flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

Du...wieder [ode to 33rd]

Du, den ich für viele Jahre geliebt habe

Du, den ich immer noch liebe

Du, der mich als tot betrachtet hat

Der mich jedoch mehr geliebt hat als das Leben selbst

Du, den ich Zwangshaft versucht habe zu vergessen

Du, an den ich immer noch denke

Du, den ich jetzt selbst als tot betrachten möchte

Der aber noch lebendiger als das Leben selbst ist

Du bist die Vergangenheit.

nichts weiter als eine Vergangenheit.

schön, aber nichts anderes als eine

schöne Vergangenheit.

zu schön, um loszulassen. 
zu schmerzhaft um dich zu behalten.

*************
[special thanks to chris, my dearest northern light
for patiently checking and sharing a better/prettier version...mwah]

one saturday of my life [tb080810]

i was terrified.
i don't know you.
you don't know me.
earth swallow me.
i was AMBITIOUS.
i better go around the world --
and take it from there.

sleeping was a challenge
this time i cried.
but yes, i'm fine.

goodbye march 2011.

withdrawal pangs... a semi-look-back

what is this pain??? he asked himself. these are just pangs of new attitudes trying, wanting, needing to be born...i have heard this line before. or did i read it from somewhere??? ah, yes i remember...it is from a letter from my soul-twin michael divina. i have always believed pain then...now, i don't know. i keep on telling myself that pain is just a part of the drama. and when you feel it, like you feel it, then maybe, just maybe, you are enjoying the drama...just what really is pain? is it a natural sensation or an extraordinary pang? is it something that happens within the bounds of the body and its existing systems or is it more than just skin-deep? more than skin-deep, that it reaches the deepest depth of human emotions... all that is left in me is the knowledge that there really is pain. there really is pain and i can feel it now. the kind of pain that seemed to have nothing as a cure...the kind of pain that goes with living...and growing...to be more...than just an ordinary man.

lessons from japan

1. THE CALM - 

Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. 

Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY - 

Disciplined queues for water and groceries. 

Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY - 

The incredible architects, for instance. 

Buildings swayed but didn't fall.

4. THE GRACE - 

People bought only what they needed for the present, 

so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER - 

No looting in shops. 

No honking and no overtaking on the roads. 

Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE - 

Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. 

How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS - 

Restaurants cut prices. 

An unguarded ATM is left alone. 

The strong cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING - 

The old and the children, 

everyone knew exactly what to do. 

And they did just that.

9. THE MEDIA - 

They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. 

No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE - 

When the power went off in a store, 

people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.
Now that is a good example of an evolved nation.

***this piece was taken from a group email, 

just thought this is really worth sharing***

just do it...or dont. tis always up to you

i have written a lot in my almost torn notebook by now. i have torn the pages. that may not be the first time that i have torn my writings but i am hoping that that was my last. it happened after the storm last week, some unimportant storm... but i allowed it to get to me for reasons i still can't tell. of all people, it is i that has to be reminded that this world is a jungle and that nothing and no one can ever make me feel bad or mad or even sad without my consent. i am moving on.

no time to waste, i say to myself. no time to waste... 'coz it isn't the thing i did in the past that matters or how it made me feel--- it's the thing i have left undone, and the fact that every morning i wake is a chance to do it. here, have a taste of what i think is one of the best lessons we all have to to learn:

The Sin Of Omission

by Margaret Sangster

It isn't the thing you do, dear;

It's the thing you leave undone,

Which gives you a bit of heartache

At the setting of the sun.

The tender word forgotten,

The letter you did not write,

The flower you might have sent, dear,

Are your haunting ghosts to-night.

The stone you might have lifted

Out of brother's way,

The bit of heartsome counsel

You were hurried too much to say;

The loving touch of the hand, dear,

The gentle and winsome tone,

That you had no time nor thought for,

With troubles enough of your own.

The little acts of kindness,

So easily out of mind;

Those chances to be angels

Which every one may find

They come in night and silence

Each chill, reproachful wraith

When hope is faint and flagging

And a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, dear,

And sorrow is all too great;

To suffer our great compassion

That tarries until too late;

And it's not the thing you do, dear,

It's the thing you leave undone,

Which gives you the bit of heartache

At the setting of the sun.

PS: today onward, i would do my best to fulfill my mission - to become an inspiration to youngsters by providing them through a kaleidoscopey showcase, the best teachings they could imagine and i could offer in this lifetime; and make them realize that they (have the power to) know as much i do... and that no one will ever mock or belittle or try stop them (they just have to remember to not allow it) for trying to express each little manifestation of those learnings as they apply those in their lives...

yet again, and quite in contrast to the message in the poem above- no one ever should mock or belittle or try stop someone for finding calm in remaining still, for waiting for the right moment, for keeping some thoughts for himself and his god until the needed moment arrives. who knows, by not doing anything at that specific moment--- that "little bit of heartache at the setting of the sun" may be just that: a little bit of heartache. it could have been worse otherwise *winks*. TOUCHMOVE!

i cant be sorry for who i am

oh eff! i don't even know who or what i am as a creature...one thing is for sure: i don't like it when someone says they know me so well or they speak of or write of me as if they have known me for a lifetime. where is this coming from? here--- i stumbled upon a poem and the poem hit me. usually poems hit me but this specific poem hit me as somebody who have not known me for long, believed he/she figured me out based on the fictional or not-so-fictional-whatever-that-is character i playfully projected and somehow ranted about it. why was i consumed by it? maybe because i wanted to cry foul 'coz when i playfully project one side of me to someone, its because i thought that someone is a more-advanced life form and wouldn't look at that side of me that way or...maybe, just maybe... i am loving the drama (we all do sometimes eh?) . oh well. :)