The year was 2008, but if I close my eyes, I can still smell the distinct scent of old books and humid rain that defines the University of Santo Tomas (UST) campus. To the outside world, I was a woman of opportunity—a scholar handpicked by Marist for a full ride. But inside, I was a mother living in a state of constant, quiet fracture.
My son was only six years old then. While I was navigating the rigorous corridors of Manila, my heart was 1,000 kilometers away in General Santos City.
The Double Burden of Ambition and Worry. Deciding to leave took me a full year of agonizing. When I finally said yes, I didn't realize that the hardest part wasn't the academic rigor; it was the homesickness. It wasn't just a longing for home; it was a physical ache. Every time my phone rang, my breath would catch. My son was asthmatic, and in the quiet of my Manila dorm, my mind would spiral: Is he breathing okay? Did they remember his nebulizer? Does he think I’ve abandoned him for a degree?
I spent four years as a ghost in my own life—
physically present in the library, but spiritually hovering over a bed in GenSan.
Today, those four years feel like a blur,
a "yesterday" that taught me the true meaning of sacrifice.
To the Mothers on the Same Road. If you are currently juggling the roles of researcher, teacher, wife, household treasurer, and student, I see you. The "mental load" you carry is heavier than any dissertation. Here is what I wish I could have told my 2008 self:
Forgive Your Divided Heart: You will feel guilty when you are studying because you aren't with your child. You will feel guilty when you are with your child because you aren't studying. Acceptance is your only shield: realize that being a "good mother" and an "ambitious scholar" are not mutually exclusive. You are modeling resilience for them.
Trust the Roots You Planted: I worried my absence would break my bond with my son. It didn't. Children are remarkably perceptive. They see your hard work, and eventually, your "absence" transforms into an inspiring story of perseverance in their eyes.
A Year of Decision is Not Wasted Time: If it takes you a long time to decide to pursue your dream, that’s okay. It means you are weighing the cost. Once you commit, let that weight fuel your drive rather than pull you down.
Breathe Through the "Asthma" of Life: Just as I worried about my son's breathing, remember to check your own. The PhD is a marathon, not a sprint. If you feel like you’re suffocating under the pressure, step out of the library and call home. That voice on the other end is your "why."
The struggle of 2008 forged the woman I am today. The degrees on my CV is meaningful, but the fact that we survived the distance is my true greatest achievement.
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