an episode (sunflower days) TB051708

last year, i had an episode of fear - fear of dying... although i have accepted that God may take me anytime 'coz my life is not mine -- that time, i was afraid for my wowa, i was afraid for jovit, i was afraid for everybody... for a week i didn't sleep, i had a foolish feeling that when i close my eyes i may not able to wake up, so i busied myself in writing wills and poetry, and even drawing sunflowers in the bedroom doors , backdoor and front doors using just crayons...i named those days as my SUNFLOWER DAYS...

 after more than a year (i laughingly recall), i again felt the same way, for 2 days i felt that the pain in my left side have been staying and leaving me confused... to ease some of my worries, i told jovit (the husband) about it (last year, i suffered alone, jovit was just confused of the not-sleeping-and- crying- part of the episode) and he suggested that we go to my doctor for a check-up. my doctor may have felt my worry even as i was smiling when i entered his clinic... he simply said, "you're not going to die from that pain" (he didn't know about what happened a year ago, but for some strange reason, i have felt that he knew :) hmmm). he prescribed a medicine to be taken for a week then only if the pain isn't gone would we submit to an ECG.

if that day was last year, i would have gone to the adoration chapel and cried my heart out, i would have gone to the faculty room and cleaned the mess in my table i made last week, i would have gone to videocity and rented all the movies i wished i have seen, i would have sent thank-you-smss to my friends and colleagues (which i did last year that somewhow left them wondering why :)) i would have called my ex for a one-night-stand (now, :) that's going too far)... but you know what i did? i just went to COMELEC and complained that my name was not in the list, and that i'd wait until they find my voting area in their masterlist so i could vote, by hook and by crook...and so they found it, and i was able to vote at high noon, and then a lunch with jovit, and a lazy time reading old issues of readers' digest while watching wowowee.

that time, i wasn't afraid, that time i didn't cry, that time i wasn't mad...i got even. (the "i got even" part is for the cockroach i saw in the kitchen cabinet, but hey, that would be another blog entry :) (see die, cockroach, die)

what's it all about?

what's it all about alfie? is it just for one moment we live? what's it all about when you sort it out alfie? are we meant to take more than we give or are we meant to be kind? if only fools are kind alfie, then i guess it is wise to be cruel. and if might belongs only to the strong alfie, what would you lend an old golden rule?

as sure as i believe there's a heaven above alfie, i know there's something much more - something even non-believers can believe in. i believe in love alfie, without true love we just exist alfie. until you find the love you missed, you're nothing alfie. when you walk let your heart lead the way, and you'll find love everyday, alfie, alfie.

yes my dear friends, those are the exact words in the song entitled ALFIE written by burt bacharach and hal david...immortalized by the film of the same title stars michael caine, and recently redone stars jude law. now you can start guessing why i so love the song...even its melody, so hearthbreakingly-soothing if there is such a thing. the irony of loving...of love.

found this some-where...some-time... felt some-thing...some-how.

few lines from...

FRACTURES
by Cathy Denny

           

Hearts and souls heal slowly
Silently recalling fractures of long ago.
Weighing the risk of letting anyone know
What lies deep in his heart, what he's buried in his soul.

Patiently waiting for the one to help him see
How good it feels to set his heart free.
To trust her enough, and so completely,
He tells her those things he was once afraid she would see.

Mending his heart one fracture at a time.
As he comes closer to this I find;
Mending that fracture in his heart,
Is the key to mending mine.

[from http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/fractures.html]

flashback: my classic plants versus duh zombies

saturday night i visited my friend fritzie, spent the night with her...but her night is up to eleven piyem only so i had to face the pc by then til the end of my night at 2 eyem. good thing she introduced me to this craze - PLANTS VS ZOMBIES... the believed-to-be-addicting-pc game (that i have somewhat proven).

in this game, the basic goal is to prevent the zombies from breaching your defences (my plants) and destroying your base (my home). several defensive units are given and used. and there is a bit of economics (my forte) involved. i like the idea that i don't have an active attacking role. instead, i rely on my plants and my four 'i-know-will-work' plans...here's it:

(1) plan what i get/use. zombies do not appear for about 15 seconds, so i have time needed to plant a sunflower or two before the attack. i believe my sunflowers are the good friends and the good values that i have, they give me powers and i have to catch them (the powers they give) before they go to waste.

(2) place an attacking unit/support. though i don't attack, some of my plants will. they really have to or else my garden (my life's values) will be destroyed and my house (the fullness of me, my soul) will be attacked (who wants to read YOUR BRAINS ARE EATEN BY ZOMBIES message?)!

(3) keep clicking. i have to keep busy. an idle mind is the devil's playground. i need to work, study, learn from the school of life (that's the clicking) to protect myself from the sin of sloth and from being caught offguard once my attackers increase in numbers and ferocity.

(4) take only the units that i can use. there are cheaper units (my friends and the things that i learn for free) and somehow i needed them to repel my first attackers when i'm still stocking up on my sunpoints (these are the strengths that i gain from the values that i keep). there are also advanced units (they are the lessons i get only when i pay/sacrifice something to get them) which are more expensive, but are needed to destroy the tougher (or more numerous)zombies later.

so far, that's the level i have reached and the game plan i have made. soon, i'd be able to share my bigger plans as i go to higher levels  (greater goals usually entails steeper climb, harder challenges). i know as i progress deeper into adventure mode, other conditions will occur that will make me change tactics. but those four strategies i'd keep for a while.

here's a quick-look at the units and zombies i have/met so far:

sunflower. the more i plant, the more sun points will be available. as i wrote in the beginning, i think they are my good friends and the good values that i keep in my lifetime. 

pea shooter. this is the most basic attack unit/plant. firing rate is just so-so (just like my actions when i'm irritated- i'm overly kind to zombies) but it is also cheap (meaning it doesn't cause much heartache/headache). this means i can build them early even when values/strengths are failing- they try protect me the only way they know how.

wall nut. it's a defensive wall that can be destroyed, jumped, tunnelled, scaled, or flown over. (they are my poor tactics in dealing with my life's zombies, the devils all around). they are very useful however in some instances, like delaying the zombies from eating my patience whole.

cherry bomb. it's a one-use unit. when i place it in a cell, it destroys all the enemies in the eight cells around the unit. it's very handy but expensive and slow to build. [it's my almost on one-time 'flare-up' or 'breakdown' or whatever-it-is-you-call-it-moments that have become sort of a time-bomb that once i let it burst, the devils (zombies of my life) either die or lay low].

those four and the sun-shroom (inactive in day stages, a budget resource unit), fume-shroom  (a short range, high damage attack unit that can penetrate the screen door the zombie's defence used essentially as the flamethrower), and the grave buster (a special purpose one-use unit that destroys head stones and if placed near a zombie, it can be destroyed before it completes its task - i so wish i could have one of these in real life) are my dependable resources so far in my adventure.

and oh, not to forget the 'zombies'... a basic zombie usually comes in mass attacks. they are my stresses in life and i know that once the head is shorn off, the zombie is dead or dying. hence, i have to take pleasure in destroying them before they slowly destroy me.

the flag bearer is a zombie that signals a large horde. hmmm, it's completely unnecessary as the game already warns you of incoming zombie hordes but i guess, people like them exists- they tell you who backstabs you when all the while he/she is a part of the team...the game (my instincts) tells me ahead that he/she shouldn't be trusted and must be destroyed along with the others the soonest.

the metal bucket is a zombie with a bucket on its head. these are those who are with your usual zombies but way too thick-skinned to be affected by your defenses (read: sobrang kapalmuks). magnet-shroom, i heard (haven't seen one yet) will easily kill this bastard!

the pole vaulting zombie is like those enemies-in-disguise-of-a-caring-neighbor-or-pretending-to-be-friend. since it has it's way, it avoids the first plant it encounters in a lane by jumping over it, then proceeds as a basic zombie. only the tall nut will counter this unit's ability (that means, i have to look for ways to not be distracted or lure myself into believing this devil errr zombie).

see? the rules are simple…
in order to grow plants (in order to grow spiritually and become a good person), you have to protect your lawn from the zombies (people and events that are stressors and lead you to wrong path and soon will cause your downfall as a child of god), you need light (in promoting good values). there are several ways to get light: sunflowers (good friends), certain types of mushrooms (lessons from life), and, of course, the sun (god, whatever you conceive him to be).

PS. at the beginning of the game, i was introduced to crazy dave, my experienced-zombie-slaying-neighbour (well, he/she may be someone you thought of as crazy at first but later on you'd realize he/she is there to guide you as you go through your journey). he teaches you some strategy and sells you interesting tools to help protect your lawn (hmmm...we all need spiritual advisers or just anyone at all that will guide us in our decisions or strategies to better protect us from you-know-whats).

will i play this game again? perhaps.
will i go on fighting and living and protecting my humanity? YES!

die zombies! die!  (insert devil laugh here).

i cant be sorry for who i am

oh eff! i don't even know who or what i am as a creature...one thing is for sure: i don't like it when someone says they know me so well or they speak of or write of me as if they have known me for a lifetime. where is this coming from? here--- i stumbled upon a poem and the poem hit me. usually poems hit me but this specific poem hit me as somebody who have not known me for long, believed he/she figured me out based on the fictional or not-so-fictional-whatever-that-is character i playfully projected and somehow ranted about it. why was i consumed by it? maybe because i wanted to cry foul 'coz when i playfully project one side of me to someone, its because i thought that someone is a more-advanced life form and wouldn't look at that side of me that way or...maybe, just maybe... i am loving the drama (we all do sometimes eh?) . oh well. :)

this is why i changed status from'married' to 'engaged'

i have been staring at this page for an hour now.
still nothing good came out...
i'm not sure if i'm having a block or
i always am just lost for words whenever i intend
to write something about the hubby.

it started from thinking about father's day
and the fact that he deserved a tribute- but i'm lost for words.
for now i couldn't say, or write anything, aside from
he is the most normal person i have ever met.
nyay! that wouldn't be a good tribute.

i'm saving this page
so i can edit when i'm more ready
or more willing to share to the world
or if i'd have the power
to convert more than a million words to
one short blog entry. yes, he is that much!
and much much more...

but here's a peek:
once last month i asked him if he wanted to
renew our marriage contract
should it expire on the 10th year
(that would be 2011)-
he said he will if i wanted to.
that was irritatingly sweet.
as if he is back to courting
me like years ago...
so now, i'm engaged to him, again.

be true???

E.Croonenberg in his text about Man and Fellowmen presented that any factor which prevents the persons concerned from being their true selves also detracts from the real nature of love. Hmmmm...

The world as it was created has men, and man as created have other men to live with. One can not separate himself from others as much as he can not live on a vacuum. Man learns to live with others to know himself fully and somehow know the others as well.

Love in all its meaning comes as man lives with other men in this world. Encounters provide experiences for men to experience themselves as well. An individual answers the call to such experience to lead him to perfection as a person achieving self-realization. Encounters between individuals are normal and necessary; longing for presence beyond the usual encounter coupled with dedication and unusual warmth from the unauthentic foundation to authentic level of affection could only mean that love has sealed the encounter.

The real nature of love is selflessness – unselfishness to its highest and permanent level. One in love manifests a great deal of being true to ones self; a great deal of not holding back; a great deal of surrender to the other. Fidelity (to love) if it is to work has to go through and overcome hardships and obstacles which somehow have rooted up from the individual’s selfishness as well as the others.

One would seek answers to questions such as: Is love enough? Is love enough for me to let go? Do I hold on to love? Do I hold on to love despite the distance and physical absence of my beloved? Will love remain after a loved-one's death? How do I maintain true love? Will my being true to myself be an obstacle to the fidelity to love?

Experiences and encounters vary from time and persons, yet lessons have proven to be at least universal (for all). One has to learn to yearn silently and let love grow, to reveal his identity as he learns to appreciate another person’s identity, to slowly appreciate individuality yet accepting wholeness as relationship with the other progresses, to unselfishly learn to know when to hold on or to let go, and most of all, to accept that real love is stronger than any obstacles – even separation, even death.

My experiences and series of encounters with love come in all forms and intensity as I age. I have noticed that it has become simple coming from complicated to simple to complicated and so on. Love as a truth is indeed an obligation to truth to one’s self. Then, all else follow.

loving the drama

it was just recently and (always in my ever-present past) that i have re-learned and re-appreciated the power of mind, following the law of attraction (reading the book review of The Secret last year, and seeing the docu-type film last week). you are what you think (say, i think, therefore, i am) and you will be what you want if you want it bad, as you will have what you want to have if you wanted it badly or not wanting it badly.

alas! you exert the same amount of energy in loving and hating, as in wanting and not wanting so whichever way, you attract whatever it is that you spend much of your enery on. come to think of it, the people and the events of my life is a product of wanting and not wanting them to be there (with the exception of one or two, of which/whom until now, i can't decipher their reason for existence or non-existence).

it is quite confirmed by richard bach's words (messiah's handbook) - words that sounded like this :all the people and events of your life are there because you have drawn them there, whatever you do to them/it is always up to you. hence, whatever happens to me and my path to bliss in the present, past and future will always be my calling - my option, my choosing. i can choose to be hurt or otherwise, to feel good or otherwise...whichever, whatever.

and (who cares if i start my sentences with "and"?) when this cute alter ego of mine would ask: why are you hurt? why do you feel bad? why do you feel sad? why are you mad? why do you feel these when you can always make yourself feel otherwise? the answer is: "maybe, i am loving the drama."