), 3 years ago...

i slept 2:33am. that's practically friday already. i has a long talk with my boy-man wowa before midnight. he's irked by the fact that he was trying his best to sleep (i told him to do so coz he is still recuperating from flu symptoms) but he failed. when he called he was crying in frustration. i told him to just let it out and stop afterwards.

you see, it's always fun to have long talks with him. topics would range from his feelings of longing and loneliness- to his newly-read jokes- to his school activities and his feelings about his papa. we also sometimes talk about the people in the bible, his techniques in trying to sleep, how to deal with young girls in school, climate change and future business prospects.

i asked him if he wants to hear the german version of 'hail mary' (they usually recite the prayer in school, yes, he is studying in a catholic school). he said yes. i tried singing it the slowest possible way so he'd feel really sleepy, it's almost midnight after all. he stopped me in the middle and said he'd rather hear me talk and that he misses me a lot i should go home. that made me feel sad. and so we have no way to go but to start discussing about my studies (again) and the trade-offs people sometimes do for growth. then the celphone battery signalled to be dying soon :) so we just said goodnight and wished each other luck in our "struggle to snuggle".

as i read my notes while watching late night show, i prayed that he is sound asleep by then. as always, i worry, but worrying won't do me any good i realized. the thought made me sleepy and i slept indeed. woke up 5:33am and have myself ready for my daily research routine. oh well, this is another friday (thanks goodness i woke up again).

oh, so much for remembering... thanks heavens, we seldom sleep apart from each other now :)

end of journey- finally!

from thoughts to paper to thoughts once more

prison without walls

prison without walls.

prison without.

walls.

still.

write towards immortality.

write towards.

write.

still.

write to break free

from prison

without

walls.

prison without walls.

write eternity.

be free.

where is the bend in this road?

3 economists bagged 2010 nobel

in 2009, the prize for economic sciences was awarded to two american economists: Professor Elinor Ostrom (Indiana University), the first woman to receive the prize; and Oliver Williamson, (retired professor from the University of California). this year, three economists will share the 2010 Nobel Prize for their work on how government policy affects unemployment

the nobel goes to Peter Diamond of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge; Dale Mortensen of Northwestern University in Evanston.; and Christopher Pissarides of the London School of Economics and Political Sciences. this is for their research on how economic policy affects the job market. their theories offered help in understanding the ways in which unemployment, job vacancies, and wages are affected by regulation and economic policy as the research focused on so-called "frictions," or impediments to trade, such as misinformation, cost of transportation or the disparity between companies' and employees' needs.

see full story here ---money.cnn.com/2010/10/11/news/economy/nobel_prize_economics/index.htm?hpt=T2

from me to me: congratulations!



CONGRATULATIONS SAKURA!
you made it! see?
 i was right, you can do it without loosing your grip.
i know you'd do well but... you just don't believe in yourself
the way that i do (belive in you)
why is that?
when you know that you have prepared for that
and did your best (as you always do).
has the world been so unkind that you just can't trust it fully anymore?
keep on believing sakura.
keep on doing your best and keep on wanting to
make a difference in this world
the way you knew how.



woes as the school opens

june came quite fast. yesterday t'was just march. hmmm. in the last two months i rushed rushed rushed so i'd have at least a mile early from my target (paper for school), but whew! thing's aren't that easy. the only consolation i have is that i'm still alive and still am strong to move forward and try to finish what i have started. reminds me of my wail a year ago (money money!!! money- it can buy happiness sometimes).

i tried having a 2-week off so i can sort things out in the house, to basically prepare my boyman wowa for his 'grade 3 schooling' and all. i have to be sure that he had his flu vaccine, that he is continuously having his swimming lessons, that his papa and him are doing okay at home with their usual 'without-me routines'.

everything seems fine, i am having an 'almost-okay-vacay' when the nanny suddenly announced her intention to continue her college education. that only means she has to leave us. oh, that's okay with me, coz i have been encouraging her to pursue that, reminding her that time is of the essence so she has to save enough but woh! i never thought she'd decide to pursue it in her father's place (education is way cheaper there, haaay).

so with about a week before i go back to finishing my paper miles away from home (about 2-hour plane ride), i am now trying to put things together to prepare my boyman and his papa and everything that i can, this time with some extra changes---'coz they won't have someone (yet) to assist them. i am shaken. i am worried. but. . . i am hopeful. everything will be alright.

writer's block (doh)

according to wikipedia- WRITER'S BLOCK is a condition, associated with writing as a profession in which an author losses the ability to produce new work. the condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial , a temporary difficulty of dealing with the task in hand. at the other extreme, some "blocked" writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers. . .okay. okay! haaaaaayyy, i' m so having it now. after writing this starting statement, i have to go back to 'lower case' everything, for some reason, i forgot that  i intend not to use upper case in my blogspot unless extremely needed. why? --style lang! so what will i write about? nothing. i can't even start to continue with my literature review, i've been 'blocked' for weeks now. but here's an idea that came up seconds ago--- i'd like to share the latest from the philippine daily inquirer, ranked according to how i liked reading them (not how i liked them)  :)

1. erap on gibo: what a pity, he's most qualified (erap's brains are somewhat regenerating-wow!)
2. gov't debt hit P4.44T in january (i told you so, 4 is a bad number!)
3. marc abaya loves his cheetos (i love him, he loves his cheetos, his cheetos loves me, fine!)
4. china quake kills 400, buries more (there's always something to remind me of 'life is short', amp!)
5. happy to see 2  pals move forward in show (AI didi said so about crystal and siobhan, i say so too!)
6. palito's last movie screening on sunday (now when he is deado, as with FPJ...they're doing it again!)
7. politics stalls biomass plant project (oh my gas!)
8. evat and and watered-down cheaper medicines act are not pro-poor (PMAP can afford a full-page?!)
9. bishops condemn basilan bombings (what's new? what else can they do?...they condemn a lot lately, next!)
10. GMA accepts 'green award' (@#$%^^&* !!!- my keyboard isn't working now!)

:) have a great day!
[postscript (i seem to be having a lot of these lately): the picture? those are tombs in himlayang bayan (resting place a.k.a. public cemetery), your unique linking of the pic and the text is always welcome (winks)]

33 is just a number

22nd of march, i turned 33, oh well, earth years. i, as usual received lots of greetings (not lots of gifts though: the number of gifts received is inversely proportional to the age of the celebrator). even as i managed to feel well and do some little celebrations, it was nothing compared to the stresses i had. thanks to the finals exams, exit papers and the ever-dreaded (so far) comprehensive exams.

it's been 4 days since then, and only now have the birthday material sank in my thoughts (it's funny how it managed to squeeze in during times of fever and wishing-you-were-numb-moments). i have turned 33, i always feel 13, now i feel 53. it's been 2 years since i decided to pursue a postgrad that's somewhat far from what i intend to www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-life-so-far.html . it's been a year since a crying-almost-angry-young lady called and asked me to halt the curse to her father (turned out that this year, she's the sweetest greeter ever) www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2009/03/birthday-blast-indeed.html .

what is in store for this year? i have been feeling pains in some parts of my body which the paranoid in me might insist as a sign of cancer or tumor or 'dying soon' disease. i have been hearing the same thing happening to some people who are close to me. apparently, my mind-disease is contagious (that's the punchline, laugh now). i have found "one true friend" and several good others; them, just enough to keep my sanity on hold. my boyman and manboy are managing well without me, so they say and sadly make me feel at times.

okay, this is the time when i have to battle with my inner demons and finish what i have started. it's a long long walk. i'd run if i have to. but for now, i need some peace. may i rest in peace?