October 2009: das ist die Frage!

THIS WAS THROWNBACK AS I AM AGAIN IN A VERY DARK PLACE...
FELY IS DEAD, SHE'S KEEPING HER SECRETS TO HER GRAVE.

am i really the alfie girl that you were looking for? what do we need to do to prove this? do we need to prove this? are the words of a dying man enough? what do you think? what do you feel? ...in my conversation with you, i can't help but want to hug you for being so strong and for acting detached the way you knew how. the talk was heavy and i was crying a river...

i have to let you know why i couldn't push this matter any longer. i have to make you see how i feel and how would she feel if i keep on bringing the matter that she has easily dismissed...what more can we do? what more can we talk of? will it be so bad for me, for you, for all of us to just let this river take its own course?

sad thing is, there were sadness, pains and regrets accompanying these questions. there are memories touched that brushed the big scars that i once thought was totally healed...i keep reminding myself that memories are monsters and that the mind should always be stronger than those memories...why do i allow myself to feel this way again?

 what's it all about alfie? is this just for one moment we live? what's it all about when you sort it out alfie? are we meant to take more than we give? are we meant to be kind? what is this all about alfie? that is the question.

June 2022 Article: NOT THE TIME FOR OFF-SCRIPTS. On Climate Change and Leadership

Do you still need more proof? Climate change must become a personal reality, for each and every one of us on this planet.  Scientists reported that the Arctic ice cap is melting faster and by their calculations, 40 % percent of the summer ice covering the Arctic sea will be gone by 2050.  This is the time to convert all political calls to action, a time for all countries to have the moral imperative to discuss climate change with a new urgency. 

Do you not know “value”? Creating value for society is one of the key deciders of success. Today’s leaders must also deliver value in terms of sustainability and societal impact as well as growth. Sustainability and equitability must be placed at the heart of every organization. Climate change is not something that lies outside of business or governance. It operates within the boundaries of its natural environment and can only be sustained in a healthy environment and flourishing society. The earth is more fragile now and the ecosystems that support millions of lives now face significant disruption. Peoples—not only animals—are at risk of being extinct. The effects are being felt by everyone, especially those least able to cope and least responsible for the problem. This is, as always a moral issue. Any response must be guided by the principles of the common good and shared responsibility.

Climate change events including sea-level rise, the increased frequency of extreme weather events, rising temperatures, and heavy rainfall all pose threats to countries like the Philippines. This is due to our vulnerability to natural dangers. Warmer waters damage coral reefs, which can lead to a drop in fish populations, making it a concern related to food security. Rains will result in more flooding, which could lead to landslides in upland areas. The concept of Climate change is very complex but very urgent and will take good and competent leaders to reach out to others to bring each other’s expertise, technologies, and other capabilities together in order to achieve meaningful change.  This is only possible when actions are driven by a purpose. Leadership foremost is about choices and setting new directions. It is about vision and political will—the ability to see ahead, know what we must do, and inspire a force for genuine change. The generation now and those to come will judge us. 

What can we possibly do besides hope for ethical leadership and good governance? Well, perhaps it is to educate ourselves on how best to face the climate change challenges. While it does seem at times that we can do only little as individuals if we arm ourselves with knowledge of the science behind it,  and its effects, we can start taking steps (no matter how little) toward positive change. Much better is to influence others to do the same. But besides asking for urgent action, we can also reflect on our own personal moves. What have we done so far? What are our lessons for? Why are we here?

2014 Article: Reluctant Leaders. They Are. Everywhere.

A leader is best when people barely know he exists

when his work is done, and his aim is fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.

—Lao Tzu

My all-time favorite book is Richard Bach's 'Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah'. It details the relationship between a teacher and a reluctant student. Donald W. Shimoda is a retired Messiah and sees himself in Richard and believes they are fellow messiahs. Richard hasn't and wouldn’t come to terms with this idea. Over time, Shimoda teaches Richard how to be a messiah since he has grown weary of performing miracles and has decided to retire from the art. He explains to Richard that the miracles he performs are in fact miracles; instead, they are just illusions of reality. By the end of the book, Richard graduates with the knowledge of what it means to be a messiah receive his calling, and begin.

Reading Illusions once more made me think and reflect on what I have observed lately. At these times, we see many reluctant leaders in the workplace like Richard- people who may have been promoted on the strength of their technical or operational abilities, not on the perceived leadership capabilities. Most of the time, they struggle to be the leader that they believe their colleagues expect, to be the best mediator, the approachable manager who can motivate teammates to where they need to be. I come to conclude that perhaps, there is a little of the “reluctant leader” in all of us.

Leaders come and go. They also come in different packages. There are those who like to go about their leadership in an open manner. There are those who go about their work with quiet dignity. They are the leaders who coach, mentor, and support their team, almost always in the background. They are the ones who hold their team jointly accountable for results – good or bad and aren’t driven by ego but by service. Most of the time, they are the “reluctant leaders”. Forced by circumstance, they lead.

Ralph Nader, named by Time Magazine as one of the 100 Most Influential Americans in the Twentieth Century, says that the function of leadership is to create more leaders – not more followers. A Reluctant Leader, while reluctant, may see this as both an obligation and an opportunity. His motivation is advancing the goals of the team. He has his eyes set on the sincere appreciation of the people he works with. He can lead up, across, and down and encourage the team to do the same.

Checking on the scripture, it says we need far more laborers to go out and do the Father's work. We need leaders to help make that happen. But, leaders are in short supply because many are reluctant to lead. For what it is worth, it can be said that these reluctant leaders are in good company. Gideon felt that he lacked the qualifications of a good leader. Moses always doubted his leadership potential. Saul even tried to hide. The story of Moses, among others, is inspiring. When God called on him to lead the Israelites, Moses tried voicing out that he cannot be the leader, saying: I’m a nobody; I don’t speak well; I’m not brave. But the job was given anyway. He became the ultimate model for reluctant leadership. It is clear then that leadership is unpredictable. Circumstances thrust certain responsibilities upon these leaders, and they have no choice but to take up their assignments.

One defining characteristic of this leader is that he himself is self-divided. He feels pressured to do things he’d rather not do. On the one hand, if the reluctant leader is passionless, his actions will be halfhearted which may lead to failure. The successful reluctant leader, on the other hand, is motivated by his conscience. He makes himself believe that he has to accept the fact that while it is not his choice, it is his duty and he will follow it to the end.

Hence, the reluctant leader can be more realistic, and even more skeptical. At times when he is engaged in an unpleasant task, he just keeps doing it. He doesn’t have to worry about coming down because he never felt good about it in the first place. And yes, at times, that’s what the organization needs. The reluctant leader can be more collaborative too. Since he didn’t want his task, he was eager to share it. Most often than not, this is best for the organization. The reluctant leader, though less confident must see this as a task fulfilled, a mission accomplished.

As seen in Exodus 3:12: “And God said, ‘I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain." It is like God is saying – I am sending you and I am going with you. All authority belongs to God and He who calls you is in total control. This message may as well be for all the reluctant leaders… as they are… everywhere.

[This article first appeared in PAGE Professional Digest in 2014]

 

remember september 2022

 

flashback 101010: not a love letter

dear not-dear,

i know you knew from the start

that i didn't love you.

i know you knew that i was just forced

to deal with you, to try to love you,

to try to make you love me too.

i know you knew that i find it difficult to do so

but just the same i tried.

in fact, i tried and gave my best effort

so sooner or later you'd give me back

what i deserve.

i have sacrificed a lot in this set-up.

and the more i do so, the more i hate myself

for making this decision.

and since i have already started, i have to at least

try finish this 'game' or whatever it is you call it -

post grad if you must!

as much as i can, i'd deal with you...

i'd try love you and

i'd try to make you love me too.

but do know that as of this moment-

i want you dead!

yes, i want you dead but i know

that isn't possible.

i might end up the one being 'dead' in the long run.

i'd just content myself with letting you know

these ---

i don't love you.

i don't want you.

i don't need you.

aaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

even when... TB2013

You learn you can do your best

 even when it's hard, even when you're tired 

and maybe hurting a little bit.  

It feels good to show some courage.  

~Joe Namath

unsent...TB1988

i am slowly forgetting you --- and i am not liking it...I want to keep you in my memory. I want to keep you in my heart. why is this memory's such a monster...? One day, I will soon forget...but I don't want to be alive in that one day... You are beautiful...you are smart...you are practically better than I am despite of your illness...you can sing...you can dance, you can even dress yourself modestly yet with good fashion sense at such a young age...I am missing those days of singing and dancing together....I know that you are going away but i tried to deny it and I went on living with you as if you'd be with me forever. My mistake! I should have hugged you more. I should have loved you better. I should have told you that I cared and that I am willing to take care of you...but what did I do? I feel like I made you feel like a nuisance to me in those last days of your life... God, forgive me! Marion, please forgive me...

an episode (sunflower days) TB051708

last year, i had an episode of fear - fear of dying... although i have accepted that God may take me anytime 'coz my life is not mine -- that time, i was afraid for my wowa, i was afraid for jovit, i was afraid for everybody... for a week i didn't sleep, i had a foolish feeling that when i close my eyes i may not able to wake up, so i busied myself in writing wills and poetry, and even drawing sunflowers in the bedroom doors , backdoor and front doors using just crayons...i named those days as my SUNFLOWER DAYS...

 after more than a year (i laughingly recall), i again felt the same way, for 2 days i felt that the pain in my left side have been staying and leaving me confused... to ease some of my worries, i told jovit (the husband) about it (last year, i suffered alone, jovit was just confused of the not-sleeping-and- crying- part of the episode) and he suggested that we go to my doctor for a check-up. my doctor may have felt my worry even as i was smiling when i entered his clinic... he simply said, "you're not going to die from that pain" (he didn't know about what happened a year ago, but for some strange reason, i have felt that he knew :) hmmm). he prescribed a medicine to be taken for a week then only if the pain isn't gone would we submit to an ECG.

if that day was last year, i would have gone to the adoration chapel and cried my heart out, i would have gone to the faculty room and cleaned the mess in my table i made last week, i would have gone to videocity and rented all the movies i wished i have seen, i would have sent thank-you-smss to my friends and colleagues (which i did last year that somewhow left them wondering why :)) i would have called my ex for a one-night-stand (now, :) that's going too far)... but you know what i did? i just went to COMELEC and complained that my name was not in the list, and that i'd wait until they find my voting area in their masterlist so i could vote, by hook and by crook...and so they found it, and i was able to vote at high noon, and then a lunch with jovit, and a lazy time reading old issues of readers' digest while watching wowowee.

that time, i wasn't afraid, that time i didn't cry, that time i wasn't mad...i got even. (the "i got even" part is for the cockroach i saw in the kitchen cabinet, but hey, that would be another blog entry :) (see die, cockroach, die)

re-entry 2004

stolen from cummings
(where are you? ahhh... you're just here)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me
is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun
will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope
or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart ---
(i carry it in my heart)

-------------------

those 4 hours of heaven and hell those hands of yours on mine those lips... those eyes--- was it just yesterday? or has it been decades? stupid stupid stupid me... why did i let go of the moment? why can't i just stay there with you... if i did, will you stay with me forever??? -----

my life so far. TB081508

my life so far, is a struggle...against homesickness, motion sickness, migraine/vertigo and dealing with culture shock. while i try to deal with it, sometimes i feel like i wanted to let go. sometimes i find consolation in singing the rosary. they said there's no need for the CT scan (i had a fall/slip causing head trauma 3 weeks ago) since the skull xray, cbc, optha check all went fine...they believed that all these feelings i have are just in my head or perhaps an effect of separation anxiety...i wish to disagree and insist but the information asymmetry is so strong i couldn't do such. anyways, i still believe in the power of the mind, that i will be okay if i try to think that i am okay...my family have adjusted to the set-up (my being far, studying) so all i need is to help myself adjust. it's hard emotionally, physically, financially---waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! all i have is my spirit, my love... aja!!! now, i am serving as a teacher aide/research assistant to an economist : (5 days now and counting) , no pay but the experience i'm sure will be no match to the things i may be able to learn with him.

every morning- a miracle!

my sunflower days are here again...
why is it that just when i'm beginning
to forget,
there are events that force me
to remember
these days? life is short,
whatever you can do, do it now,
you may perhaps never have the chance to do so again...
your memory is cruel,
it causes aches and pains knowing soon
you'd forget or soon you will be forgotten.
i say, mind should be used against itself...
mind vs body,
mind vs matter,
mind vs events,
mind vs circumstance...
life is short indeed but with mind working to your advantage,
you will leave this world with no regrets---
proceed to other worlds of your liking and happily return via short trips.

mind lessons ... a year after nanay's death

there are many
many things that
would make your mind tick.
i choose to choose thinking
thinking than be bored.
i believed that many
many many people died
because of boredom,
because of sadness,
physically and some just died
even as they are still somehow alive.
but not too much thinking i say...
not from too much thinking.
those with migraine bouts should know
should know what i mean.
it may stress a soul too much.
too much one may choose boredom
choose boredom in the end---
that i know (i should!) but...
is not an easy sacrifice.

she's rose, she rose... (throwback 2015)

I witnessed someone shedding tears for a dear departed. 

I asked myself, why do we do that? 

(I do that all the time and I regret it specially when 

I'm with others who are obviously living and 

continuously battling the tides of life) . 

Later that day, I was given a sad news 

of another young friend's passing. Heart attack at 29... 

To remove my mind from possibly condemning such weakness, 

I thought of paying tribute to someone still alive. 

So she'd be able to read my thoughts about her instead of saving it 

for some time else :)

Ms.Rose, thank you for your 14 years 

of serving the Business College office. 

You have been with several bosses and workmates 

and you have successfully proven that tolerance, patience, 

humility and the acceptance of the fact that you are not perfect 

(who is...? anyways) but will continue to learn, relearn or unlearn 

depending upon the needs of the times. There were bad days, 

some bad moves but there were a lot of good ones too. 

However ways, you deal with the ins and outs of days 

like a true soldier of  fortune. 

You are a friend to almost everyone 

(your trying to keep peace are at times misunderstood), 

you are an uncomplaining workmate 

(haha, you do complain, yes? but you try to make it through), 

you are a loving wife 

(we seldom hear you badmouth your spouse) 

and a cool mom 

(dancing, singing, reading, watching shows & 

conversing with your dalaginding). 

You are a good daughter and sister too. 

Given those facts and the upcoming years 

which I am certain will still be filled with challenges, 

I could only pray that you'd be given enough strength and 

divine guidance and overwhelming drive to be your usual cheery 

yet efficient self or better.
Do know that we appreciate your presence 

in our working lives. We thank you for helping us in ways you knew how. 

With you, we will keep trying to fulfill our purpose in this world.