The Weight of the Distance: A PhD Journey

The year was 2008, but if I close my eyes, I can still smell the distinct scent of old books and humid rain that defines the University of Santo Tomas (UST) campus. To the outside world, I was a woman of opportunity—a scholar handpicked by Marist for a full ride. But inside, I was a mother living in a state of constant, quiet fracture.

My son was only six years old then. While I was navigating the rigorous corridors of Manila, my heart was 1,000 kilometers away in General Santos City.

The Double Burden of Ambition and Worry. Deciding to leave took me a full year of agonizing. When I finally said yes, I didn't realize that the hardest part wasn't the academic rigor; it was the homesickness. It wasn't just a longing for home; it was a physical ache. Every time my phone rang, my breath would catch. My son was asthmatic, and in the quiet of my Manila dorm, my mind would spiral: Is he breathing okay? Did they remember his nebulizer? Does he think I’ve abandoned him for a degree?

I spent four years as a ghost in my own life—
physically present in the library, but spiritually hovering over a bed in GenSan.
Today, those four years feel like a blur,
a "yesterday" that taught me the true meaning of sacrifice.

To the Mothers on the Same Road. If you are currently juggling the roles of researcher, teacher, wife, household treasurer, and student, I see you. The "mental load" you carry is heavier than any academic paperwork. Here is what I wish I could have told my 2008 self:

Forgive Your Divided Heart: You will feel guilty when you are studying because you aren't with your child. You will feel guilty when you are with your child because you aren't studying. Acceptance is your only shield: realize that being a "good mother" and an "ambitious scholar" are not mutually exclusive. You are modeling resilience for them.

The "Treasurer" Must Outsource: You cannot be the CEO of the household and a Ph D student simultaneously without breaking. If someone offers to help with the bills, the groceries, or the school runs—say yes. Pride is a heavy burden to carry alongside a struggle for a higher degree.

Trust the Roots You Planted: I worried my absence would break my bond with my son. It didn't. Children are remarkably perceptive. They see your hard work, and eventually, your "absence" transforms into an inspiring story of perseverance in their eyes.

A Year of Decision is Not Wasted Time: If it takes you a long time to decide to pursue your dream, that’s okay. It means you are weighing the cost. Once you commit, let that weight fuel your drive rather than pull you down.

Breathe Through the "Asthma" of Life: Just as I worried about my son's breathing, remember to check your own. The PhD is a marathon, not a sprint. If you feel like you’re suffocating under the pressure, step out of the library and call home. That voice on the other end is your "why."

The struggle of 2008 forged the woman I am today. The degrees on my CV is meaningful, but the fact that we survived the distance is my true greatest achievement.

another tiring-yet-fun class-work [tb031210]

sunday, march 7th, we went to candaba pampanga. my professor, my classmates and I were excited to see what's in store. it was a fieldwork cum culinary tour in the making :).

the journey from manila to the site was great, seeing both rural and urban setting of the north side of the country. pampanga is not only famous for the bird sanctuary but also for the culinary expertise of the local folks.

we wasted not a moment of that one-day event. birds were fun to look at, so is the lake full of beautiful lotus flowers and lilies. snack was wow(bibingka, espasol, chicharon, buko drink). tilapia-fishing and duck-watching is an old-yet-ever-new-experience.

we were (I am) noisy as we rode the carabao cart at high noon, for 33 minutes. lunch- awesome (chicken souped in green mangoes, steamed veggies, grilled fish and lotsa fruits).

we learned a lot from our talks with the folks in the area: their living a simple life, their agricultural concerns, their trying to help each other via cooperative and their hopes of preserving their way of life but coping with the growth of the economy.

we went on our way back to manila but we had a freak-accident in baliuag area (that would be another story) so we stayed for a bit in one of my classmate's brother's house (very nice house). they were hospitable (served us icecream-yummy!). one stop-over in the best hotel-resort there is on bulacan (8waves) then to bed, exhausted yet smiling of the memories of our (mis)adventures.

little brown man

Little brown man 
This is the song that I quoted in the dedication part
of my dissertation about labor migration...
I first heard this from Joey Ayala
and it has haunted me since then.
I have her sidekick/pretty friend/fellow musician
Tapati to thank for for  this lyrics and chords :)


Intro: D-C-Bm-C-D-Am-G-D-C-Bm-E-G-D-A

I

D             C                                 Bm       C
glad to know you’re feeling better
D                Am                                       G
happy to hear you’ve found your mind
D            C                                    Bm  E
it’s no joke to be living in america
                     G                              D  A
she ain’t friendly to our kind

II

D                       C                                Bm     C
you’ll always be a second-class citizen
D                   Am                      G
even if you pay your taxes right on time
D                              C                           Bm     E
you struggled so hard to get that green card
                 G
working under the table
               Em                                      A   D
calling home when you’re able to

Refrain

G                      C                                       A        D
little brown man in the land of the giants
G                      C                                         A      D
little brown woman on the white prairie
G                            D                                        C    
hold on to your dollars don’t go on no shopping spree
                     G              Em                 A  
you got to save it all for the family

III = I
everything’s disposable in the first world
nothing’s indispensable - you can throw it all away
good food in the garbage good people in the welfare line
it happens all the time

IV = II

peaches and apples and grapes don’t make it all that easy
bacon and eggs everyday can get to be a drag
these fancy slums get cold when the winter comes
chills you right to the bone
and you wish you were home

Refrain x 2

D               G   /F#      Em    /D  C A      
you got to save your soul
                   D-C-Bm-C-D
for the family

papa bear/ doc alvin/ sir ang... the best boss :)

He was my boss for three years.

I worked as his Research Assistant.

He always include everyone in his plans,

ask for suggestions and 

lay-out what he wanted to accomplish.

Then he assigns people and ask them

if they are confident that they can do the task.

He talks in a friendly manner 

and he kept reminding everyone

that he expects only the "best effort" .

It was a non-threatening "best effort" I hear.

It even makes everyone excited to do the task.

Each and every day, we update him 

and he gives automatic feedback,

even during lunchtime or while walking.

All was a breeze.

And most of all, we pray together.

I am not very religious person 

but each time we pray,

I can feel his sincerity 

that it also brings me peace.

He was not perfect 

but everybody liked him.
He's the best boss... ever :)

Pope Francis visits Pinas

January 15, Thursday

5:45 pm - Arrival at Villamor Air Base in Manila. 

January 16, Friday

09:15 am - Welcome ceremony at the Malacañang Palace. 

11:15 am - Holy Mass with the bishops, priests, and others 

from religious orders at the Manila Cathedral

5:30 pm  - Meeting with families 

(pre-selected by Philippine dioceses) at Mall of Asia Arena

January 17, Saturday

08:15 am - Departure from Manila for Tacloban

09:30 am - Arrival at the airport of Tacloban

10:00 am - Holy Mass near Tacloban International Airport

12:45 pm - Lunch with some of the survivors of typhoon Yolanda 

at the Archbishop’s Residence in Palo, Leyte

3:00 pm  - Blessing of the Pope Francis Center for the Poor

3:30 pm  - Meeting with the priests, seminarians and families 

of the survivors at the Cathedral of Palo, Leyte

5:00 pm  - Departure from Tacloban to Manila

6:15 pm  - Arrival at Villamor Air Base in Manila

January 18, Sunday

09:45 am - Brief Meeting with the religious leaders of the Philippines 

at the Pontifical University of Santo Tomas in Manila

10:30 am - Meeting with the youth at the Sports Field of the UST

3:30 pm  - Holy Mass at the Quirino Grandstand, Rizal Park in Manila

January 19, Monday

09:45 am - Send-off ceremony at the 

Presidential Pavilion of Villamor Air Base in Manila

10:00 am - Departs for Rome

5:40 pm  - Pope arrives at the airport of Rome/Ciampino


[source: https://ph.news.yahoo.com/papal-itinerary]

three rooms in three years (2010 memories)

since i decided to pursue my postgrad in 2008 in the north part of the country (the national capital region), i have lived in three different rooms... all i wanted was a space, good enough for me to be able to do my reading, my thinking, my laundry and ocassional cooking...and yes, some space for once-in-a-while-sleeping (read: i sleep once-in-a-while, but i stay there all-the-time).

first was chosen by an old flame who went all the way from his place in cavite to manila area to find me a room/bedspace conducive enough for my needs yet affordable enough for my budget (the scholarship fund isn't enough you bet). he found a beautiful 3-floor townhouse accepting lady bedspacers for 2000 php each (US$1=45 php). there may be four or six in a well-ventilated, semi-furnished room with one toilet and bath on each. it's a great deal save for-- you have to pay extra for each electronic or electrical gadget you might use and contribution for the gas if you'd be cooking/using the kitchen. lived there for more than a semester til i have to look for another place coz the residents have become too comfy for comfort.

in situations such as that, you have to practice maximum tolerance, especially you are dealing with about twelve people (most in their 20s-some generation gap huh) in just one roof. some may borrow your personal stuff without permission (or belatedly); some may wonder about you and presume things about you (your schedule and way of doing things such as your-wanting-all-your-books-near-you-in-your-bed) without even caring to ask you upfront (honestly, why should they even care as long as you are not using up their space/time); and some may bring in their friends (though friends of the opposite sex aren't allowed to enter bedrooms) playing cards, laughing , giggling and shouting til the wee hours of the morning. the place was beautiful but that (the noise and nighttime gaming events, including the possible SH-invits sssh sssh) went on until you feel like you have to find a new place.

second was a room in a three-bedroom flat near the university. it's an old old building with about 20 units for rent. all i needed was a bedspace (and that time, two other girls from the previous place decided to transfer with me). we have found a room for 4500 php. it's small and dusty. it's bare and the wall paint (one side on cement, one side on wood) is obviously more than a decade old. the provision for kitchen, toilet and bath is shared with residents of  two other rooms. maybe it's the no-curfew, no landlady-in-the-house situation that made us decide to get the room. maybe it's the fact that it's a ride away from the nearest mall, or a walk-away from the university, the hospital and the church or maybe, just maybe it is all we can afford--that would be 1500 php for each of us. cleaning up, putting life-sized landscape posters, we managed to make the room as homey (best-effort) as it can be. lived there for about a year with only some issues not that difficult to handle or disregard.

now that the roommates have left (one graduated from college, the other decided not to take the board exams after failing, hence deciding to work somewhere and somewhat unrelated to her course), i couldn't afford the rent for the entire room. so i transferred to a smaller (smallest!) room - the third, say about two meters long and one meter wide (?).  i have to haggle with the landlord to have me pay 2500 php instead of his initial offer of 3000 php, so he gave in (500 php is about two weeks supply of eggs and instant pancit canton!)-thank goodness.

was it liveable? oh well,  i have to make it that way. cleaning up (with soap, antibac and later floorwax), purchasing a small electric fan and recycling old CDs and magazines made it look less of a staircase-storeroom. being alone isn't that bad at all, in fact, it is way better. it's like having your own world...up to the time that you need to answer the call of nature. snap! back to earth. inday, put on your bathrobe 'coz the boyfriend or the father of another housemate or the nephews or the aide of the landlord may be just on the common area, you don't wanna be seen in your usual-almost-see-through-pjs, dontcha?! haaayyy

...the wall drawings that you are seeing are my almost-hopeless efforts to make the second room/bath a little homey. armed with just a pint of pink paint (one housemate had her on-job-training at boysen paint, how she got it is another story :) ), i did the deed one very hot dawn...

end of journey- finally!

from thoughts to paper to thoughts once more

la nana @ espana manila

i found a new resto-carenderia (eatery) in espana manila. just few walks away from UST (like 4 stores away from ministop espana-noval), the eatery is so small (compared to others) you won't even notice it unless you pass by it and be lured by the 'wifi' notice posted. yes, it's a wifi-zone, 2-floor eatery with a heart!

the manager told me (in a wonderful visayan dialect) that they wanted to offer a relatively cheap (38 pesos, about $0.85, for a value meal that includes iced tea) but delicious meal to students and employees/workers alike, at the same time give them the service that almost everyone would want to have (aside from an extra-clean dining area is a wireless internet connection whichever is more important to you) for free and without ever having to go to expensive coffeeshops and/or malls.

the place gave me a familiar feeling of home, with viands (veggies, seafood, fish & meat dishes, soup & noodles among others) that doesn't look and taste like commercial foodstuff (partly attributed to the cook's training in a chinese restaurant) and the color scheme of the walls oddly makes me  feel relaxed. and the name la nana sounds like lola (granny) and nanay (mother) so whenever i feel like i don't wanna cook (sometimes i feel sad cooking just for one), i feel like i'd just have to go to la nana 'coz it's like going my nanay's place to satisfy my tummy :)

mother earth: 8 months ago i bugged you, what now my dears?

NGOfficers, students and other members of the academe gathered on November 18 and 19 at TARC Auditorium, UST, Manila to hear presentations of different resource speakers regarding Climate Change. more than 500 participants have attended the two-morning symposia, which is among the highlights of the week-long University Research Week.

lecturers (Ms. Menchie Flores-Obanil of Focus on the Global South; Mr. Larry Lohman of The Corner House; Ms. Flaviana D. Hilario Ph. D. of  PAGASA; and Lt. Gen. Ernesto G. Carolina AFP (Ret), Department of National Defense and Administration Undersecretary) shared information for the participants to learn, adopt and/or to be inspired.

that was about 8 months ago. the symposia aimed to provide information to faculty, research practitioners and students from higher education institutions on climate change and disaster preparedness and mitigation. sounds good, right?

have those 500+ participants learned something and shared it around at the least? have they adopted anything from the lectures? were they inspired? what's next? i could just imagine mother earth asking me: what now my dear? uh-oh ...

33 is just a number

22nd of march, i turned 33, oh well, earth years. i, as usual received lots of greetings (not lots of gifts though: the number of gifts received is inversely proportional to the age of the celebrator). even as i managed to feel well and do some little celebrations, it was nothing compared to the stresses i had. thanks to the finals exams, exit papers and the ever-dreaded (so far) comprehensive exams.

it's been 4 days since then, and only now have the birthday material sank in my thoughts (it's funny how it managed to squeeze in during times of fever and wishing-you-were-numb-moments). i have turned 33, i always feel 13, now i feel 53. it's been 2 years since i decided to pursue a postgrad that's somewhat far from what i intend to www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-life-so-far.html . it's been a year since a crying-almost-angry-young lady called and asked me to halt the curse to her father (turned out that this year, she's the sweetest greeter ever) www.sakura-withdrawalpangs.blogspot.com/2009/03/birthday-blast-indeed.html .

what is in store for this year? i have been feeling pains in some parts of my body which the paranoid in me might insist as a sign of cancer or tumor or 'dying soon' disease. i have been hearing the same thing happening to some people who are close to me. apparently, my mind-disease is contagious (that's the punchline, laugh now). i have found "one true friend" and several good others; them, just enough to keep my sanity on hold. my boyman and manboy are managing well without me, so they say and sadly make me feel at times.

okay, this is the time when i have to battle with my inner demons and finish what i have started. it's a long long walk. i'd run if i have to. but for now, i need some peace. may i rest in peace?

at a loss

it's been 3 weeks. still i can't build my ideas/framework/path to my exit paper. what's happening? i'm at a loss. inspiration, where are you? spark of genius, where are you? adrenaline rush, where are you?...ohm ohm ohm. i tell you, this will be a nonsensical entry. i have to let this out or else this will poison whatever sanity i have inside. four more papers for the various courses i foolishly took this semester. one major project for the german class. one overly-fundamental written exam for a core subject...and review review review for the five comprehensive exams to be taken at exactly the same date as my 33rd birth anniversary. those and the framework of my exit paper (they love to call it dissertation) ---> the cross-eyed bear. waaaahhhh!!! my escape? funny thoughts while supply lasts... see pictures. but yes, i must wake up and do start producing before it's too late. kill me- kill me quick!

proud of my mentor

Crisis-generated Socio-economic Coping Mechanisms by Overseas Filipinos. This is the title of the research proposed by my mentor Dr. Alvin Ang and his colleague Prof. Jeremaiah Opiniano that was short-listed for the 2009 Japanese Award for Outstanding Research on Development. About 500 researches were submitted and the paper was awarded the 3rd place. Dr. Ang and Prof. Opiniano recently went to Prague to present their paper and yes, to receive their honors. This paper is only one of the many papers on economic development and macroeconomics done by them and I am doubly proud of him. . . proud to be one of his mentees, proud to be one of his students, proud to be one of his friends. May his foreseen Years of Expansion continue. Kudos!